Non ADHD Husband vs ADHD Wife

Hello all. Wish i had found this site sooner. Even if, i am not sure it would have made a difference. This does seem therapeutic putting into words my struggles with my wife. About my wife... Genuinely a giving, hard working, quirky, sometimes loving, child like woman whom "in the beginning" i was madly in love with. Me, i am the Epmath, the Savior, the do everything to avoid the inevitable EXPLOSIVE, MANIC episodes that have become more and more frequent over time. My wife and i are both 56... Same generation, Same music, Same TV shows, We "click".. Both previously married to "cheating" spouses.. (Her X husband w her friend and next door neighbor, My X wife with younger man during one of my Deployments to Afghanistan) Yes, i am Military, ARMY, 34 yrs... Regimented, Focused, Reliable, almost robotic. I was good for her (her words) in the beginning. I helped her FOCUS and educated myself regarding her ADHD. We dated for approx 9 yrs (off/on roller coaster) We married in 2017, so 4 years into this and i have recently filed for Divorce (its sad) but i am at a point ot where i can no longer help her as she is unwilling to acknowledge and get help for herself. She is often times Angry, i mean, uncontrollable to where she is breaking s*** in our home. Tantrums, almost child like for the smallest things. Getting confrontational with complete strangers at stores ( and bragging about it). She is a professional at work, meaning same industry (Commercial Insurance) for 30 yrs!! Recent promotion, 12% increase in pay, more responsibilities, stress level has PEAKED.. No children between us. All of ours are grown. She has always been very good to my kids and i hers ( all are now adults). I recently brought up, inquired as to whether or not she had discussed with her doc ( whom she speaks with monthly for her Adderall) about her more frequent MANIC episodes.. This sent her into a rage, along with her not being able to find her bra, panties,.. Hair scrungie, or shoes and she tore through the house like a mad woman... Leaving a path of clothes from her drawer throughout bedroom. Cursing, Yelling, walking around the house like Chicken little and the world is ending as i calmly find all of the above mentioned items for her and instead of saying thanks babe ( as she used to do) it is WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME SOONER ASSHOLE! In a sense, i have created that.... As she relies on me for everything. She leaves her work computer in car, i retrieve it and charge for the night.. I wake her up every morning at 0730 and finally after a few times (every 15min) she is up by 0830.. I log her into her computer for work... I clean up daily, change toilet paper rolls, pay bills, take out trash, shop for groceries, take care of dinner, oh and i also have a FT job other than my retirement from Military (Regional Sales for Radiology company).. She resents that i often work from home and she runs a team of adjusters whom she often has to do their jobs on top of hers. she is a hard worker, no doubt... We do very well... But, i am unappreciated... Her grandkids, i treat as my own... She sees them often along with her adult kids.. All of my kids... Military... I get to see them every now and again.. and when i do... There is always some sort of drama right before they come to visit...It pisses me off... and has caused my kids not to come around as much...and they have noticed my unhappiness, my withdrawal, my depression. This ADHD thing has taken its toll... Am i rambling...? I have read a lot of posts on this forum that i can truly relate to, a lot of great advice that has reinforced my decision to end this marriage and focus on myself... It is NOT easy... As i know the trauma my wife suffered in her household as a child, adolescent.. Of her former husband who cheated on her, I am on this emotional roller coaster myself because i LOVE her... and CARE for her very much and KNOW that she cannot help these behaviors.. Nor can I... Her kids often tell me "You deserve a medal" for being with our mother... At times she can be the most caring person, She has a hard candy shell on the outside, yet sweet and soft on the inside.. I feel as though she has not been truthful about her DX.. and perhaps she has Bi polar disorder.. Again, i don't judge.. But if i bring anything up i am a CRUEL, TERRIBLE MAN.. I recently told her she was acting like her Schizophrenic nephew during one of her episodes. She was ANGRY and SAD that i would say that.. But she took it out of context... I wasn't being mean, judgemental, i was trying to make her see what she was doing. 

I think i will digress for now and allow you all to provide some feedback... Sorry for the rambling... It is a difficult time for me and her... thanks in advance.