Non-ADHD husband needing help

Hello.  First time here.  I have been married for 11 years but the last four have been really rocky.  I was deployed from 2008-2009. When I returned I felt more lonely and isolated.  Wife would constantly spending less time with me and more time with friends.  I told her I wanted to go to Vegas for years and when I returned she went with her friends. She constantly says I am angry and she is tired of me complaining about her lateness, money, intimacy , and not cleaning.  We were in. Counseling which didn't work.   She had never told me or the counselor about the ADHD until the counselor gave up.  All these years I was clueless.  Now she is on meds but I feel constantly ignored and left out.   She is always hanging out and i am sure her friends dont know or understand about her adhd. How do I get her to see she is hurting me?

skazm's picture


Try giving compliments.  Real ones.  Without bringing up the past, like nothing like wow, you were so messy before and look at you now.  And chocolate.  And doing stuff together that doesn't involve nagging.

As a woman w ADHD I can tell you if you're constantly nagging her, making her feel bad/stupid then she will run away, even if your intent in nagging isn't to make her feel less of a person.  Your frustration is understandable, but don't let it be about your feelings.   It's not your problem re: her friends knowing about her ADHD and they may be an escape from her what seems to obviously be self-perceived defectiveness.  Try to show her you think she is a valid and awesome person even with ADHD, which is even part of why you fell for her (if you have been reading up on it, I'm sure you know the good qualities of it)

Maybe write her a letter explaining your feelings and how you would have treated her differently, but that you want to work together through this?
  Tell her this, straight out.  If she rejects you, it's no worse than what is happening now, and you can go live your life.

And G-d bless you for protecting this country.  


oh man, I didn't see how old this post was... hope things worked out well

Good luck

I agree.

I too have ADHD. It wasn't until my non-ADHD husband told me we were "roommates" that I was really able to take a look at myself. The things that people with ADHD do are NOT intentional. I did tell my husband that I wanted someone to love me for ME, and not who he thought I should be. So I agree, compliments, but she also needs to recongnize her bad behaviors, and take responsibility. I did, and now I try to think about what I am going to say, before I say something. I try to recognize the things that I had self compromised for so long. Have you read up on ADHD, and found ways to help her? Try giving her one of Dr. hallowells books to read, if she reads it, great, and if not.......she may be in denial. I have been on meds for about 4 years now. My husband thinks I take them for the "weight loss", but he really doesn't understand I take them to focus, pay attention, listen (with out interrupting- for the most part), and I feel "normal" when I take them. That may sound AWEFUL, but I am in college right now, and focus so well with my meds. So, try to understand the diagnosis, and know that the things we do are NOT intended to hurt anyone (for me at least, and I hope a lot of people on here agree), we simply don't know that our behaviors are hurting anyone. Our brains are wired different. It's not an excuse, but unti you are educated on something, can you really help? And if you have read up on ADHD, maybe going to a counselor who does deal with it (or even a psychiatrist)would help. I would have thought that the counselor you saw would have detected something, but maybe not. I wasn't there, so I can't judge. Good luck too you. Please don't give up on her!