Hi everyone. So...here I am: trying to sit, stop prolonging... and write this post (again). Last night. When I found this site..I thought: Wow! The story of my life and found momentary comfort-being understood. It soon was followed with fear and anxiety; and a world of questions or moreso: guidence at this point. Oh yeah...sorry..so I wrote and replied to a post that hit me expecially hard. And somehow, right when I got done with a surprisingly long response, I deleted or lost it all. Sigh...REALLY!? Right now...of all the times when I'm reading about my (challenging) ADHD life, here, I couldn't even get that right. ....breath.... Ok. I'm back.
The original post was regarding a non ADDer who was dating an ADDer and was wondering if she should break up with him. It got pretty intense. A lot of angry and frustrated spouses/others out there...Seeking santuary in this site for a safe place to be heard and understood.
I don't even know where to begin.
Do go wayy back to the start, childhood abuse: physically and mentally, POOR and starving, and Adopted from Asia at an older age than normal. Old enough that from the first time I stepped off the plane into the US..I was weighed with baggage. I could go on that forever too but lets move one..At age 19, I started to date a 29 yr old man. We were together for 8.5 years! : : The last 5 yrs where pretty much mental manipulation and mind control ---He had/has a signifcant Porn Addiction which he was NOT seeker help. I cant even discribe the mental "F" I went thru...trying to help...be patient and understanding. Oh yeah!! Can't forget: he somehow convinced me to also get a night job, after my full time day job. Night job: Stripper! Ever mans dreams...huh!? Dating a 19yr old stripper. ..for his 30th B-Day, he told me he wanted to have a three some....him, me, 2 of his friends, which I knew and whoever I can confince at the strip club. So. Happy Birthday. Somewhere in there, he convinced me to move to Madison WI for awhie (working outta sate for awhile). So I quite both jobs and amlessly followed this man into an absolute new environment with no plans.
I came back home: Jobless and lost. I entered this dark dark place in my world that overcame me and I couldn't change it. I did a lot of rec drugs and made art. I didn't leave my appartment for 6 mo!!! One day, I woke up: REALLY pumped w anger and decided to go outside...into the world. I got therapy for the years of manipulation and mind F (never good for an adolesent girl n esteem). Suddenly, as quick as it came...I then decided to go back to school that I've been trying to finish forever!!! Short lived. Nothing but tonz of student loans. I found I could only do really well in One of my classes. All the rest, I somehow erased them of something. ..... so ........... After the end of school...the darkness came again. ( At that time the older man and I were still living together and more just "friends".) - Dont judge! My minds been played around with for so long. ...anyways... I sat in the darkness (which I have now been reading into ADHD paralaysis) - this is sooo true for me. Transitions are the "END" of me and appearently is my trigger. .......again.... suddenly one day with the same urgency of anger: I decided to join the National Guard!! ! YUP. Sure did. So there I was: 'stable' again. I did some independant work for the older guy ( had to --- went to school for and paid really well), and had the Guard money to help. Life was good. Life was sunny and I drove with windows down, heat cranked (still too early for it but it was nice) and blaring happy music on my way home.
My life was stable..I had the excitement of many men - (2) - complicated but I only 'turned' monogomous with this last boyfriend. ... and the inevitable happened. Deployment. Yeah...Iraq for a year. My mind changed dramatically and now I was working full time at the armory. It was a crazy ...long and stressful time preparing.