I am a 40 year old male that was diagnosed (family physician) with ADD earlier this year. I just recently was officially diagnosed through an ADHD psychologist. I have been on meds for several months. Unfortunately I did not do much research when I was initially diagnosed and figured the meds would take care of it. This created every one of the marital patterns Melissa describes in her book on both myself and wife's part. They have been present of course since before I was diagnosed but not recognized or dealt with at all.
Fast forward to 06/11/2013 (our 2nd wedding anniversary) when I discovered texts that left no doubt my non-ADHD wife was having an affair with another woman from her work. Suddenly all the signs made since. All the "unconscious" gut feelings something was wrong. She ended the affair and has cut all contact with the other woman and we have tried to begin healing. She tried finding another job over the summer (she's a teacher) but was unsuccessful and has now had to go back to the same job.
I am seeking the proper therapy and medication through ADHD specialists now and beginning the learning process of what the effects have been on me as an adult that's grown up with undiagnosed ADD. From what I've learned so far, here is where I feel I am getting stuck.
1) Hyperfocusing on the details, timelines and overall the affair. My wife deleted most all evidence from her email/phone, etc. The issue is I am somewhat of a digital forensics expert and can/have recovered data up to a specific date. I know reading all the texts can/is harmful. I have read some already and they are hard to forget but my hyperfocus is not letting it go. I have gone so far as to physical pack away the computer the data is on and it still "calls" to me so forcefully it's hard not to unpack it. IS there a way to turn this off or train my brina to focus on something else?
2) Learning how much my ADD contributed to the environment in our marriage has been and extremely painful process. I knew I spent too much time 'playing' but I also thought I was doing a much better job of managing it. I also didnt relaize how this left my wife feeling. I can only get a few paragraphs at a time in of Melissa's book because of the pain I feel. I logically know her choices are her own and she has said as much and taken responsibility for them, but I am stuck on blaming myself for her choices.
3) Trust - While trust in any case of an affair is hard to regain/earn, I have been betrayed or given up on so much in my life that it's hard to trust anyone even after a small betrayal or hurt let alone something of this scale. I want to forgive and try and make things better but this has proven so difficult. I've read it takes an average of 2 years to recover from an affair and I fear dealing with my ADD and trying to recover from an affair will break me more than I already am.
Are there any words of wisdom or advice from others experience? Does it get better? Can you get past it?
Thanks in advance.