Hi everyone,
I'm very new to this site but I've been reading a lot of your posts & feeling both relieved & overwhelmed at all our common experiences. For some background, I am 32 years old & have been married for 6 years to my husband who has ADHD. He is currently going to counseling & should be getting on some medication here in the next couple of weeks. I am still reading through The ADHD Effect on Marriage & trying to work on my end of things.
For the last 5 years we've been having sex less than 12 times a year give or take a few. I know some classify this as a "sexless marriage". Sexual consistency is a huge issue for us & is honestly one of the issues I'm struggling with the hardest. We are affectionate pretty much daily holding hands, hugs, & kissing sometimes. So we are able to connect physically in some ways. I've asked if he's using porn to meet his sexual needs & he says he's not & I believe him. I don't believe he is having an affair.
When it comes to sex though it just doesn't seem to be on the top of his list or maybe anywhere on his list? To be fair I am not great at initiating sex. When we do have sex he does seem really happy about it. It's almost like he's on a "high" for a few days after that. At that point I usually think things are going to get better & we're going to start gaining some momentum but then another month goes by maybe two and it's nothing. It hurts me so much that this is "our pattern". It's affecting my self esteem quite a little bit. It's so hard not to feel like it's personal or feeling like "maybe I'm not good enough" or maybe he is just not turned on by me. He says he wants me and wants to improve our sex life, but his actions tend to say the opposite. I'm getting to the point where I almost don't want to have sex anymore because I'm tired of having my hopes crushed & being let down. I want to avoid sex to avoid being hurt if that makes sense. I don't even know where to start on trying to rebuild our sex life. Or perhaps it's just too late?
Would appreciate any advice from either side of the ADHD coin.
Thanks
There is always hope:)
Submitted by c ur self on
It sounds like you need to get out of your comfort zone a little with this...If you are both healthy and able and he is being truthful in telling you he enjoy's it, this time between should be easily changed. I know all men are different just as all women are, so it's hard to say what should be with this...But, I will just tell you this about myself...I guess I'm normal :)...I'm 57 and enjoy sex with my wife often...Often meaning after a few days, I'm seeking it out...When I was 32 like yourself 3 to 5 times a week wasn't unusual...I wouldn't consider adhd the problem, although it could be playing a role in the way you view time between sex and the way your husband views the time between sex. You said in your post 12 times annually give or take over the last 5 years of your 6 year marriage...What about the 1st year? You say y'all have an affectionate relationship which is good...One of those times when y'all are having a loving moment just share with him that you want to start making love more often and see how he feels about it....Since you are not comfortable (great at it) initiating...try scheduling it for a month or two, just to turn things around. Also I suggest you set aside a day each month for a couple of months, maybe a weekend when you agree to just stay in bed all day or the better part of a day and just laugh, talk and make love...My feelings are if your husband loves you and likes love making with you. This want be hard...If he rejects this proposal, I would suggest a third party, a good counselor...There are many things that can happen to men and women in there adolescent years that can cause this...Stuff that can be so deep seeded they can block it completely out...It could also just be a performance fear...Many men deal with feeling of inadequacies at times and you probably will be hard pressed to get him to open up about it...I don't know what is schedule in like, but it could be something as simple as being tired and overwhelmed....Good luck and honey it's never to late :)
Thank you for replying c ur
Submitted by Seeking Balance on
Thank you for replying c ur self! A few months after we go married my husband was deployed to Iraq for a year. So that first year we obviously missed out on a lot. Previous to getting married though we definitely had a more active/regular sex life. I really appreciate your suggestions & advice. I will definitely take them to heart. I can't honestly say for sure that ADHD is the root problem in our sex life, but I agree that it is playing a role for certain. I think time does pass differently for my husband and I try to take that in to account. I think we are both very overwhelmed by trying to sort out the ADHD issues & the changes we need to make in ourselves. Sometimes reaching these goals to better our relationship seems impossible. However, I will try to remain hopeful & hope that we can have what you and your wife have some day.
Thanks again.
Blessings!
Submitted by c ur self on
You have a wonderful outlook, never loose it...Just remember to focus twice as hard on your love as you do his adhd :)...We really can't change others, but, if we do play a positive role it helping change someone's behaviors, in my experience loving them and being a positive role model is about the only two things I've saw work. :)
C urself
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
C urself
Just remember to focus twice as hard on your love as you do his adhd :)...We really can't change others, but, if we do play a positive role it helping change someone's behaviors, in my experience loving them and being a positive role model is about the only two things I've saw work. :)
Awwww.... C urself, this is the SWEETEST advice ever :)! So true, no matter if you are talking about your spouse or your child. Feeling loved is imperative to feeling safe, trusting your partner, and therefore, listening and respecting his or her advice. It's so much easier to take your medicine knowing that the person administering it loves you unconditionally :).
Oh I understand this totally...
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Seeking Balance, I have had the same issues in my marriage. But I dont get the other affectionate touches like you get. I cant honestly say if it is ADHD affecting your situation and not something else underlying it - but I know that ADHD can have a devastating effect on a romantic relationship. Everything from the disinterest in things that the non-ADHD spouse cares about (which discourages romantic interest), the non attentive way that ADHD spouses can be about every day things can hurt the romance, the way that ADHD folks have tendencies to forget things that are important - esspecially things pertaining to the relationship can put a damper on how the non-ADHD person feels. It adds up to neglect, and no one can function forever in that state.
For me - even though my currently separated husband is everything I have dreamed up as far as attraction, I think he is beautiful - every line on his face, every scar, every freckle, his eyes, his hair, even his ears. I could not imagine anyone more handsome or captivating. But I have lost any sexual interest in him - NOT because I am not attracted to him, but because the years of constant rejection have taught me that "No" is what I will receive if I ever instigate anything at all. I guess its not so much the interest in him that I have lost, because I still remember the few times we were intimate and I long for those times to come back. I have just lost interest in pursuing him that way because I know that in the end, if I do, I will almost 99.9% for sure be crying alone in the living room wondering what is wrong with me.
I have no self value anymore, and I dont feel good about myself anymore. I went from feeling good about who I was, having a ton of self confidence and excitement of life, to thinking that I was not valuable at all even as a friend. After years of thinking that I am not worthy of any affection - its become almost an ironclad belief and my shield - if that makes sense? My own self esteem is eroded to the point of being just ash in the wind right now. I have had to struggle with my weight for a while now between overwhelming stress from ALL directions and a pretty severe back injury in 2011 - it seems that my health has spiraled out of control. Which of course has made all of the issues with in my marriage 1000000 times worse. At this point, while I desperately crave attention and affection - I am no sure how I could handle how awkward it would feel to actually get it or even how to respond! I would give anything to try, for him to come back home and work with me on it.
I feel for you Seeking Balance. And I hope that you you do find the answers and find that balance in your marriage. Dont count out any underlying issues. It could be all ADHD, but I bet not. Seek counseling , even if it is for yourself.
I'm in the same boat
Submitted by frustratedinfla on
My DH was diagnosed two months ago. He doesn't touch me or kiss me like before. I feel like it's me, like he doesn't find me attractive anymore or want to be with me. I'm 39, mother of two, up until ADHD we were the ones for each other. Our second chances at love and happily ever after, forever and eternity. He tells me his brain works differently now, he wants to have sex with me, he just gets sidetracked or lost or looses the time then it's too late, his meds are worn off and he's either angry or ready for bed.
From your post...I would bet it's not you!
Submitted by c ur self on
Do not take on a bunch of insecurities that are unfounded...I bet he still thinks you are beautiful...Med's may help some things, but they can wreck others...like libido, desire and energy levels...Be wise and watch for patterns...The end of the day can be the absolute worst time for sex for a tired husband or wife on meds...You may be limited to how much flirting you can do based on your children ages...but the day's you can...show his some stuff:) But, one point here I would like to make...You CAN NOT take moodiness from a person who is coming down emotionally and physically who has just went through a work day (basically on Speed) personally, although it effects us personally...You cannot let your emotions get so entangled to the point you start feeling like it's something you've done or he feels differently about you...That's a big lie!...You must rebuke that voice. Stay positive you are only responsible for your own actions as a wife and mother...Things do change, so we have to change with them...Attack him when's he's fresh! Sorry if this sounds instructive...Just wanted to encourage you!
Similar situation here
Submitted by Hope to peace on
I always start off by explaining this is a same sex relationship so that the content dousn't get confusing when I say she and then answer from a females perspective :) So my partner and I have been together for 4 years, both in our mid 40's believe we have finally found the "one". She is the ADHD partner and YEP!! Everything said in this forum I/we can relate to! I am so happy you brouhgt up SEX because majority of posts discuss everything but! And really, without a healthy connection and intimacy how is any of this frustration worth it....on BOTH sides!!
My partner and I LOVE sex and are both very adventerous and pretty much a match in the bedroom. I say pretty much because....welll...she has ADHD and often gets distracted, forget ful, impatient, bored, etc. She LOVES the way I make love to her and LOVES to comment on how AWESOME our sex life is! WEll.....for me.....still working on that one. Often she does not "make the moves" and her idea of initiating is to say "I want to F you" and thats about it for foreplay! "Get in the shower baby" "Get in the room" "Get naked"...yep, that's foreplay for her! You know, I model mood setting behaviours: back rubs, kissing every where on body, gazing into her eyes longingly and kissing with intense passion, etc. SHE LOVES IT/LOVES RECEIVING IT :) AWESOME!! But......has yet to catch on -----regularly----on reciprocating it. I do tell her at times, but she becomes so sad and goes from "I am an awesome lover and you will never find anyone better then me" ....to "oh! I'm failing in the bedroom too! I am such a failer, I just can't seem to make you happy in any area of our life". So....lately I havn't really commented too much about her lack of foreplay and "warming me up". A few months ago I was really angry that I always had to make the moves and get "her" in the mood. I recented it ALOT to the point that I just refused!! AND that fact that she would not even acknowledge that I was refussing and seemed just fine going for months without that beautiful connection infuriated me even more!!! I began to feel unsexy, undesierable, and add to that the other distratctions and I just felt down right forgotten about. THEN....i thought to myself (as I often tend to need to do with this ADHD stuff): What is the big deal that I ALWAYS have to initiate? Once I get her going she often gives back! And maybe....just maybe..if I intiate more, we will have more sex, and so there will be greater opportunities for me to express in the moment what I would like done and the more we do that the more she just might be able to build a memory and surprise me sometime by doing it HERSELF without my loving and playful reminders....ha ha....she will probably even think it was her idea! Wouldn't that be great :) So I let go of what I wanted her to do or what I believed a good lover would do and I honored her challenges and decided to just take control of the situation...WHY??? Because I CAN! Because I do not have ADHD and I CAN remember it has been too long, and I can remember how we function much better as a unit when we have been that close, and I can remember what she likes and how to get her going, and I CAN make sure we have a healthy sex life and plenty of opportunities to remember our passion for each other and to share that closeness. Getting mad at her for not realizing it has been 2 months since...... or that the last two times I "did" her....does nothing FOR ME! No.....I remember, I can ask in the moment (when passion is so high it dousn't sound like I am nagging or complaining)....I CAN TAKE CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION and stop waiting for her to do something that obviously is a challenge for her and that having as a healthy part of our life together is TOO IMPORTANT FOR ME TO TAKE A BACK SEAT! And for those times when she does seem to become hyper focused on something stressful or the sniffles or something....and just clearly does not want to be touched or isn't feeling particularly amorus, I have a trusty vibrator!! A trusty vibrator that allows me to meet my needs and fantasize about the time....not too far off...that she will be back to her wanting self and I will lye next to her and rub her back.......and press my body against hers......and we will be off and running!!
Hope this helps to empower you in this area! :)
Appreciate all of your words & experiences
Submitted by Seeking Balance on
I really appreciate what everyone has shared here. It's been really helpful to me & my husband. My heart goes out to all of you that are having these same issues.
Although I'm a work in progress & might be able to say this today I hope the others on here who are feeling bad about themselves let that go. It's not worth it and most of all it's not true.
finding confidence
Submitted by Smokey on
From my experience, sex and ADHD are definitely related. After all, even with all the rewards, sometimes after a long and stressful day, sex can seem like more work than watching TV or playing video games (in the case of my ADHD BF of 10 years). However, ADHD doesn't account for everything. My situation is very similar to yours, and there are a few things that I have found completely invaluable, hopefully you will find some of it helpful!
The hardest part is working on my own confidence. I realize I spent years blaming him for not initiating sex often enough, and for not doing what I needed to be turned on although he knows how. Slowly over time I realized that if I wanted to improve my sex life, I had to stop caring about rejection, stop caring about looking silly, stop being afraid to tell him exactly what I want, stop being afraid to ask him what he wants, etc. Stop being afraid that, if I do something new and exciting, he won't be into it.
Part of this is setting up expectations. I would put on something sexy and say to myself "I'm going to wear this with pride and a smile. My goal is to get a smile and a compliment back. If that doesn't happen right away, I'll point out how good I look and shamelessly fish for a compliment. That's okay. If we don't have sex, that's okay. I'm wearing this because it's sexy and fun." That way, there's less room for disappointment, which in my experience has meant less room for shattered confidence.
This took a lot of work but it made a big difference. Now, if I get rejected, I can laugh about it, and he can acknowledge my effort with affection and appreciation. Before, if I made an effort under the guise of confidence, he acted defensive and fearful because he could see the impending reaction from me: "See! You told me to initiate more and this is what I get!!" This left me feeling both rejected and unappreciated, and it wasn't a productive way for me to react. It took a long time, and it took a change in attitude on both of our parts, but it has made a big difference. I initiate more and I'm rejected less. When I am rejected, I don't see it so much as rejection but as an elaborate, enjoyable flirtation that doesn't happen to lead to sex. It's a lot more fun than feeling like I'm no good!
This change was very difficult for me as I do not by default have a lot of confidence, especially not sexual confidence. I read a book "The nice girl's guide to talking dirty" which helped a lot. Even if you're not interested in talking dirty, the book is more about gaining confidence and finding your voice. Hint: you actually have do do all the exercises in the book, and take it slowly, not just read through it.
He had to change his attitude, too. This also took a while -- dropping his defenses, giving me the benefit of the doubt, taking a risk with me and trusting me not to break down into a low-self-esteem depression if things didn't go exactly as planned. Learning to respond more positively to my advances, and learning to make more advances himself. Learning that if I am initiating, he needs to pay attention and acknowledge it, even if it doesn't lead to sex.
Neither of us are perfect in our sexual relationship -- just like in all other aspects of our lives. But changing our attitudes, trust, and confidence has made a world of difference. There are still "lulls" in our sex life, and I do still have to make more of an effort than I did when we were first dating, but I also can say with confidence that we both have a highly satisfactory and reciprocal sex life.
I would say it's definitely not too late! There have been many times when I've been hurt and I think "I never want to go through this again!" This issue, like most, is easier to tackle when your self-esteem is not at stake, so maybe try starting there and try to have fun!
Wow! Thank you!
Submitted by Seeking Balance on
Frida,
All I can say is... wow! You just described me & my feelings exactly! It feels incredible and honestly warms my heart to know that another woman understands my situation so completely and has had the same experiences. I only realized days ago after c ur self suggested that I needed to step out of my comfort zone and start initiating. I love your suggestions and attitude about this. I'm definitely going to look in to that book. Your post just made my night and inspires me so much.
Most sincerely thank you!
You're welcome!
Submitted by Smokey on
I'm glad to have helped.
A note about the book: I almost disregarded it at first, it seems very "light and fluffy." I read through it and tossed it on a shelf, thinking it shallow. Then, desperate, I picked it up and tried it out again. When I actually took the time to go through each chapter slowly, to do each of the exercises sincerely, I found that it wasn't such a fluffly little book.
Good luck!