Nice schmice

I Googled "husband takes me for granted".  I found this article that exactly tells what is going on in my marriage.

http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/women_tak...

I was too nice and hard working...pitching in when things got tough to support my family.  He has enjoyed himself and feels like a lucky, princely fun guy causing RESENTMENT on my part (the behind the scenes hag).  It is time for some tough love, not for trying to understand him and his lack of motivation.  I am GIVING dh a dose of motivation.  Today, instead of rushing to get everything done and making life pleasant for him, I sat on the deck and blew bubbles....usually I would have had salad, dinnerware set, special drinks, everything nice and tidy.   Remember, this is the guy who said to me, "What have you EVER done for me?" AND "I don't have to work because I don't spend any money."

Why did I get tied to this guy?  This is what I am trying to figure out and to see if I can find some of my self back.  So, I asked him if he would grill what I had prepared. Then I sat on the deck and blew bubbles. He came with the platter of grilled meat and I continued to focus playfully on the bubbles...not on him.  He looked perturbed at first. Then, HE hustled!!!!! I have not seen him hustle for 40 years....he is usually like Jethro Clampett.  

I think I am on to something.  I ask him directly for what I want from him...he is willing to work but has no direction or self motivation.  This requires planning on my part.  Then, I make sure I don't step in and help or do it for him.  I DETACH and find my own balance and enjoyment.  I think we both enjoyed to see him move and figure out what to do himself rather than both of us depending on me to coordinate, enable, decide, serve. 

I did not cause him to be the way he is.  I cannot control him.  I cannot cure his ADD or his dependence on beer and denial. 

I CAN put him on the hot seat and take myself off the hot seat.  If he wants to live with me, he has to come half way....maybe even 60% of the way for a while as I try to turn things around.  If it doesn't happen, it is up to me to find people and community to fill my needs of belonging and not keep trying to get something from someone who is unable or unwilling to give.

I have been afraid of appearing like a diva or selfish.  What I was doing was being a wishywashy non-person...a servant girl.  A dog who thought I had to be nice and smile in the face of humiliation.  NO MORE!  My sanity will not tolerate things as they had been.  It is time to "woman-up!"

IO's picture

Nice work : )

I have certainly had some success with my husband (not all the time, but he's only recently started going to doctor/therapy/taking medication, etc) in the past - even pre-treatment - with doing stuff like this. Sometimes I just quit. For instance, right now, we're having a little trouble because he's still not on ADD medication, his doctor has him taking anti-depressants to "deal with his depression" first (which I don't agree with) and I feel like it is making things worse. I am super stressed out, and so today, I decided I am doing...nothing. Instead of making sure the coffee gets set up for the morning, or trying to get all the laundry and dishes done and trying to make sure dinner is available when he gets home (from his really inconveniently timed group therapy) I am just not doing ANYTHING. It's not even that I am "overworked" but I am mentally overloaded right now, and I am focusing on me, and getting some help for myself. Period.

I'm glad you found something

I'm glad you found something that works for you and hope it continues. This doesn't work with my husband at all -- if I just give up, he lets everything go to total pot.