I'm a 41 year old woman who has just been diagnosed with ADHD. I've got a MA,MSc and a PhD but I'm a train wreck organizationally. I can open the envelopes now but I won't read what's in them; I can do the shopping sometimes, clean sometimes, do the laundry sometimes....I recognize that this is hard for my husband to cope with and drives him nuts.
he works away for 6 months a year and when he returns he screams, shouts and generally calls what me lazy, work shy and useless. He wants a prefect home, but I'm not allowed to change anything...like I bought a new shelf to put all the homework stuff on and made a timetable so my son and I could keep up to date with what we were supposed to be doing...he went crazy because we moved a plastic cupboard to the top of the stairs and it has the dog food in it...he says it smells.
When he does the washing, he never folds it, sorts' irons it or it puts it away - but I'm useless. He's angry because I had to get our cat spayed - I was worried she was pregnant - which meant he had to take a taxi home from the airport - in 11 years I haven't picked him up or taken him to the airport maybe 5 times??? So he has been screaming at me since he got home four days ago because I'm a waste of space. Am I screaming at him about the laundry or unreasonable taxi demands?
He says I faked the ADHD assessment even though everything I said he'd heard/seen before and agreed with in the assessment. Our son is about to get assessed, he says I'm making that up too. He thinks I'd choose to be this way so I could be called lazy? He thinks screaming at me is going to change me, a motivational tool perhaps? All it does is make me sad. And our son sad.
I can't talk to him because he is so angry with me right now. He wanted me to 'sort myself out' now I'm trying to, he doesn't want to know.
I've read all the posts of frazzled women struggling with their ADHD husbands and keep thinking - wow if only you knew how you sounded.
ADHDers know we are frustrating, we know we continual screw up - we've spent our whole lives being told that - if you love us at all then either pack your bags and leave us in peace because your abuse does nothing for our mental well-being OR stop trying to 'fix' us....we are what we are, we do the best we can do - we are running to stand still and it's still never god enough.
And with the greatest of respect, we don't need a mommy or daddy, we didn't ask you to fill that role so stop doing it. If you as wives feel overwhelmed by it all, look to your own lives and mental well-being to sort out your own needs, don't expect your ADHD husband to suddenly 'cure' himself - it's never going to happen. I'm a woman, I've got ADHD and you know what I'm perfect the way I am - flaky and everything - so start to see that in your partner as they are - stop the denial it's a chronic, uncurable, long-term disorder, it's not going away EVER it's only ever managed (and not by you!!!) - or get out, leave them the hell alone and let them work it out for themselves,