Non-adhd spouse uses adhd as excuse to be hateful

So I looked for quite awhile and didn't find this topic.  I thought if I am dealing with this so is someone else.  I have adhd and my wife does not.  Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty of anger and other issues to resolve myself.  However, I don't understand why my spouse gets mad and frustrated with me all the time but its "okay" because my actions "made" her frustrated or angry.  If I want an apology I have to ask or demand it because she thinks she doesn't have to.  She acts like I can't get angry but when she does I can't say anything because I "made" her angry.  I just want things to be better.  I know they are rough and there is a lot of work to do on both sides of this marriage.  I JUST WANT BETTER!!!! any suggestions? Thanks,

My husband's actions over the

My husband's actions over the past 6 years have made me the most angry, bitter, resentful person that I've ever met. Do I have a choice on how to act and react to him, his decisions, his actions, his inactions, etc? Yes. Do you become insane after years of being frustrated over the same exact topics? Yes. I'm not saying she is right in being angry all the time. What actions are making her angry? Do you love her? Does her happiness mean anything to you? If someone reveals to you things that seriously bother them that deeply, you have to acknowledge her feelings or she will like almost all other non-adhd spouses feel ignored, betrayed, unloved, disrespected, resentful, exhausted and angry. What actions are you referring to and what can you do to help the situation? Anger only gets worse when it feels like no one cares what made you gradually SO angry. I know I didn't start of angry the first 10 times I brought certain actions to my ADD husband's attention (over spending, lack of planning, being late to work and getting fired, etc etc) Good luck. I am hoping for the best for your marriage and hoping counseling will do something for mine we start this week.

Yes

This is a tough one.  Because I am usually content to assume that I deserve anger from my spouse.  But sometimes I get angry too!  And I feel the same way you described--like my anger is unjustified because I probably "caused" whatever it is that I'm angry at him for in the first place.  However, if he ends up apologizing after an argument, then I feel guilty (he doesn't try to make me feel that way, I just do).  So I guess it is a no-win situation.  

Thank goodness, I have a VERY reasonable and level-headed spouse who tries really hard to do his part to help and understand.  But he has a hard time doing the things I really need the most (encouragement) but then again, I have a hard time doing the things he really needs the most (managing the household tasks so that he is free to do his job and home responsibilities without worrying over "my" tasks too).  So I guess that's what a marriage is--we both have to do things that are really hard for us just because we love the other person.  Or maybe over time we end up needing the thing that our spouse is not great at giving because there is a deficit there?  The classic which came first argument--the chicken or the egg?  Either way, we can't get away with not meeting a particular need in our spouse.  If it goes neglected long enough, it is going to grow and fester until it is the PRIMARY need and we have no choice but to pay attention to it!  Unfortunately, it seems to be human nature to be attracted to people with opposite personalities from our own...until we live with them for awhile!  Then we'd like for them to be just like ourselves, thank-you-very-much!

Similar boat

I feel certain that if I spoke to my non-ADD wife the way she speaks to me, we'd have divorced a long long time ago.  As a consequence of 'dealing' with my ADD, she's "lost any respect for [me]".  Well, gee - you've lost all respect, and so you get to be angry and abusive, and I can only absorb?  It has to come to a point where the non-ADD spouse and the ADD spouse either agrees to work together, to re-build a relationship, or not.  I can modify my processes, I can moderate my condition, but I can't undo something that was done 20 years ago in college.

What I am doing:  Maybe this will work for you.  Go to a counselor or therapist, together if possible, _and_ the _same_ one separately.   This way, you can speak together, and alone, and the 3rd party knows both sides, and can help steer.

I liken it to a guide in dangerous lands:  When I was an alpine climber, I always went with a guide and the guide book.  I watched, took notes, and then did, with the guide.  Once the area wasn't so foreign to me, I could climb without a guide.  But not having a guide is a disaster waiting to happen.  I only hope that we start to make progress before it's too late; I wish we'd gone to a counselor 15 years ago.

Similar here too...

Arkyn: You say - "I feel certain that if I spoke to my non-ADD wife the way she speaks to me, we'd have divorced a long long time ago." CHECK

Wanting Better: You say - "She acts like I can't get angry" The other day a truck almost slammed into the back of our car and the other driver was honking "AT ME" the whole time. I was instantly "Mad" and I got jumped before the guy got around me. I did not hand gesture, roll down my window, go after him, just gave a dirty look as he passed. My DW and I had an argument about this... Before children I was classic road rage guy, but after kids my behavior is 90% better. After her rant about "He could have had a gun, your family is in the car, and a belittling of me saying "What would you do anyway, being so tough and all?1?!"... I was calm and looked at her and said "I" have a right to get mad. PERIOD. I was not angry, like she was and refused her demand that I do not react. WOW... My family was threatened by a tailgater in a 3/4 Ton Duelly and "I'm Wrong?!?" When she reacts instantly in anger, right or wrong, do I jump her about getting mad? No, I don't...

ADD Wife: You say - "Unfortunately, it seems to be human nature to be attracted to people with opposite personalities from our own...until we live with them for awhile!" TOTALLY

There is still much work to do for us ADDer's AND NonADDer's. Both sides have an equal role in the survival of the marriage.

 

YYZ