Non-ADD Spouse-how do you move past anger, resentment, regret of many bad years?

Hi everyone-I'm new to the forum. I'm ordering some books and beginning to search for help/treatment after having to diagnose my husband myself (isn't that the way these relationships tend to go??? If it's going to be done, you've got to do it yourself???)

I've spent 14 years arranging and paying for different professionals to treat his issues (depression, anger, sexual dysfunction, "laziness", detachment, complete emotional withdrawal, unemployment, apathy, severe procrastination, etc.) and not one ever suggested ADD. It took the now-famous recent Dr.Phil episode on adult ADD for me to realize precisely what was going on.

My question is, once you've got a diagnosis and there is an explanation, how do you deal with all the regret/resentment of the (many) horrible, insane, sad, lonely, and ridiculously stressful years spent without diagnosis?? Living with this man has sucked every last ounce of life out of me, and I SO resent that for 14 years, I could have none of my needs met (and I fear that future years won't meet any of my relationship needs, either!) and that I didn't have the time, money, space, or energy to do or be what I want. My mental and physical health has been absolutely ravaged, and I've worked myself to the bone to keep things going financially. I feel so angry that 14 years of my life have been lost to this black hole of time, money, and energy.

People may say "there must have been some good times" that I should focus on instead, but I can honestly say there were only times (briefly) that things weren't dire...a week where he actually made some money or didn't berate me constantly as the source of his every problem or bad feeling. Quite literally every day has been a frantic struggle to keep things from falling apart while simultaneously dealing with the negative, apathetic, detached, and angry ADD personality. No-not good times at all. I'm finding it hard not to be angry about all that lost time, and all the sad, lonely, and miserable days I spent wondering if the rest of my life would be that way (and what I had done to deserve it). How do I move past this? And how do I stop being responsible for absolutely everything, so that the next 14 years aren't the same hell?  I know that I have to stop doing everything for him, but what do I stop doing that won't also ruin my life/my kids' lives/our financial security, etc.? Is there honestly any hope of an ADD spouse being able to meet any of the relationship needs of a Non-ADD spouse, or is the future going to be about me getting rid of all expectations and accepting what is?  Is ANYONE out there working through this "post-diagnosis" confusion?