I was diagnosed with ADHD combined type a week and a half ago. My husband suggested it to me 9 months ago. I went for a diagnosis with a psychiatrist and he told me that I don't have it. I gave up. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist and was told last week that I absolutely have ADHD. I was put on medication and I feel like I'm living for the first time in my life. Everything feels different to me. My husband and I are barely speaking right now. When we do, he yells at me about how much I messed everything up. He has so much anger and resentment for me because of all the issues my ADHD has caused over the years. I can't help it and feel awful. I'm learning everything I can about ADHD, am working on behavior changes, building more structure in my life and reading every book I can about it. I'm doing everything possible to be better.
My husband and I have always had issues, but I never realized that my side of things was caused by ADHD. He actually mentioned divorce yesterday and told me that he's glad I got a diagnosis, but at this point he's over it. I've tried to tell him everything that I'm doing and he says I'm all talk (I made a lot of promises pre-diagnosis that I had every intention of following through with...I just never could) and he'll believe it when he sees it.
I've made this major, life-changing discovery and it seems to be too little too late. I can make all these significant changes to my life and it may not save my marriage.
He doesn't even want to speak right now. I have no idea what to do next. What is my next step? I don't want to bombard him with requests to talk when he doesn't want to be around me. I feel so lost and so sad.
Next Step
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Your next step is to continue making changes and improving…for yourself. Perhaps your husband will change his mind, soften a bit, when he sees lasting change in you. It is frustrating that you have no control over what he decides to do moving forward. I think he needs space, and as difficult as this must be for you, you need to give it to him. From his perspective, if this has been going on for years, it will be difficult to see that you can change. Have you gone to counseling?
Different realities, not easily mixed....
Submitted by c ur self on
I can't help it and feel awful.
If you can't help IT....***IT*** is what you need to address with the person in the mirror....And probably a good adhd counselor....A few things jump out of your post.....1) You aren't the only one with problems.....No matter what brought your husband to his emotional state...It's a problem, and it is his to own...My wife is high level add, and in denial about most of her behaviors, so I know a lot about what your husband is experiencing...After 4 years I was an angry and bitter basket case...Because no body lives that way right??? Wrong! She does, and you do...Many do, it's the mind you have period....It took me being completely away from her for 11 months to get ready to attempt it again....6 months to come to grips w/ my anger and bitterness, and pray to be healed from it, and another 5 months to accept her, and figure out what kind of boundaries we were going to have to have in order to abide together peacefully as possible.....2) med's aren't going to change what you make important, they may help w/ distraction, and give you a little energy boost....But, your habits want change on meds...You will have to see your self, your own bad habits and change them....Not under pressure from you angry husband, but, because you want to be a better person who is fit to be in a relationship whether he come or goes.....3) No you don't need to talk to him, or him to you...Words and empty promises is what has gotten you to this point, and they are just an insult to hear at this point....4) Once you both get some work done on yourselves, maybe you can have some calm fruitful conversations about boundaries.....My wife and I do not share finances, we do taxes separate, we drive separate to things where there's a start time....We do limited traveling together....And this is just a few of our boundaries, there are quiet a few more....It's about acceptance of the way each of our minds work....She don't care if she is late...I had rather not go....She don't care if she does her taxes on the last day, (usually she does) I had rather take a beating....She is messy and hoards up junk....I'm organized and like a clean environment....Her side of the bed room is a night mare, mine is clean and organized...And on and on....There has to be mutual respect for what is possible....If you fuss, fight, and seek to selfishly control each other, you just end up like your husband, and like I was for to long.....You will never think like him, and he will never think like you.....If that is what you or he want's to push on each other,, you might as well go ahead and pack your stuff, cause all you are going to have is a miserable life of up's and down's,,,,,Just conflict....
All I can do is tell you what helps me...Instead of getting out of bed in the morning, I try to just role out on my knee's....Start the day just being thankful for my life and heart beat, and pray to the Father to give me his Spirit, it's the power to love, the power to live, and a sound mind.....
Nope its up to your husband to discipline his life....It's up to you to discipline yours...It's the same for all adults.....add/adhd or not....Recognize the dysfunction in the relationship and work to eliminate it w/o excuse....Is there fight or flight going on? Is it a parent, child dynamic? Is there lying, cheating, and hiding going on?....Just own what ever it is....(IMO) You both need counseling individually, and if that works, then you may be able to go to counseling together....Don't go together until the his anger cools, and you can talk calmly about your day to day reality w/ no denial.....You don't want to spend good money just wanting referee....It will take two heart humbled and seeking real help, before you can grow together....Only prideful and arrogant people think they have it all together....If we can't own your crap, we can never be healed of it.....
Bless you....I will pray for you guys...
c
New ADHD Diagnosis
Submitted by Yinyogi on
It is a brave step to seek diagnosis as an adult. It ‘s a shock to you. I know it was a shock and a relief to my husband when he got the diagnosis. The non ADHD partner has to go through anger at what they have experienced and not understood for years in the relationship and a grieving period for what their marriage could have been if there had not been ADHD in the marriage. If your diagnosis is that recent try to give each other room. You don’t deserve to be shamed because of the diagnosis.