I need some help from the non-ADHD partners to understand my husband. He is so angry and bitter. We have been together for 18 years, and I started meds 10 years ago. I only started therapy 6 months ago when I realized I needed help for my anxiety related to his pronouncement that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to divorce when the kids were older. In spite of the changes I've made, he continues to vacillate on whether I've actually made any progress (You never change!/Why didn't you make these changes 10 years ago? I don't love you anymore!/I love you. If I didn't, why would I still be here?) This part, at least, has less to do with me than him. I've called him "Hamlet" (mostly in my head) since the beginning of our relationship about things both great and small. Very indecisive about emotional matters, and admits he lets his strongest emotion at the moment drive the bus, and then feels that emotion even more, because he "gives in" to it.
He tells me he's 90% angry about the present, that I'm not a psychologist, and I'm wrong that he's still mostly bitter about the past. However, a couple of days ago, when I cleaned the house, I also continued my task this summer of taking 1 closet/area of the house at a time and purge it of things we don't need. 6 kitchen bags of Goodwill materials, swept the garage, tidied all the rooms in the house, repaired 2 bookcases, and did several loads of laundry. Oh, and I just remembered that I put most everything away from my children's 4 day trip to the grandparents. He said nothing about it when he got home, BUT the second after both kids were in bed that night, he immediately said with a scowl on his face, "MAKE SURE YOU PUT AWAY _______'S MEDICATION BACK WHERE IT BELONGS. DO IT TONIGHT." I busted my a** all day and got a lot accomplished, and he still talks to me like I'm a child. Though it is not one of my chores, I would have done it. However, I was really annoyed about how he asked me, and initially responded with, "You could do it. It's not actually one of my chores." I
I ultimately ended up doing it, because it wasn't a big deal, and I don't want to make choices based on his anger. I keep telling him, I don't need an "atta girl," but if I'm not going to get any consistent acknowledgment, at least don't be a J.A. to me and treat me like I don't do anything, because that's obviously not true. I feel like his lingering resentment of me influences how he both views me and treats me, and his own emotional baggage (chronic indecisiveness re: me which he refuses to acknowledge, depression, hurt from his Dad leaving for years after divorce, and the pain of watching his mother/step-father fight constantly) has made our marriage impossible. He has told me as recently as today that I have had "years" to get my crap together and now it's "too late." Does this sound like someone who is living in the present? How do I deal with this? I've addressed it and it makes him angrier because he says I'm wrong, yet his actions say otherwise. His emotional indecisiveness alone is a major issue, never mind all his other issues plus mine. I'm so frustrated from constantly trying and getting NOTHING (consistent) in return. He used to say that I would fight and fight before eventually apologizing and that if I only apologized, it wouldn't get to the fight stage. Now when I'm wrong, I apologize much sooner, if not immediately. He acknowledges this, but now HE can't drop it. I apologize, and he uses that as an opportunity to really light into me.
The man I loved is in there somewhere, but I can't find him, and I don't know if I ever will again. His depression and anger have a stranglehold. I don't even know if he WANTS to get better, because he, by his own admission, loves to be a "martyr." Yet, I know he hates living this way.