I used to post here when I was married to an ADD man. We are thankfully divorced. He still drives me crazy sometimes because we co-parent, but I am getting used to it.
I'm sure a lot of you have to deal with this negative defense tactic, Defend, Deny, Deflect. I have seen it in past relationships, but my current bf takes it to the extreme. If I bring up anything that makes him feel wrong, he will either clam up completely or work this defense until I am so confused and frustrated that I want to throw things and punch walls. I don't react this way to anything else in life and can only remember getting that way once or twice in my lifetime. Since he moved in, in November, I get this frustrated every month or two. Monday night was the last straw.
I am always compromising to make this relationship work. I had just compromised that I would be the one to initiate sex (if I don't, he rarely will) and it honestly didn't bother me once it was I decided. I felt really good that I reached a decision that I could live with. Everything was great. I conveniently forgot about the other major problem. The one where I can't always tell him that something he does bothers me. Sometimes I can, but that's because he won't react or say a word. Sometimes I can't because he wildly overreacts and deflects blame.
I was cooking dinner and he said something that hurt my feelings. I tried to calmly bring it to his attention, but he made a joke. I then said "what you did made me feel really bad" and that is when the defend, deny, deflect tornado started. He gets really loud and whiny. This is how I know I'm about to be driven crazy. I try to stay on subject, but he goes all over the place. He stormed off, and I yelled that all I wanted was an apology. Problem is, he is the type that never apologizes about anything. He came back into the kitchen and told me that he didn't need to apologize because I didn't apologize for something earlier. Something he, of course, didn't complain about when it was happening. Something I never once blamed him for and literally said to him then "I am so mad at myself for not making that clearer to you". He said he doesn't remember me saying that and storms off again. I turned homemade meatballs back into ground beef and then almost violently threw it all across the room.
Today is Friday and I am still hurt because he never apologized or tried to resolve this in any way. Before, I have always willed myself to get over it, but I know I can't do this long term. He has been really attentive and nice when I come home, and I appreciate that, but it's not the same. This is his way of patching things up, but he is always nice, helpful, and thoughtful. I can't help but behave a little differently around him. I have zero interest in touching him or vice versa. I am trying to be nice, polite, and thoughtful, just like him, but I am also giving him a taste of his own medicine in subtle ways. It feels really good.
I feel like I am finally done, but his leaving right away would be a financial hardship. I just want to coexist for a little while. I just wonder how he is going to take it when he finally wants to have sex and I turn him down for the first time. I don't have a relationship really. He has zero communication skills, rarely initiates sex, doesn't make me feel hot or sexy, never apologizes or attempts to resolve conflicts, and gets overly defensive/deflects blame if I try to communicate a problem or simply get my feelings hurt. I'm tired of forgiving and compromising.
Next time I feel he is about to defend, deny, deflect, I am going to hand him a piece of paper and a pen and make him communicate that way. He won't be able to get completely crazy and twist/exaggerate things. This is me solving another problem and I am sick of it.
Hi lauren07
Submitted by jennalemone on
This is SOOOO what I was wondering. If I had left H early on, would I have not found someone else similar? I was attracted by the bad boys when I was young. I didn't term them as bad at the time of my youth, but as "strong" and fun. They were the ones who would put up a flying finger if authority was in their face. They were the ones who loudly and quickly proclaimed their love for me. I was a quiet, reserved good girl and felt cared for and safe being "in the arms" of a boy that was willing to fight (for me, I thought). The trouble with thinking this is that as years went on, and the world did not treat him well because of his "bad boy" actions, the one person he could still count on to have power over was me. Because I was taught I must "give" of myself to him in united partnership. There is a little "bully" and "imp" in a bad boy - a fighter. And to this day I am blamed for everything in his life and I am now the thing (authority? responsibility? verbal punching bag?) that he must fight against. Yesterday we were granddaughters sitting for 2 days and I had a doctors appointment. Youngest had a tantrum in the 2 hours I was gone. I got back H was so furious at me that he was slamming things in front of the girls. Saying sarcastic things to me in front of them. This anger " (only at me) lasted the rest of the night. Today I am a little afraid of him. He is not able to communicate when necessary and covers up all thoughts and feelings with bravado and jokes and has often said as words to live by: "Don't get mad, get even." I know that if I cross him, he will get back at me in triplicate. So I live anxiously wondering if I have crossed one of his imaginary lines and he needs to "get back" at me so that HE can feel calm and equalized.
The lesson I have learned from this is, you ARE the company you keep. The people you spend the most time with are those whose habits of thought and action you assimilate. Had I known then what I know now............. How could I have known that this would turn out this way? I knew H for 15 years before I married him, knew his family. He was what I was attracted to....It was my choice.
Laruen07, I hear you. When I look at the world and see buildings being built, cities being planned, economies being held up, I know that there must be men and women who are able and willing to put their focus on making things good and right and building positive things together. There are not a lot of men in my ever decreasing social world. There are none who I would want to be married to that I know. I must take this as my own problem. NOT to have expected someone to take care of me (like the old songs crooned was a GOOD thing) but to be OK no matter what. To be true to myself. I should have been more leery of getting stuck and less afraid of being alone.