I have found great solace in all of you here since December and you all continue to amaze me with your support for one another. I separated with my fiance in Aug 2017 while our baby was 6 months old. I was a complete mess and have just started to feel somewhat better about the whole situation but I find myself so angry at him! He is currently undiagnosed and believes that he does not have ADHD and that it is all me. 3 separate counselors asked if he has ever been tested, 1 social worker friend thought he was already dx, a fellow co-worker who is a psychologist and me (nurse) all believe he has ADHD. He went for a few counselling sessions on his own and told me last week that it is really not his priority right now.
Co-parenting with him has been a nightmare some days. He did not offer our 1 year old any milk for 17 hrs. Our son had only sips of fluids and very little to eat as he did not have much appetite the day after his surgery. He told me he didn't know to offer him milk. SERIOUSLY?!?! This is not the first time he has had an overnight with him. To give you a history...I have always been very independent and not the type of woman who needs to be doing everything together. I had my own hobbies, interests and career. He had his. I am an introvert and he an extrovert. He understood that I will only say yes to social events with selective people and he seemed to respect my decision at the time. Fast forward a few months after dating, he wanted to move in with me and his cat. I was a little hesitant at first but I thought hey, you both are committed to each other and you both want a family and at the time I was 35 years old so I took the plunge. He agreed that he would be an equal partner and do his share of the house work and most of all look after his cat and vaccumed every 2 days as I had minor allergies. I ended up reminding him all the time because he forgot. This turned to nagging and me suffering with allergies. He would agree to do chores but then forget. He needed to constantly be talking to someone on the phone or listen to podcasts while doing the dishes (not a problem until we had our son and then he could not hear him cry and he would expect me to look after him unless I was in the shower). He could never sit still and was always shaking his leg or needing to go for a walk even after going to the gym.
While I was in labor and in the middle of pushing, he chatted with a student paramedic who was in the room having a learning opportunity instead of focusing on me. He need toto know where she took her training, where she was from, how did she like school, on and on. He had 2 weeks off of work after our son was born and decided to go back after the 1st week and left me at home recovering with an episiotomy, then an infection which took 3 rounds of antibiotics to clear up. I nursed and pumped every 3-4 hrs while trying to build our new house and manage that without his help. He showed very little interest in doing anything with the house and told me he trusted my taste (this was going to be our forever house btw). He would go out with his buddies for breakfasts in the morning or drinks with his friends, and never ensure that I was ok or fed before he left. He would never wake up early to take care of our son unless I made him. I was exhausted trying to keep it all together and every time I asked for his help, he would just tell me he could just have his mother come and stay with us even though I told him I needed him and not his mom. He asked for sex frequently and could not understand why I was not interested even though 3 months have gone by and I was still uncomfortable or in pain. I explained my body was healing and I was constantly being attached to our son and I had no desire which was very normal. I was also exhausted by this point. Dinner was not eaten unless his phone was checked every 5 mins even though just the other day, we agreed no phones at the dinner table. He always have this glazed look in his eyes whenever I tried to tell him something. He needed constant validation of how great of a dad he was and for also adulting, eg. doing his hair, brushing his teeth, ironing his clothes. It got to a point where I could not handle it. He was self-centered and only thought about himself. Only did what was convenient for him.
Less than 3 months after our separation, I found out he was dating and slept with 3 other women while I spent that time figuring out if I had PPD, finishing our house and looking after my 6 month old. He did not understood why I was upset and angry with him because after all, he moved out. He would also not tell people we were separated which I found odd because he was dating.So according to most of his friends and co-workers, we were still together. He would forget a lot of details of past conversations and deny that he'd agreed to something. It was like it never happened. My biggest complaint was always feeling not heard or seen and having to yell or wear to be heard. This was when our counselor asked him if he had ever been tested for ADHD.
Nevertheless, I have been seeking counseling and trying to work through my anger but I feel so hurt, betrayed and not seen. How can I move past the anger as well?