What is it called when trite, seemingly small,but harmful/hurtful things happen over and over until they become normal? I''m sure there is a word for that. I am trying to make myself aware of why I am so angry and resentful when I don't have the words to explain...some things seem so trivial but added up over decades they have eroded my well-being.
Like this that just happened:
H and I have been fixing up the laundry room...each conributing. It has been almost done now for 3 weeks....but there is a big machine in there..some kind of hydraulic pressure pump that he says he needs to be able to pound in a few nails at the bottom wood trim along the bottom edge of the wall. He says he can't just pound the nails into the small trim...he needs this 4'x2'x1' hydraulic machine "to do the job right". I think he doesn't know what he is doing. Anyway, that machine is in the middle of the room for 3 weeks.
I asked him if I could move it out of the room while I did a lot of wash I need for the weekend....he promised me it would have been done a month ago and I have worked "around" the machine and tools for that time. Now, instead of answering my question by saying, "Ooops, sorry hun. Let me get that for you in about an hour when I can get to it" he says sarcasticaly "What's the matter with you? You can't stand a little pump in your way now?" I used to take that to heart and ponder if I was nagging. For decades, I have been trying to understand and change MY ways so that I could be a good and cooperative wife so his tender ego would be supported. Guess what? I just heard an ex wife-abuser on NPR talk about how he would only abuse his spouse(s) when he knew that he "could" get away with it with them - that they would LET him. I am now realizing, while I have not been physically abused, that H has been verbally beating me up with many, many, thousands of these seemingly inconsequential little phrases that turned around a simple cooperative reaquest into a delving into "What's got you so pissed off THIS time?" response.
You know what? I am done with that. H has used up ALL of his second chances. He is not getting away with ANYTHING anymore. ....I refuse to "feel bad" that we don't get along. I am willing to accept that we don't get along. I am willing to accept that the part I played in our difficulties is that I was "nice" and tried to be cooperative.
For me, it is all about accepting what is.