Being married for 12 years, 8 of those my husband is diagnosed with ADHD, he takes meds for it and said they help him focus at work. As I feel, meds had no effect on our steadily declining relationship. I only found out ADHD has an effect on marriage a couple of months ago and as I was reading ( all I could find on web) Everything clicked:( his very typical symptoms, patterns, progression. I'm devastated. He's in complete denial about his ADHD effect. Actually he said " all past marriage problems we had are Your Fault, I was just present ". All blame is on me, he's VERY defensive- see above. I asked him to read Melissa"s article " to men who aren't convinced it matters", told him I have new hopes to help us as a couple and how important it is for me .A MONTH later ( I was careful to not push or nah I asked about his thoughts on it. And? He said he didn't read " because he did something else I asked for. Meaning I am again the one to blame:( A few year ago I was put on highest dose of Zoloft by Psychiatrist who talked to me got like 30 min. It did not help at all. Because it's not a problem in my head!!!! Over the years I kept making adjustments to my behavior, attitude, anything I could think of. Nothing worked. I feel like an annoyance to him most of the time, because talking to me distracts him fro what he is focused on currently ( not me . My time was short first few months:( Gradually I lost hope, confidence, and my voice went with it. Even the memory of his explosive rage typical when I tried to address any issues between us sends me into panic attacks:( So I'm silent, except crying every night and sometimes more. I have nowhere to go, but I'm vanishing here. Help!!!!
or say something!!! Please
Non adhd wife suffocating
Submitted by inSearchForHope on 11/18/2019.
Hi, InSearchForHope
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am so sorry to read about your situation and I just wanted you to know that there are people who understand what you're going through. You are not alone or invisible. Melissa says that ADHD doesn't cause divorce... denial does. An ADHD spouse's inability or refusal to see how symptoms impact relationships puts you at an impasse for now. He has indicated he won't do more than take his current medication and he won't/can't at this time see the connection between behaviour and the health of your relationship. The "non" partner can only do so much compensating, reading, empathizing, setting boundaries, etc. To actually have a healthy relationship, effort/change has to come from the ADHD spouse, too. Having been in a similar position within the last few years myself (I went on depression meds, I was sleeping an hour a night and I was crying all the time), I would urge you to start focusing on yourself. That's what helped me (it's still a work in progress though!). I went to a therapist for myself and it helped me see how *I* really feel, among other things. It validated that I'm not crazy. It felt good that someone finally heard me. She helped me refocus on myself, rather than my husband/relationship, and that made me stronger. I know it's hard to see how that will help now, but it really can. You can try to find yourself and your confidence again, vs. this person who makes adjustments to her behaviour, attitude, etc. just so she doesn't annoy someone. No wonder you feel like you're vanishing.
Aside from getting individual help, being part of these forums has helped me see that I'm not alone and that others share my struggles. There are some great nuggets of advice from those who are dealing with similar issues and even input from those who have left their ADHD relationships. Wishing you the best.
Thank you so much for
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Thank you so much for listening, understanding and caring enough to respond. I'm glad you are taking care about yourself, any success in stories like our is a WIN.
I try to save myself, save us, save my love to him and not let resentment build. I realized recently that I unintentionally was re directing all negative feelings caused by adhd dynamics from him to myself and that made my health to deteriorate quickly. At thirty something I'm in physical pain on more days that I'm not:( my all body literally hurts:(
Empath pain
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Also, I am an empath ( HSP) and that only makes matters worse for me as I FEEL ALL his negative feelings as my own , towards myself.
could not find any advice for empath non adhd spouses anywhere though
Same here!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Wow - am the same! I bet a lot of the "nons" posting on here are empaths, too. I'm not a psychologist, but I would guess in a lot of cases, the ADHD spouse was drawn to us in part for our ability to give so much.
But it makes it so much harder. I have been trying really hard to remind myself that just because he is mad or irritable, that does not have to be my feeling. Maybe we can do it together! In the moment I will talk myself down, but when things are really bad, I often walk away now. I go on a walk or whatever I can to physically remove myself from the negative emotions.
I am wondering how much empathy your husband has. Little? None? That is how mine is. He actually can't put himself in someone else's shoes. For instance, my daughter and I have explained to him on countless occasions that she feels unimportant to him because whenever she approaches him to do something with her, he rejects her. On the very rare occasion he says yes, he says, "Fine, but I don't want to." He honestly can't see how she feels. WHAT??? But he can't. We have had this talk with him so many times and each time we're met with a blank stare and response of, "Well she shouldn't feel that way." Anyway... I was just curious if your parnter was similar. :)
Yes I’m in the similar boat
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Yes, the line " you/ he/ she should not feel that " is painfully known. It inconveniences him, annoys him, he does not get it for sure. Worse actually. If I say " I feel lonely " he sees it as an attack , gets defensive and fires back . Needless to say lonely turns into desperate, in his opinion I " should not feel that " . Then I an sent to pay psychiatrist and treated as crazy. Because in his mind I must be crazy if he does not get it.
More
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
normally, psychologists advise to approach the partner and calmly gently let him/ her know how "I FEEL " about something that you'd like adjusted. Well, that is a recipe for huge pain for me, because 1. I shouldn't feel that way and 2. The cycle leading to rage often starts.
so I'm ( are you also?) facing the dilemma: to save relationship I have to find way to fix communication, but every attempt costs me MUCH, and - he's totally ignoring the issues, silent me ( problem - in his eyes) makes him happy ( problem resolved itself I guess it is what he thinks) :(
BUT. His feelings , attitudes and ideas have to be understood, accepted, validated, shared . Here's an example. He wanted to purchase a small aircraft. And renew his pilots license. ( that's a ton of time and money) . I dared to ask how will it fit into our budget and schedule. And the hell broke loose. Because I asked that he drew the conclusion I don't care about his happiness and should have shared his joy. That was catastrophic screaming roaring on his part.
InSearch
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I understand where you are. I would say I tried pretty hard to save my relationship, too. I just couldn't do it on my own. You can't fix communication unless he comes to the table willing to participate. It always takes two and that's why I failed. Sadly, I have resigned myself to leaving eventually when my daughter is old enough so that I won't have to share custody. He is unfit to parent but courts don't readily see that with ADHD and they also favour split custody where I live. It would be awful for her so I stay and try to do what I can to lead my own life as happily as possible, minimize my stress and minimize the impact his symptoms have on me.
That aircraft story is outrageous! Clearly something so expensive and time consuming should be a joint decision. Imagine you said you'd decided to take a world cruise on your own for the next 5 months and went bananas when he asked how that might fit into your lives??
I hear you!!!
For Melody
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Yes, my kids are what drives my every decision about the relationship, also, it is because of them I'm still in one piece.
I live for them, to make sure their life is best possible. As for myself, I dropped all expectations and won't let my hopes go up.
Oh, just realized my " name " here is suggesting I'm searching for hope. Looks like by now it is peace that I'm after.
Kids make it worthwhile!!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Wow, are we ever similar. Thank goodness for the kids!! I pretty much parent for two, but she keeps me going so I don't mind. We have such a strong bond and I feel so fortunate for that.
My expectations, like yours, are very low. I live as though I am single. That has been a very helpful way for me to function, mind-set-wise. I just never count on him at all, do most things myself, hire for things I can't do and let the rest go. Beyond that "day-to-day work" part of a marriage, it was hard to give up fighting for the connection... that "hope" you mentioned. I really wanted my marriage to work. No one in my family and even extended family is divorced. It was hard to accept/reconcile what I experienced in the hyperfocus phase vs. this long-term reality and harder to accept that no matter how vulnerable/broken/honest I was, he simply could not/would not give me anything resembling a real partnership ever again. As long as he's happy, there's no reason to do anything differently in his mind. He honestly doesn't even see what's wrong. It's all pretty crazy-making!
Thanks for all the camaraderie today. I really hope you find that peace you're after.
Holding on to hope
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
But it's just slipping away
Good morning Insearchforhope....
Submitted by c ur self on
So glad you found this site....For one, nothing you said here is not completely (and I mean completely) understood...Why do we understand it?? Because it's so so many of our lives...Or has been...You can ask your questions (specific stuff) to these ladies & men, and get informed answers from people who is doing the daily work (or has done) to have the best relationship possible under the circumstances....
I personally have been married since 2008....I got the same from her, you said 3 months, it was probably 7 here, before the next shiny thing came along and her priorities changed...When her wedding vows and promises slide down her list, which always pushes our spouses down our lists....
Blame & Denial
My wife is in complete denial about the effects of her life style, sounds like you are experiencing the same....What happens in these situations (or did for us) is, communication breaks down....If I was constantly trying to get you to see yourself, and you hated it....Would you not think I was the problem? So is there any truth to his view (and my wife's) that we are the problem a lot of the time?? Of course there is! LOL...Why? Because we keep POINTING OUT the intrusive and uncaring life style they are living when it comes to our marital relationship.....
Why do we do this? We do it because we SEE, we FEEL, we DESIRE, we LOVE....we HURT.....We married them to have a life time partner where love, effort and energy is a shared thing..The beauty of unity....Two being One!
So we have this heart felt commitment, and we see what is possible with in the sanctity of a marriage relationship, and press for it.....Pressing creates pressure on them, and they have already taken the stance for years now (shown us by their daily pursuits) that they have no intentions, convictions, (and maybe no ability in some cases) to show care (not be in denial of) for their marital responsibilities.....But because we hunger for a healthy attachment we continue to press, and we are just a pain in their self absorbed mind's butt.....
What I have done (trying to do) is to ask myself what is possible with her and me?? What with boundaries, can be accomplished to have the least chaos, the least unhealthy communication, and the most peaceful sharing?? Work toward that, and ACCEPT it.....
Distraction and negative reactions....
When you speak to him, while he is focused on his time related pursuits, (hobbies, TV, electronics, addictions, sleeping, children, friends....etc..) and he shows frustration, lack of patients in those moments it's a reason for that....I'm not saying he shouldn't own his behaviors, or it's OK to be a butt hole in those moments....It's never OK,....When any of us allow our singular selfish desires and pursuits, to carry more weight than our convictions to interact with our spouse by hearing, and responding with kindness, then that becomes a fact of life for both parties with in the relationship....It really doesn't matter what is right or wrong when it is one or both individuals reality....And because of human weakness and un-repentance many times, along w/ denial (the refusal of ownership)...This type individual will most always turn to self-justification, instead of remorse and sincere apologies.....
So based on the dynamic's we face because of the heart and minds we live in....And the huge difference's and priorities....I personally have learned to ask the question...What is possible to have as much calm loving interaction as possible......Our difference's and realities want allow me to ask myself what is right? or What do I want?....Those questions, might be possible for many couples but, they will destroy many of us mentally and emotionally.....So I have to accept that, so I can have a peaceful life....I talk to myself, (get on to myself, bring myself into subjection about what is possible) when I get to comfortable with her, it always bites me....Then I am left shaking my head, telling myself, you idiot, will you ever learn??....I can leave her...But if I continue to stay.....I must accept her reality, it doesn't matter what I, or any one else thinks about it.....It's just a fact of life.....
Bless u dear lady....I suggest you set boundaries on yourself, to limit you from placing expectations on him, that you know will only end up badly for you....Try to place your thoughts on YOUR life, constructive things, (take it back) and avoid over thinking his life....Because like my wife and I....There will never be anything close to the same barring a miracle.....
Also I try to compartmentalize (boundaries in some area's, but not so much in others) our lives together, in order to not allow our difference's from destroying all aspects (carry over) of the relationship....
c
Reading these things...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"Well she shouldn't feel that way." and psychologists advise to approach the partner and calmly gently let him/ her know how "I FEEL "
Aggravates me to no end. Logically, I know the ony person that you or I can change is ourselves. Emotionally its another manner. A person can only be so accommodating, ie: "calmly, gently", before throwing ones hands up in exasperation and saying F--k it! Especially when I read about Melody's daughter. That is heartbreaking. Who is the adult here? A child shouldn't have to beg for attention from a parent.
Also, what if you approach your partner when they are not distracted by a computer, TV or video game, and he still gets pissy, what then? ARGH!
So...the only solution is not to communicate at all? I did that with my ex-husband and that did not make things better. Whats the point in being married/in a relationship where you don't speak to that person for fear of their reaction, living like roommates?
*** I just keep adding onto my vent, here because the more I read, the more upsetting it is to me. Why get married or live with someone if you don't want to pay attention to them? Live by yourself and pay a prostitute for sex when you need it then. Why? Because its working for them.
I feel your pain...all of you. GRRRRRR.
Thanks, Adele
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Honestly, it means so much to hear you say this. I am consistently approaching with "I feel" statements so he doesn't go on the defensive (he does anyway), trying to pick my moments, trying to empathize with what it must be like to live with an ADHD brain.... "ARGH" is right. He makes zero accommodations for me! Honestly, it's too much. Just trying to get through the next couple of years. Sometimes I wonder if it hurts my daughter more that I've stayed. But then I need to remember that any amount of shared custody would be a disaster for her. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not crazy.
<3
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
HUGS.