Non ADHD -happy wife; our struggles, progress & hope

I'm new here! Glad to find this group! I'm a non ADHD spouse. Six years of marriage. All was great before the wedding. I started to think that something was wrong with him after our sexless honey moon. He was charming and loving but no sex desire. My first year of marriage  was difficult, (before marriage everything was good). I felt like I was more like his mom like his wife. We had almost the same struggles like you all here.  I was so frustrated and depressed.  I wanted to go for counseling, but he wasn't agree. Until one day that he open his heart and  told me that was not my fault. That he felt that something was wrong with him and he did not know what it was , he was frustrated too. He went to a physiatrist, he diagnosed ADHD. A few months later, my husband did not see any improvement with the medications and quitted them. Later, he went to a psychologist who confirmed the diagnosed and encouraged him to visit a therapist . We went together, the therapist confirmed again the ADHD ,everything was good until he felt uncomfortable when she started to talk about the sex part and he quitted the therapy sessions too. I was so mad and tired about him quitting the help. I felt that he did not care so much about us. I was exhausted. Then, I started to learn more about the ADHD and I let him know all what I have learned. That made him feel motivated to give the extra mile to work this together.That helped us to understand better his behavior and moods. I learned how to couch him and since then we work as a team in our marriage. Dr. Hallowell website helped us a lot. My husband is more focus since he is on fish oil supplements. We also noticed that since we have our lovely dog, we feel less stressed, the dog is the kid that we don't have, and he is like a therapy for us. Also, my husband changed his job for one that allow him to travel and work in different places with different people and  projects, what help him to avoid the quitting and to get tired of the same job. I had to quit my job in order that we can travel and live together.  Now he feels happy with his job, he deals better with his ADHD, our marriage is solid, we love each other, we can not imagine this life without each other. And although he still without sex drive , I know is not because he does not love me,  he also went to an urologist, the doctor did not find anything wrong, so the ADHD has something to do with that. He feels  frustrated because he really want to satisfied me as a woman. But our true  love and happiness is more than that. It's not easy for me, I have my sexual needs, but through this  years I have learned how to deal with my feelings. I keep hope that someday his sexual drive is going to improve too. I feel good to be part of this forum. It is like a group therapy, sharing our experiences, is a great support.  Melissa Orlov blog is very helpful. I did read the free chapters of her book and I felt identified with her, I felt inspiring and motivated and wanted to read more!! I went online and bought her book. I can't wait to have it in my hands and read it and use the tools  that she provide us. It make me feel good to know that what she wrote is based in her successful experience, personal struggles,  history and professional knowledge  . That she is more than a professional writing a book , is a person that has been in our shoes. I feel motivated by her and by all of you in this forum, to keep working in my ADHD functional marriage. There is always space to hope, to improve, to achieve...My advice is to learned about the condition, understand it, work together as a team, make some sacrifices and changes in your live to keep functional, are worth. That worked for us and we keep working on it.  We're proud to say that we have a happy and functional marriage. Good luck everyone! Wishing you the best! Thanks to Melissa Orlov, her husband and Dr. Hollowell!!!

Quote

" Positive thoughts are not enough. There have to be positive feelings and positive actions." 

Excited

Excited that finally I got Orlov's book!! I know that is going to be a great tool to learn more and  keep us improving. 

The ADHD Effect on Marriage

I'm reading the book. So far I love it. Is like a mirror of what we was struggling and feeling at the beginning of our marriage. We learned this during the time and process in a hard way. This is the book that we needed at that time.  But I'm glad to read it now, because while I'm reading I can tell that's true, we went through this, we were lucky to be able to find ourselves, to understand and re connect to each other. So bad that our psychiatric and sexual therapist did not guide us trough this as the book explains and suggests. Basically, after we did our own research and read more about it, was when we was able to understand and cope with this in a better way.   I'm on page 45 only and I feel excited to continue reading it. I already know that this book is going to be a great tool of knowledge to keep improving our marriage. Oh, the description of the hyperfocus  courtship by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt that Orlov's shared with us in the book it's just , as she said, the best description! I liked it. My husband is not a good reader, he gets distracted  and bored easily, but he wants me to tell him everything that I have read and found helpful for us. That's great!

Thanks for the inspiration!

Hi Mara, 

I'm new to this site as of a week ago. Reading your post has really hit home for me. Many of the things you've gone through are what we're experiencing right now. I just got married a few months ago and my husband's ADD has gotten worse. It started to get bad before the wedding, but I figured his nerves and excitement were part of the cause. He's told me from the beginning that he had ADD, but I always brushed it off, not really understanding how it could affect us. Our sex life is a big part of it. We've maybe had sex 5 times this year. And that's only because I've initiated it. He tells me I'm gorgeous and makes me feel beautiful. He tells me how much he loves me and I know it to be true, we just never have sex. I'm so lonely. How do you do it? I'm still fairly young and want to have sex more now than I did in my early 20's.  I feel like I'm going crazy because he blames me for everything that's gone wrong. I know that's it's not just me. I found this website late one night on Google and was desperate to find any answers I could. I just bought Melissa's book and I've already related to her in the first 7 pages. I hope it helps us. If you have any other tips or advice, I would greatly appreciate it! 

For me, meds, getting off the

For me, meds, getting off the pill (not an issue for your husband), and getting over hangups from upbringing were key. Medication opened the door. Now I realize that I actually have a crazy high sex drive (even before meds kick in). I am ADHD combined type (hyperactive and inattentive). Have heard it is the inattentives who have the lower drive; not sure if there is any science behind that. Well, now that I am ready anytime, my husband is not, at least partly due to resentments of the past, years of little sex. So I know how you feel, too.