No Friends ?

I saw the email from Melissa and I think the studies are right. I have no close friends at all. And as a result of my ADD my wife has no close friends either. It took me a long time to realize how insensitive the things coming out of my mouth were and how they effected others. My wife lost friends and then didn't want me to meet any new friends for fear I would screw it up. I also was so focused on what mattered to me and spoke about it to my friends in conversation, looking back, I did all the talking and they did none so some friend I was! I see the same exact traits in my oldest daughter with ADD. She monopolizes every conversation with completely meaningless stuff when with her friends and never asks them about anything they are interested in. So she has virtually no friends either. Imagining going through grammar school and not getting invited to any birthday parties. Sad, but true, so she too will have no friends when she is older either. We are working with her on it, but it is tough.

no friends

I am so glad you can see what your behavior does to others.  I have been married to an ADHD man for 50 years and did not know this was the problem.  As a result, he has no close friends nor do I.  I used to be a real people person, but the pain of slowly loosing friends as they progressed with their lives has been so very painful.  He still can't see what my problem is, but I must say, I have never been so lonely in my life.  Years ago I have actually been told, after a night out with friends, I should learn to keep my mouth shut, as what he had to say was more important.  Please seek help for your daughter, as friends seem to become more important as we get older.

No friends

I wanted to thank you for your post. My boyfriend of two and a half years had only one friend when I met him. My BF hasn't questioned their friendship many times over the years and she's he feels they pretty much use each other for their own reasons. What I've struggled with and been confused by is that he says he really doesn't understand what friendship is. I have a very close group of friends and he's commented that he thinks we all must only be friends to get something from each other. He means beyond the emotional bonds of friendships. He believes we, and all friends, are only there basically to perform some kind of work or activities for each other when one of us needs it. When we have conversations about this we have great difficulty seeing the other's point of view. I can't tell if he's really doesn't understand emotional closeness (which has been an issue in our own relationship) or if he's being cynical. Interestingly he loves to meet and talk to new people. Before we were together (and during) he would go out to bars and just sit and talk to the people around him. He loves to hear people's stories and tell them his. He used to tell me that I'm antisocial because I didn't enjoy this even though I am out with different friends most nights of the week. I'm confused by his perception of being social and friendships.

Like you mentioned in your post, my BF also talks to people about his own interests, which are usually whatever he is hyperfocused on at the time and also tend to be not very interesting to those around him. My question to you is this: Did you ever miss having friends? Did you ever feel that there was anything lacking in your life without them?  

no friends

I am sorry it has taken me so long to answer.  I was seeking help for depression.  I can't tell you how much I miss my friends, but they have moved on in their lives and I am glad for them.  I have felt a huge lack in my life without those friends.  Part of the problem was he had us move over 30 times so it was hard to hold onto friends.  Please, please, don't do what I did and give into fear.  You will loose who you are and become an angry person.  If you can, work it out.

I had this same issue when I

I had this same issue when I first met my husband. I didn't realize it as it was happening, but he slowly managed to put a wedge between me and all of my good friends....even if only by physically keeping me from spending time with them through anger and guilt. He had several friends, but none signifcant. It was some sort of unspoken, but known, rule in his mind that we didn't need friends or to hang out with other people. All of the sudden, he decided it WAS something he wanted to do (he reconnected with an old friend) and all of the rules changed. It took me a while, but I finally managed to rebuild friendships that were damaged (because of his sick ability to convince me that my friends hated him for no good reason and I actually turned on my very best friend because of it...something I regret to this day). I still don't have a lot of social outings with my friends, in spite of the fact that he spent MANY years (about 6) going out several nights a week, drinking, and livng the single life (he was, as DF so beautifully put it, RUNNING from our marriage). I have, however, managed to salvage the hurt and mend the damage done and I will never let him have that much control over my thoughts again.

He has one really close friend...and a lot of casual friends. He does see the value in friendship and being loyal, but I think he was (and still is) threatened by my friends and that is why he methodically got rid of all of them. He will occasionally say things that elude to the fact that he feels like my friends don't respect our marriage..which is very untrue...and the irony of that is that he had one friend that he consistently drank with and hung out with during his six year 'binge' that OBVIOUSLY (to me) had zero respect for our marriage (and ultimately introduced him to the woman he had the affair with) and no matter how many times I pointed it out to him, he refused to see it as an issue. SOOO many double standards.

But, ultimately we are all responsible for our own actions and our own decisions and I just didn't value friendship back then the way I do now. I thought he was all I needed. As soon as he eliminated everyone else from my life, then he withdrew himself for several years.

What I find so ironic about

What I find so ironic about this situation is that for years I was accused of wanting to control him and not wanting him to have any free will but looking back, the first few years of our marriage were nothing but him controlling every aspect of my life: FRIENDS - they didn't like him, in his mind, so I had to choose between him and them. SEX - we only had sex when he wanted it and that was very infrequently. TIME TOGETHER AS A FAMILY - at his complete discretion and very, very infrequently. I basically sat at home, took care of the kids, looked forward to his coming home...then spent the rest of the evening feeling sad and lonely when he would say "hi" and then disappear to the back of the house and his computer.

Yes, I did become controlling and manipulative, I won't deny it..after I was backed into a corner and felt I had lost all control over myself. I came out of it and went to the complete other end of the spectrum. I bet he would never admit to  or acknowledge any of this.

I understand completely how

I understand completely how you feel. My Husband and I have no close friends either. He has ADHD and I have social anxiety and depression. It's even worse that neither of us is very close with our family so we have a lack of support. Plus, my closest friend has untreated ADHD herself (she is in denial about it causing any problems in her relationships) so she doesn't seem to understand our issues very well. It's helped me to read posts in this forum and we just started going to an ADHD support group in our area which is a wonderful resource that I would recommend.