Newly Diagnosed but seeing progress, trying to save my marriage

I'm getting ready to turn 35. All my life, I've had classic symtoms of ADD and no one ever encouraged me to deal with it. I've been in emergency services since I graduated high school and have been a police officer for 11 years and still enjoy going to work everyday. It's the only job that every held my interest enough to make a career out of as I had over a dozen jobs before I doing this. I got married when I was 30 and my wife was 21. We've been married for 4 1/2 years. During that time, I've been working night shift and I have managed to start 4 businesses that I currently run as well as working full time. As you can imagine, she has felt for several years that I don't love her and she is very lonely. We have had multiple arguments that I don't completely remember and I see things in all 12 patterns that are in the book that we have experienced. It had gotten so bad that I turned off all emotion and haven't felt anything about anything for months. My wife recently moved out to her grandparents to work about 45 minutes away. This was a couple weeks after I was diagnosed and began Concerta. I tried it for a month and didn't see anything.  A few weeks of no meds after that and I went to the doctor again. I was then given 20mg Adderall XR. The craziness in my head has cleared up and I am able to focus. I have full emotions about everything. I finally cried about a 4 month old baby that I tried to revive back in September and was unsuccessful. I was able to spend Christmas with my wife and we talked. She then came back home Saturday and we started talking about all of this. She says that she can see a change already and that her family thought I was different. They told her that i was actually "there" instead of seeming like I didn't have time for them. She told me that she was originally coming home to tell me that it was over and we were going to get a divorce, but now she is uncertain. I'm hoping and praying that I get another chance. I know that with some counseling and maintaining the proper medication, I can give her the attention that she has more than deserved. I'm also going to sell off a few of my businesses to allow for more time and focus. I had no idea that my past relationships went bad because of me. I'm so excited about what my life can be like with treatment and hope that I get the opportunity to share it with my wife.

Working things out

My viewpoint is that of the non ADHD spouse.  You have taken the first important steps- acknowledging how your life has been affected by ADHD and starting meds.  My husband and I are currently in a "controlled separation".  We are living apart while we repair our marriage.  I have a lot of anger and feelings of being unloved that were preventing us from moving forward.  Because he does not live at home, we are able to "date" each other and get back in touch with the things we love about each other.  The day to day things involved in a marriage-bills, chores, etc. are not a part of our relationship right now since we are living apart.  So we are able to enjoy each other without the feelings of resentment and anger that had built up over the years.  We broke our "patterns" and are working on a new and redefined relationship.  It is the best thing we ever did for our marriage!!

We are also seeing a counselor who specializes in ADHD.  This has really helped me to see that my spouse was not doing these behaviors on purpose and I feel loved and appreciated for the first time in years.

So my advice to you is this- take your meds, see a counselor, and romance your wife!!  It will change your life.  Good luck.

Thank you both

Your posts give me hope - we are just starting on the path to healing and Melodie you put it great and clear for me.  "We broke our "patterns" and are working on a new and redefined relationship". Nice to see that we are not unique and we are not alone in this.