I wish I knew how to talk to my spouse about her anger, which I feel is growing out of control for the last 3 years. I can see and understand the things that cause that initial spark... but we haven't yet gotten to a place where we can cap off or even talk about her runaway anger. She says dozens of things which she tells me later aren't true. She spits out hurtful names and slams her hands on the tabletop. I see sweat beading down her face. She switches to 30 seconds of crying and then starts screaming again.
Most saddening of all is how often an angry episode will "ruin" the rest of her day. Or her entire work week. Today there was 45 minutes back-and-forth, sparked by a mess I had left in the basement. Now she's up in bed at 1:30 in the afternoon. I know that I can't go ask her: How do we get back on track? How can we make this day better? I'm sorry, how can I make it up to you?" Her response will be, "Nope! You've screwed my entire day." So in bed she will stay, sleeping, tossing around, or flipping through Facebook on her phone to look at posts from friends and wallow in sadness and envy. Later, she'll grab a quick dinner without talking to me, and binge on Netflix until bed. The fights that hurt most wind up ruining her week. I'll get a text: "7 PM and I'm still at my desk. Not getting anything done because of you and lack of sleep." "Hope you're ready for me to work on Saturday, thanks again." "You never think of me and how much I have to do. I told you about this project last week." "Couldn't sleep and got in late to work, all because of you. Again!"
When she's in this state, anything I do makes it worse, it seems. If I try to take a break in the next room -- I've scurried away like a mouse. If I say that I understand that was wrong -- bald-faced liar. If I ask her to do anything, sit down, take a deep breath -- don't boss me around like I'm some moron. If I make any one of a dozen weird, flustered, or inappropriate gestures -- drama queen. If she storms off and I approach her later and ask how she's feeling -- what do you f----- think, after what you did to me?
I would love to have her step back and think about her own anger... read a book... see a therapist (not in a million years)... or just find the words to open up an interesting and meaningful conversation about untangling her own anger. There are things in life that frustrate her besides her ADHD spouse, and I know that we don't spend enough time talking about those either. But none of these will get untangled, just sit in the background like a malignant lump, and it's my hand, mine only, holding the string that'll pull it to the forefront. She can't and won't help it.
Advice or thoughts... anybody...