My ADHD husband and I have been in counseling together for several months now, and are working to get our marriage into a better place. We have already seen real progress, though we do have a long way to go. (At what point does it start to get easier.. six months? a year?)
We are both dealing with a lot of hurt and anger, and I am trying to take responsibility for my part in our issues, but I am starting to feel like I'm being unfairly villainized in his memory of our life together all these years.
To hear him tell it, I had everything my way for over a decade, not caring for what he wanted at all. It's true that I be oblivious and pushy, but some of my getting my way was because A.) I was the person taking care of things and making plans because he didn't, and B.) he didn't communicate to me that something was important to him or he was truly upset about it. He says it was easier for him to just let me have my way instead of arguing about it. I see that point, and he's not wrong... however instead of taking the time and making the effort to really communicate this to me, he just disengaged from our marriage. We were disconnected for years, though we still did things together and played the part of a happy family, we were broken and I didn't even realize it until it was almost too late.
My husband has a million relatively small things that have built up into powerful resentment over the years, and now every little thing is symbolic, a type of power play. I feel like I have to watch every tiny little thing, and let him have his way. It's good for me to learn to choose my battles, and walk away from most small things, but it's at the point now that I'm wondering if in his mind I have to let him get his way every single time now to make up for all those years he felt his preferences were ignored.
Our counseling sessions have been mostly focused on some significant bad behaviors on his end, betrayals that I am working to forgive and move past so we can keep our family together. I understand that things don't happen in a vacuum, and I don't want him to think that I don't take responsibility for my part, but I think he is still in a bit of denial about how much of this is on him... his unmanaged ADHD symptoms (hyper focus on work, not dependable, no time management, irritability), his lack of communication, his lying, his detachment from his wife. He just didn't even try, and the only reason we are working on this now is because I pushed it and forced the issue after a potentially relationship-ending betrayal.
I have not been perfect, but I have kept it together and been the steady one for a long time. I am deserving of a husband that makes me feel loved and cared for more than he makes me feel like an annoyance or inconvenience. He says he loves me, he says he will do better, and he has started to show me with actions as well as words, but I am still uneasy that he seems to think the blame of our issues is shared 50/50 when the objective reality is a very uneven split. I don't believe I was the monster he's making me out to be, and it hurts that he remembers things that way.