Non-ADD spouse dealing with addictions to Porn and/or alcohol

Am I the only one (with the exception of about 3-4 other couples) dealing with their ADD spouse addictions?  In my brief search on this topic, I do not know if my husband's addiction to PORN is something that's ADD related or simply something that he wants to do.

In the morning, PORN, mid morning PORN, noon PORN, afternoon PORN, evening PORN, midnight PORN.  Ughhhhhh I feel so sexually inadequate.  Brief history to get you caught up... been married for 7 years, 2 young children, hubby recently diagnosed with ADD (in the past year). 

Caught up?  Good...

Okay, my journey.... if the hubby and I 'commune' together, he'd get up...I'd lay their and bask in the glow of our 'communion'.  He'd then come back into the bed room and revisit positions, groans, etc and relish on the 'notion' that he 'tore it up'.  Okay.. I'm thinking he needs to feel like he was all that and a bag of chips...cool, so I say yeah.... you sure did.  I get up to go wash up...come out of the bathroom and what do I see?  My husband on the computer wacking off looking at a porn site.  To others?  It may not be a big deal...to me?  I feel inadequate as if what we just shared was insufficient and I DID NOT tear it up.  This has been my on going issue with his habit.  I've never had a problem with him viewing porn, but when/if he engages in conversation (either text, email, or web cam) that's a NO NO.  I consider it cheating.  He wacks off so much until I feel that if I tell him no... no not now, he'll find another 'cyber woman' to get him off.  If I can not satisfy you at any given time, why is it so difficult to just not do anything?  I do not see sex as a vital part of life now.... because if I can't he'd find someone in cyber land that will.

Various times within our marriage, I've caught him conversing via telephone or email with a chick I name "the devil".  This is a person whom he met on the internet before me, went to her house, and she answered the door on her knees ready to suck him off into oblivion (yes a real skank). When he reaches out for 'the devil' it's always because "my wife" isn't giving me the attention I need yada ya ya.  So when I am hurt, he takes my pain, pushes it on the back burner and then adds oil to it by saying... it's because you didn't do X, Y and Z.  My husband has been suicidal and I've called 911 on 3 occasions just in the past year 1/2.  When does these attempts occur?  Ding Ding... you got it!  Right after he gets caught doing something he had no business.  He talks about our marriage to every Tina, Dena, and Harriet... always women.  Then he had the audacity to tell me that he talks to 'the devil' because she's a freak.  I asked him..... "Mr Smarty pants, we've been together for 8 1/2 years, married for 7, has this 'devil' ever had a man?  Does she have a man now?  Okay, and the pictures that she sends you just as you ask for them of her 'jugs'.... do you really think that shes' choosing to be single?  And please, do you really think she takes those photos of her 'jugs', saves them in hopes of you contacting her so that she can forward them only to you?  HELL naw... she's exchanging those same photos with everyone else.

Ughhhhhh, I don't know what to do.... We don't talk, when he wants to talk it always has to do with something I need to change to accommodate his ADD world.  I have told him, I am treating this disorder just as if you were confined to a wheel chair.  Yes, I'd make adjustments i.e. ramp to the house, objects out of the way, research what it is you would encounter and/or feel.  But under no circumstances would I go out and try to do something to get myself confined to a wheel chair.  Which means, I'll make adjustment that I can and I am comfortable with, but having ADD (any disorder and/or handicap), he has to incorporate himself in to the 'real world'.  I can try and meet him half way...but at the end of the day, I'm just a 'supplement' to the disorder and not the carrier. I can never fully understand what it is like for him...and I'm slowing coming to the realization that he can not understand the affect ADD has on me or his kids.

Sooooo, again, my question is....are there others dealing with addictive issues that are also affecting your marriage/relationship?  If it's porn, how do you deal with it and/or move...heal?

Addictions to porn...alcohol....

First off....I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I can tell you with complete confidence that you are not alone here. Granted I just recently came out of a relationship with almost parallel symmetries to your own....I have full empathy for the situation and how you must be feeling. I'm sure we all end up with "that person" for reasons to begin with....mine came off as a wonderful man who seemed to have some challenges, but according to him was never treated properly, with empathy, or understood at all. As time went on it was very apparent that he has a severe drinking problem and hid it for some time...I think he felt that for the amount of time we were together and for the patience and understanding I committed to him, he didn't have to hide it any more. With the drinking came pure cruelty. He would be a completely different person: accuse me of outlandish things like cheating, make fun of me, name call, simply mean....I don't know another word....then there was no accountability ever. He would "forget", confuse one situation with another or be angry at me for "pounding him into oblivion" (his words) when he couldn't simply apologize....or I would get: I'm insecure...that's part of ADD(HD).... I told you this and you don't get it. Basically any excuse to not have any responsibility. It gets better. The porn. He would tell me that just because I'm the only one on the planet who doesn't watch it doesn't mean it's wrong.....but he would watch things like: teenagers and young and illegal...the intimacy was rare and mediocre at best and obviously the porn a priority and a problem. He even used my computer, left it open on his dirty sites and my daughter has free reign of the computer. Not cool. He made me feel inadequate for his lacking and insecurities. Oh....and was on dating websites constantly...thinking I was too naive to know or find out. I tried all angles...understanding, letting it go, trying to explain how his actions affected me....to no avail. I know the ADD has a lot to do with all of it and there are many different degrees/severity of it....but I also believe we are each individuals and the people we are ADD or not....everyone has issues and faults...there just comes a time when I feel the ADD is there but also used as an excuse or crutch to excuse hurtful and ignorant behavior. That is when those such as you and I (and many,many others) need to decide: is it too much? It it ALL ADD? Where's the line there? There is a person in there somewhere....and potentially this brings out the golden rule of: treat others like you'd like to be treated. How do you think he would handle this if the tables were turned? ADD or not, there IS a line and boundaries, common courtesy and respect. Again, I am firm in believing there are choices too. I am not "on your side" but can tell you that you aren't alone here. I "get" it....and have such a compassion and grief on your behalf....I guess it's how much you can take, what's healthy for you and yours....and how far you will allow him to go taking away your self worth and person. It's not an easy decision by any means and all situations are unique....I will say it is almost as if a weight has been lifted, within a week my self esteem is crazy back (as I don't have the full guilt and constant beat down) and I have clarity....more and more "things" have surfaced with respect to his lies and shady doings since...and yes, that still hurts and yes I still feel guilty and actually miss him. I miss the person he was before he decided it was okay to regress and "not care" about his actions because it was "all the ADD".....but I take a step back and realize who I actually fell in love with...and it wasn't who he's being today, so that other person is in there somewhere and he IS capable of that person....so it angers me to recall this, and that's where I fully belie e it's the PERSON too and there ARE choices. I wish you so well. Be strong. Realize you are worth it.

There comes a time when you

There comes a time when you have to ask yourself...does it really matter why he does it, the most important thing is that it is hurtful to you and causes you pain..and he won't stop doing it.

No matter what the behavior, we all have lines where we can 'accept' so much of a hurtful behavior and sometimes lose some dignity and self respect in the process..or we can refuse to accept behaviors that cut to the core of who we are and what we deserve in life and we can demand changes and be prepared to walk away if we don't get them.

To leave your bed immediately after making love to go pleasure himself to a picture of a stranger is unusual at best. The fact that is is OBVIOUSLY hurtful to you makes it unhealthy for you and your relationship. Amp that up a notch by acknowledging that he knows it hurts you (or does he, have you told him?? or are you 'accomodating his ADD', bless his heart, by not telling him how you feel??) but he does it anyway.

He is messing with your mind on a level that has NOTHING to do with ADD, and everything to do with him just manipulating you in very mean and cruel ways..and your response is to feel bad, question what more you could do, and change everything you can think of to accomodate him and his "ADD".

Please seek help for yourself...before there is nothing left of "yourself". What he is doing is wrong, and even if he has ADD, it is not the cause of everything he's doing. Stop making excuses for him or feeling sorry for him at the expense of your own mere exsistence.

DF's picture

CRIPES!

I need to correct myself.  I had mentioned something in an older post about the only addiction I've succumbed to was internet pornography.  I stand corrected!  I have ADD and up until about a year ago I viewed pictures and movies 3-4 days out of 7.  That's only once a day, not throughout the day.  My wife was uncomfortable with it and I understand why.  I beat back the temptation when it arises rarely these days, but what you all have going on is out of hand.

I've read where there's a compulsive nature attached to our condition and far be it for me to be judgmental, but what on earth are those guys thinking?  I can't possibly see how they would want to engage in conversation with people on those sites.  I really don't understand that.  Before I figured me out ( very recently ), I was oblivious to my wife's attempts to get through to me.  But when in public I never looked at another woman.  Friends and co-workers thought I was strange for it and think it's a joke that I don't like to be touched.  Bottom line is I'm married and I've made my choice and I'm not interested in trolling for chicks.

So with that said.  I'll do my best to give what little perspective I can on a very touchy subject.  I will clarify that I do not go surfing for porn - anymore.  Falling off the wagon once every 3-4 months seems a long ways back and at no time did I ever feel compelled to reach out to anyone online.  This website is the first time I've ever said anything to anyone.

So for many years of believing I was the exact same as everyone else, I've recently learned different.  For years as far back as I can remember I would have trouble going to bed because my mind is always clicking, always got something going on.  My remedy for this has been - "taking care of myself".  It's the one sure fire way for me to fall asleep.  The same can be said for intimacy with my wife and that's the other part of the story......

I have anxiety and rejection issues.  I tend to think they are severe, but as I said I don't go looking for confirmation from other women.  Years of not initiating intimacy with my wife has made her feel unloved.  I got defensive.  Told her it's because I didn't want to bother her knowing she was tired on a work night or that if I would lean in to cuddle, she would always tell me to back off because she gets too hot ( from body heat ).  My wife has the patience of a saint, but I shut down anyway.  Man what I would do for a hug these days.

Any-who.  What the pictures and movies provided me was someone who did not judge me.  I'm not saying my wife judged me, but for every action there is a reaction.  If I touched her and she moved away or would not respond in kind I took it for more than what it was.  I realize now that's just my brain chemistry that's out of whack.

The talking to other women stuff.  I don't know about your situations, but for me I can chalk it up to my anxiety.  Dudes have a natural tendency to "size each other up" - How am I better than that guy?  I'm not alone on this, it's not ADD guys only.  We are providers via generations of man must be hunter.  For me personally, I've always been more at ease talking with women.  I've never met a mother that didn't like me or want me to date their daughters.  Talking to women is very stress free for me.  Maybe it's a need to feel nurtured, don't really know since I haven't seen my father since I was 3 yrs old.

I can't explain your husbands behavior.  I've had mine pretty well in control for quite a while.  I'm not off the rocker ADD, but having just started meds this week I see a difference.  Perhaps, there's more at play as far as your husbands are concerned.  Perhaps seeing a different therapist that can address more compulsive behaviors would help?  I don't really know what's out there and maybe I'm new to the whole ADD(HD) thing, but that just seems excessive.