Non adhd wife suffocating

Being married for 12 years, 8 of those my husband is diagnosed with ADHD, he takes meds for it and said they help him focus at work. As I feel, meds had no effect on our steadily declining relationship. I only found out ADHD has an effect on marriage a couple of months ago and as I was reading ( all I could find on web) Everything clicked:( his very typical symptoms, patterns, progression. I'm devastated.  He's in complete denial about his ADHD effect. Actually he said " all past marriage problems we had are Your Fault, I was just present ". All blame is on me, he's VERY defensive- see above. I asked him to read Melissa"s article " to men who aren't convinced it matters", told him I have new hopes to help us as a couple and how important it is for me .A MONTH later ( I was careful to not push or nah I asked about his thoughts on it. And? He said he didn't read " because he did something else I asked for. Meaning I am again the one to blame:(  A few year ago I was put on highest dose of Zoloft by Psychiatrist who talked to me got like 30 min. It did not help at all. Because it's not a problem in my head!!!! Over the years I kept making adjustments to my behavior, attitude, anything I could think of. Nothing worked. I feel like an annoyance to him most of the time, because talking to me distracts him fro what he is focused on currently ( not me . My time was short first  few months:(   Gradually I  lost hope, confidence, and my voice went with it. Even the memory of his  explosive rage typical when I tried to address any issues between us sends me into panic attacks:( So I'm silent, except crying every night and sometimes more.   I have nowhere to go, but I'm vanishing here. Help!!!! 
or say something!!! Please