Hi, I'm really hoping someone can shed some light on my current situation with an undiagnosed ADHD partner. We're only dating and have been seeing each other for just under a year. I don't have ADHD and had no experience of it before. It took me 6 months of utter confusion to work out that the man I've been seeing has ADHD. I felt like I was going mad. I haven't told him I think he has ADHD as he doesn't seem to ever want to talk about anything problematic and as he is also dyslexic I have a feeling that he has had years of being criticised and has learnt to ignore or bury anything which might be perceived as negative about himself. We're both in our late forties and he has never been married. Basically, I have to do all the work and be the leader in the relationship. He has been without a phone for about 3 months and so he asks me to just pop round when I can. That would be fine, however on one occasion I popped round to see him and after half an hour he asked me if I had something to do that day because he had to do something for a friend,something he could have done any time and for someone he sees more than me. I don't go round there more than a couple of times a week so I don't feel like we see each other much anyway. So, feeling hurt I didn't go to see him for over a week and he made no attempt to see me in that time. When I finally saw him I told him I didn't want to go round to see him only to find that he didn't want me there but he assured me I could see him any time, or to be more precise he said I could pop round for half an hour whenever I wanted. So, still feeling hurt I did exactly that and each time I went round I promptly left as soon as I could because I don't want to feel like I'm not wanted there. About the second or third time I did it he asked me if he'd see me sometime later that week so I said I could come Saturday night. That was last night. I had been there a couple of hours when we had sex (that doesn't happen frequently enough for me either) and after a bit of a cuddle he got up to go downstairs and I shortly followed. He seems to sleep downstairs on the sofa a lot and when I went down he beckoned me to lie down with him but I needed the loo and by the time I'd got back he was sat up looking moody as though he wanted me to go and he'd put away the cover and a pillow that he'd been using on the sofa. I felt awkward then, feeling like he didn't want me there and I then put on my jacket but only because I was cold, but he was very quick to ask me if I wanted to go. I ended up going, dreading that I would otherwise be out staying my welcome.
i don't want this to keep happening as I'm feeling more and more insecure by the day. Does anyone have any idea if this is ADHD behaviour or just disinterest and he's stringing me along. How do i talk to him about it without him just making out everything is ok and dismissing my feelings. I care about him a lot and otherwise love being with him, but I'm now feeling afraid of going to see him in case he wants me to go again.
Welcome:)
Submitted by Zapp10 on
You are asking very legitimate questions.......and you already know the answers.
You say you are feeling more insecure by the day......your gut is telling you he doesn't "need" you but you "need" him....why?
If it is ADD are you are willing to live like this? IF it is ADD he needs to BELIEVE it and ACTIVELY pursue treatment. He has to do this ON HIS OWN. YOU cannot "help". Not a "good" basis for a "relationship" IF anything he should be pursuing you and making you feel like the BEST thing that ever happened to him( It's called hyperfocus with ADD)
But MOST of all...he is dismissive of your feelings? How crappy does that make you feel? And you "love being with him"? You are looking for something you are missing in yourself/life and "settling" for an "empty" relationship is NOT the answer.
Please, value yourself first. If you are not sure of this relationship.....that is a RED FLAG to you.
No offense, but you may be looking for "intimacy" through sex and men aren't exactly wired that way. He's getting what he wants through NO EFFORT and you think you are "connecting" by having sex? Please please look within yourself and place your "values" as a priority........and HE should be NOWHERE on that list.
Your questions are not about him......
Please continue to post....it is "freeing" to express your thoughts whether right or wrong(and we are all a little of both) and can pave the way to growing a great....you:-)
Oh gosh... while the
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh gosh... while the situational circumstance is slightly different - it sure is almost exactly what my "courtship" was like with my current husband.
I know you are hurting, and confused, but honestly, it doesn't get better from what I can tell unless HE makes the effort. What I would tell you is this. Stop. Stop all of it, and if he comes back and asks why you arent coming around, let him know that the behavior is not tolorable and that if he wants to be with you then he needs to make the effort. He either will or wont, and you will have your answer.
But to me, it sounds like ADHD and maybe some other things going on....and if I had a choice to go back in time? I would run away as fast as I could. And that is the cold honest truth. I am in the process of changing my life after 7 years of *mostly* that kind of behavior with small spurts of "trying / putting in effort".... And in the end? After me working with an accepting everything, he tells me that *he* doesnt know if he wants to be married anymore because when he is in a bad mood he doesnt see how things can get better due to his own issues, or if something comes up that has to be addressed like his constant lying, but when he is in a good mood he thinks things are ok and will be fine. This means depending on his MOOD he does or doesn't love me as his wife. And he doesnt know if he wants to work on things (which to him means "thinking about things" but not doing actions). So here I am, left behind, holding the bag - with him expecting me to pretend we are a happily married couple (because if he gets in a bad mood that means he will not want to be married anymore - so there fore he has all the control in the relationship and he knows that I have worked on things in the past and accepted things in the past I should NOT have).
Really think long and hard about how things have been. Because more than likely - it will NOT get better. Living together will not change the apathy, the inattention, the lack of focus or treating you with any sort of priority. Marriage wont suddenly make him see you as something to value and cherish. Having children with him will not catapult him into a feeling of having love towards you and respect towards you. That feeling you have that maybe you really arent wanted there? It doesnt go away, and it just gets worse because it FEELs worse as time goes by and you realize you didnt matter then, and you dont matter now.... save for those passing moments when your presence is even understood by him.
My husband and I have known each other for more than 25 years. We were the greatest of friends, lost touch with each other, and then found each other again thanks to social media. We started reconnecting, fell in love and thats all she wrote. Hyperfocus, hours of calls a day, hundreds of texts etc... swept me off my feet with talk of what our future would look like. Went on for MONTHS. The first time I went to visit him (I lived in another state) that first night was magical and perfect. The next day seemed off - but we had so much going on that I brushed it off. The 2nd morning, we woke up early, and were in the living room. I asked him to sit next to me - and he wouldn't. Said he was "stuck" in his chair. Ok... weird, and I felt so awkward and uncomfortable that I decided right then and there I was leaving. Even though we had plans to spend the day together, I could not stand it for even another minute so I started getting up to leave. As soon as he realized I was out the door - he changed tactics and it was suddenly - dont you want to go have breakfast (at his favorite restaurant). So I was thinking ok, maybe he just got a weird vibe for a while and is trying to redirect things to have a nice day......... We have breakfast and as soon as that was done... it was back to the weirdness...and looking back - i think he just wanted to go have breakfast at his favorite restaurant and I was the way to get it. I left right after that.
And the hours of phone calls stopped, the constant texting and emails stopped. In fact, went from like 60 in a day to 3, went from 4-5 hours of talking a day to a combination of 4-5 minutes a day.. And thats how it stayed. I didnt even want to go back to see him, but I had made promises to his kid, and his mother (both who I absolutely ADORE and love like you cant even believe). All the future talk stopped etc. It was like a nightmare, and I stuck it out because he would "tell" me that he loved me, and wanted me in his life, but his actions told me different. And 7 years later, I wish with all my heart I would have used my brain and payed attention to those actions instead of letting those words spin fairy tales in my head. This relationship has cost me more than you could possibly being to imagine. Not just financially (though hundreds of thousands of dollars up in smoke certainly is an apt description), but mentally - this relationship has cost me part of my soul.
I used to be confident, felt beautiful for who I was, happy and content - even living on my own with out "romantic interest". I have a great career, and fantastic friends and a solid love for my family. I lost almost all of that. I hate what I see in the mirror - stress has aged me and destroyed me like you would not believe physically. I hate the bitter, angry person I have become. I hate that most of what I think about all day is the hurt he has caused me, and I hate that I had to spend 7 years crushing my own instinct, and trying to trick myself into believe his constant lies - KNOWING what I was doing, but to keep the peace. I hate that I feel like I should be monitoring his every move since I know he wont tell me the truth - I dont, but the gut feeling that something is going on is near constant and I have to push that down real far just to function. I do have to monitor my network as he didnt care what harm he could have done me in the past (I work in IT, and he was on porn sites and hookup sites with no virus protection...) so we were getting hammered on my router. And while he hasnt done that for a long time, the damage to my heart and mind was done.
I worked very hard to let go of all that resentment and anger, and worked hard on the things our therapist had us do so that I COULD be a good wife, and a better person. But he didnt do his part you see. He knows better than everyone else, and he thinks he is broken (an excuse for bad behavior - like a child who has no control of himself). So getting help for himself? He wont even really read a short article, beacuse HE is thinking about it - and HE wont do the work required even though it could change his life for the better.
I too thought things would change. And they did - but it was me who changed. I lost so much that was good about my life and myself for someone who didnt value it or me.
I went on and on there to show you that while it would be hard, and it will hurt, the damage that can happen to YOU if you DONT walk away will be significant. This doesn't mean I think its hopeless- but personally - and this is TOTALLY my opinion, if you dont set the standard NOW, you will end up like me... alone, worse for wear, and having to rebuild a life while mourning the fairy tale you thought was making your dreams come true. Have a heart to heart talk with him about the situation. Talk to him about what you suspect. Ask him if its something he is willing to work on or get checked out. Do it from a place of love, and he might be one of the ones who have an epiphany and put in the effort and become successful (because he clearly isnt from what you said). If he doesnt, and refuses to even consider it? Run. Run for the hills and dont look back. Because he will take you down with him.
I am really sorry that you are in this situation. Fewer things are as heartbreaking. But you will find strength in you that you didnt even know you had.
2 Pieces of Advice
Submitted by SG on
Hey there, sorry to hear of your turmoil. I too had a bit of a similar experience with my now husband who only until recently was diagnosed with ADHD. I found myself dumbfounded very often at the beginning. Wondering if he really wanted to be with me etc. So I took the advice of my friend and "left him alone to work it out" after that period his attitude changed towards me. I think he just needed that time to reflect on what he really wanted. After that his commitment level was very different. Maybe that would be a good place to start, if he really wants to be with you he will make the effort to be apart of your life, if not, then you are better off! Loving someone with ADHD is very hard. It took at least a year to get my husband to actually go in and get diagnosed. I started by telling im about a friend who had ADHD and her symptoms. It was him who made the connection to his own traits. Then I left it be for a month before I brought her up again. He asked me "well what can they[doctors] do for you?" I spoke about various forms of treatment and that you can go to your Doctor for a diagnosis or referral. Then it got hard. His symptoms go worse (as he decided on his own to quit drinking which incidentally suppresses some symptoms of ADHD and is often a coping mechanism). I would often bring it up to him about going to get assessed or getting help, that he didn't have to live like this etc. That just angered him and he would often say I was "always trying to find something wrong with him" and that there was "nothing wrong with him and that he would never go to the Doctor". I had printed out resources for him and left them strategically around the house. Short stuff, because he couldn't read anything for very long due to his lowered attention. He did read it though. I think he slowly began to believe he had it too, but that is definitely a hard pill to swallow and it took almost 8-9 months for him to go in to see a doctor. Unfortunately for him, the only reason he went in was because he began having problems at work and he was basically forced to. Again though, it all worked out and in the end he asked me to accompany him to the doctors and looked for my support when he finally admitted it to himself.
Summary: If he really wants to be with you, he will be there with you. Secondly, he needs to be the one to decide to go for the diagnosis, we can only be there to support. Good luck!