Non-ADD spouse/parent frustrated with ADD spouse....someone please help me to calm down!

It is 1:58 AM and I can not sleep..... I am the non-ADD spouse to a recently diagnosed (within the last year) ADD spouse.  I am in tears as I write this...but let me give a little brief history to paint a clearer picture.

My spouse of 7 years and I have 2 very wonderful sons (ages 3 and 5 months) and an angel baby that we miscarried on 12/4/2008.  Prior to conceiving, my husband expressed his hesitation with 'parenting' infants and felt better as our oldest son got older and able to talk.  Our 3 year old is a bundle of energy and may have inherited his Dad's ADHD, but I chalk it up to being an active toddler who was our only child for the first 2.5 years of his life.  Unbeknownst to him, he was also my 'therapy' after we miscarried his brother or sister at 8.5 weeks. 

My husband has been 'absent' from child rearing unless it is to criticize something that isn't or should be done.  However, he doesn't engage himself nor seems to have the patience needed for raising children.  My husband has only bathe our 3 year old maybe 4 times, he has never gotten up in the middle of the night to feed/soothe either of the boys, he rarely attends Dr's appointments, he doesn't know the names of his 3 year old's friends in school, he doesn't know his teachers, he doesn't know neither of his son's schedules (i.e. feeding, nap etc), and he gets impatient with the littlest task (such as changing diapers). 

I work fulltime, I attend school part-time, and when I am home, I am in 'Mommie' mode as soon as I hit the door.  About 1-2 times a week, I'll work through lunch at work so that I can come home and spend approx 1-2 hours with my husband before being Mommie.  Once our 3 year old was born, I began sleeping in our den, because the baby's crib was/is in our bedroom.  When the baby would awake during the night, I'd use a little flashlight so I wouldn't wake my husband.  Eventually, he began sleeping in his office because he complained that once the baby woke up, he could not go back to sleep.  I don't mind him sleeping in his office because frankly, I do not want to hear the complaining...especially when I am the one changing diapers, soothing a nightmare, changing clothes etc. during the night, and still get up and go to work and school.  My husband?  He'd complain and then stay home from work!!!!

I do not leave the boys alone with their dad for long periods of time.  Why?  Because he drinks daily, he's not as attentive as he should be, and he has no patience with them (only porn and alcohol).  2 weeks ago, I left both boys home to do a little shopping (my husband had not had anything to I thought I'd be some what okay to leave them with their dad).  I was gone for 37 min exactly when I received a frantic call from my husband (with the baby crying in the background), my husband proceeded to tell me that he can not soothe the baby and he's been crying for 45 min.  I hang up, drive back home.  I walk into my bedroom where my 3 year old is watching TV, the TV is loud, my husband is laying across the bed, and my infant son is in his crib (in the same room), laying on his back, crying hysterically.  When I walked to the crib, he was red, sweaty, and his voice was horse from crying so long.  I started to cry as I saw him.  I picked him up and felt that his clothes were drenched in sweat....I was f'ing livid!  I looked at my husband who obviously saw the disdain in my face and said...I tried everything...but at this age (5 months) he should be able to self soothe himself!  I felt sooooo bad.  I felt like a parent who left her child with an obvious child abuser....child neglector.  To add to how horrible I felt, later that night my husband attempted to play with our oldest, our oldest told both of us that he did not like Daddy, I asked why not?  He said because Daddy made him sad.  I was curious....while my husband is in our presence, I asked... how did Daddy make you sad?  My son said...Because Daddy was hollering at 'our baby'.  I said huh?  He continued to say that earlier because 'our baby' wouldn't stop crying Daddy hollered at him to be quite and told him to hush up.  OMG.....I am in tears now..... not only was the baby affected, but so was the 3 year old.

Okay....last night, I call ahead to let my husband know that i will be getting home late, I hear the 3 year old in the back ground hollering, and my husband hollering back at him.  I ask what's wrong and he say's 'the 3 year old' is mad.  I race home because this behavior isn't like my 3 year old.  I get home, my husband is upstairs, my 3 year old is in the dinning room with my mom (who thankfully resides with us....we pay her instead of day care to keep our baby until age 3).  Basically, my Mom does all that my husband should be doing.  Okay....back to the subject:  My 3 year old is red, sweaty and itching from his eczema.  I ask our son what's a nutshell, my husband physically restrained our 3 year old for 20 or so min to 'calm him down'.  I am sooooo hurt.  He tried this in the past and I expressed my opposition to his tactic.  This time, he knew full well that he shouldn't be restraining our son in the manner that he did.  This type of 'corrective' behavior adjustment doesn't work, nor do I want it happening to our son.  So now, I am awake dealing with the fall out.  Our son is having trouble sleeping, his eczema is inflamed, he keeps waking up hollering 'NO DADDY"....

WTF?  What do I do?  I can take anything my husband or his ADD dishes out, but when it comes to our son's?  I do not play this crap!  At all!  If he wants to discipline his sons?  Great....but you can not be an intermittent parent! 

I am sooo hurt..... I haven't spoken to him about it because I first have to calm the hell down!  This is too much.