I have posted here before but it was a while ago. My husband has been out of work for over 2 years, acting as a SAHD currently and trying to get on a useful treatment plan. There are a number of problems:
1--I'm disabled but working full time and I am the main breadwinner. The stress of our financial situation is making it hard for me to keep working full time while dealing with my health struggles but there's a limited amount I can do to help with my stress that wouldn't further strain the budget (such as cut hours or take leave).
2--He struggles to both care for our 4 year old to an appropriate standard and keep the home. When we both worked, we would get paid help with that because I can't do a lot, which we have had to pare way back (but still can't do without completely which strains the budget).
3--He has the ability to make money with flexible hours (not GOOD money), but I struggle to single parent while doing stuff like cooking dinner. I have a very limited number of "spoons" (MS-related fatigue limits my available energy). I've asked him to make sure there's something I can easily heat up always available but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes I'm so tired he can't work in the hours that he normally could because things hare not been set up for me to succeed.
4--We can't afford childcare to allow him to work without a job that makes a decent amount first (childcare costs are HIGH in our area and spots hard to obtain). Our son attends preschool 3 afternoons a week currently. I don't feel my husband is using this time effectively to work/look for work/get things done at home while he's not having to parent.
5--I don't believe his team (therapist and psych) are helping him as much as they could be nor ar they "experts" on ADD which he needs because he needs MAJOR help with coming up with tools, strategies, scaffolding and accommodations to help him succeed. He needs to work aggressively towards a workable treatment plan. We can't afford a "coach" although that's what he probably needs.
I want to try to address all these issues but I don't know what's fair. I am unwilling to micromanage his life, and besides I do not have the energy for that. I already spend too much time worrying and assisting him during the day when I'm supposed to be working. I'm not a fan of "ultimatums" which usually damage the relationship. But things *must* get better and sooner rather than later if we don't want to lose our house. Also, having specific goals would probably be helpful to him. He hasn't been able to clearly tell me what I could do to help give him some "scaffolding" and he's often resistant to what I'm able to research and suggest that we might try. I want to add in some accountability here.
Is it fair to give him deadlines for addressing some of my items? Such as "Starting April 1 we need to designate the nights you are working and all of those nights you need to have something prepared for me to heat for dinner as we agreed". Or,"Starting April 15 you need get some hours in 3 days a week/you need to work at least 8 hours a week/whatever we agree on". I feel like this is parenting him to a certain extent and I don't love it as a solution but without accountability his working hours have been erratic in the extreme and are always getting disrupted by something.
I am ready for any honest comments especially from anyone in a similar spot. My disability and being overwhelmed/stressed/fatigued means I really CAN'T overfunction to compensate for him but I think that's led me to a place where I am making WAY too many allowances and it's eventually going to get us into a desperate spot financially. I acknowledge that I've likely done things to contribute to the situation so I'm not looking for sympathy as much as real talk and guidance as far as what's FAIR for me to do to start expecting accountability, improvement and getting us on the right track.
Thanks for reading and for thoughtful comments.