For the Non-ADD Spouse--How Are You Recovering from Misplaced Blame and Bad-Mouthing from Your ADDer?

My husband was diagnosed with ADD a few months ago, just after our marriage fell apart and we separated. He thinks that a non-ADD specialist therapist and some pills are all he needs to fix his problem, and it's only a "minor" problem at that. So, you could say he's deep in denial. But this isn't exactly rare with ADD husbands, as so many of us know too well.

As far as the implosion of the marriage is concerned, he sees the ADD as a non-issue, and has pinned everything on me. When I mean "everything" this even includes "things that never happened, "things I didn't do or say," and "things he did but doesn't remember properly, so he assumes I did them." I've also been told that all sorts of really horrible things he did (including physical injuries that occurred due to his inattention) he *didn't* do, and that I'm a liar.

This is bad enough, but there's one more level of pain that he's added to this situation.

I've been scapegoated and bad-mouthed by him to his therapist and family (who think he's blameless in everything and give him nothing but positive reinforcement) to the point where the former thinks I'm abusive and the latter stopped speaking to me entirely, based on what he told them. I don't care so much about the therapist, but I used to be close to my in-laws, and this situation has caused me a great deal of pain. It hurts more than I can describe to think that people I love believe I'm a horrible person because they've been handed a fictional account of our marriage. Plus, the reality is that I was the one who was abused, and I went to great lengths of work and sacrifice to try to help my husband and save our marriage (my husband--not so much). So, it's adding insult to injury.

My own therapist, family, and friends know me very well (better than my husband does--he emotionally "checked out" a while ago), and know this situation for what it is. I've been told over and over that I am not at fault here. I've been assured by a couple of ADD specialists with whom I've spoken that his ADD *was* our marriage problem, and that I shouldn't let his spewing make me question myself. But as many of you probably know all too well, when someone very close to you tells you enough times that you're "bad," it does a real number on your psyche--even when you *know* that you're not doing anything at all to warrant the the label.

After a few months of wrestling inwardly with the situation, and crying over the in-law family that I've lost, I've given up on my husband. I don't want to be married to this any longer. I'm actually embarrassed that I put up with as much as I did. My health has suffered tremendously because of problems brought on by my husband's condition, and I cry when I think of what I've given up over the years. But what's done is done, and I'm trying to put myself back together, set my boundaries back in place, and move on.

But how did any of you other non-ADD spouses survive all of this blame and reality warpage? I've been so horribly wounded from being badmouthed and lied about by him, and emotionally abandoned by his family. Did any of you go through the same thing? By this I mean not just getting blamed for every little bad thing in the marriage that you didn't do (and, worse, his ADD *did*), but being abused in absentia to friends, family, and others? It's so much salt in the wound, and I'm having a horrible time healing.