First, I just want to say "thank you" to everyone who has responded to my posts on other topics. Even if I didn't have time to respond to everyone, please know that you all are helping me a lot! No one on the "outside" understands what it is like to be in an ADHD marriage (or at least no one I know). I am more grateful than you'll ever know :).
Naturally, I have another question to pose to you. I legitimately do not know how to apologize to my husband when he tells me I have either done something/not done something that makes him angry or hurt and I have zero recollection of it. After an accusation, I used to immediately argue with him that I didn't do it & didn't remember it so I couldn't have possibly have done it (go ahead and laugh at me non-ADHD spouses; I get it now;)!). I rarely have that reaction now, unless he's on the attack, and then it's a 50/50 toss. So my new way of approaching this is to say, "I'll take your word for it. I don't remember doing it, but I know that doesn't mean anything."
I then try to process it and try to recall because at that point, an apology seems insincere as I don't feel contrite until I have some memory of actually having done what he's told me I must have done. When I tell him I'll take his word for it, this seems to make him even angrier. I do need to talk to him about it when we both have some time and ask him what kind of apology would be sufficient in his mind. He clearly has some idea of what he doesn't want, and presumably of what he is actually seeking, but has yet to communicate that to me.
*I am so distracted right now by autosave going off every 5 seconds ...Need... to... focus :(!*
O.K. I'm now trying to look at the ceiling while I type so I can concentrate.
When my husband gets angrier following my beginning (understand this is not a true apology yet) to assume responsibility, I do start getting defensive. If he would just let me process, I'm sure I could say that even though I'm not always certain of what I did, it is reasonable to propose that I did based on my ADHD symptoms, and then a true apology with true regret could follow. I just need a few minutes. He claims that I don't and the answer should be readily apparent and that there is nothing to process. Where am I going astray? Is it unreasonable for me to need to process first, and apologize later? Does it matter if I apologize but don't "feel it?" As is usually the case with us, the actual reason for the fight is not generally earth-shattering; I just have no idea how to handle it.
Non's out there, what kind of apology would make you feel better in situations where your spouse has no memory of the alleged incident? How would you want it to be handled? Have you and your spouse come to a resolution on this topic. I know it drives the Non's crazy when we argue and memories. Only when I started having the same type of issues with my son and he was arguing with his Dad and me did I see the error of my ways. Just don't know how to disengage.