I am a female non-ADHD partner who, within the last few days, discovered a major deception by my ADHD partner. Basically, he purchased a house and planned down to the last detail how to cover-up the purchase and move into it, in order to move out of our home before I would even realize what was happening.
It is very fortunate that during the two month period of deception, I had discovered the book, The ADHD Effect In Marriage and had read it, recognized our downward spiral and given a copy to my partner. Until I read this book, I had no idea how much ADHD was affecting him and how much it was affecting me, although I was very unhappy and frustrated.
My partner read it and decided that his decision to move out was at least partly affected by my reaction to his own behavior and that he ought to confess to me. At the time he thought I would throw him out as soon as I knew. But I did not. Even though I am deeply hurt, the book, which we fit very closely, helped me to see that I too had played a part in his unhappiness.
He has made steps to see a psychiatrist with specialty in ADHD about his medication. Even though he has been taking Ritalin, his dose has not been adjusted for over 5 years. I am in the process of locating a counselor that I can work with to help me start the recovery and how I can adjust my behavior.
We are hopefully moving forwards away from the pain, but I am still haunted by his clever and pre-meditated deception and concerned about whether I will be able to forgive it. It is particularly hurtful because I spent the last four years financially supporting him whilst he went back to school to become a nurse. We are both in our 50s and it was a major effort for me, plus I rarely saw him as he was so hyper-focused on going to school. He recently started work as a nurse and now has an income. He is now totally focused on that job. It feels suspiciously as though I was used up until the point that he could afford to purchase his own home, although he says it is much deeper than that. Also, he is not coping too well in his new nursing job as he is having a lot of difficulty with time management and is concerned that he may not be kept on. I believe this may be exacerbating his ADHD symptoms, but not sure.
Can anyone shed any light on the deception? Can ADHD be an excuse for such deception? Would taking on this new stressful job and the problems that go with it, lead him to just want to escape everything? He says that is how he felt and he became obsessed with getting his own place and didn't see any hope for us. However, he still managed to get a mortgage, get a new roof put on the place and the floors re-polished! Is it possible he could really have been RUNNING or is this a real deception and a part of his normal character? There have been some minor deceptions before - more conflict avoidance - but nothing to this magnitude.
Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for your comments.