Not enough affection (ad/hd husband and non-ad/hd spouse)

Am I the only one that is having this issue my wife came to me today and said that she wanted a divorce. That I spend all my time on the computer and that she is just tired and fed up. She says that she has begged with me to come to bed or watch a movie with her. I am a college student going on to get my Ph. D. after my bachelors. We have 2 kids the youngest 2 and the other 10. I am still in love this woman she is the love of my life what do I do. Is it me or the Ad/hd? I am on aderallxr 20mg. We just recently found out that my anger came from this accursed disease.  The anger is gone now I can hardly eat and I am up all night. Yet the having to be asked multiple times still has not gone away. She says the only time i kiss her is to say hello and goodbye. I rarely give her any hugs. And we have not had sex in months I thought everything was okay up until today when she told me she wants a divorce this is my first time posting on the forum so I am hoping that I can get enough responses so my wife will at least take a look at it. Her exact words is not everything can be caused by your ad/hd. I love my wife with all my heart and soul I just don't know what to do to fix it.

Hi, I wish you the best of

Hi, I wish you the best of luck with working things out.

Reading through your post, I have to wonder: did you really think everything was ok?  You say you haven't had sex in months, you rarely hug and kiss and that you spend all your time on the computer (according to her).  How is that ok? Is that the kind of marriage you want?  I think if you want to save your marriage you need to change a lot of that and put time with your wife as priority number one.

You say you love her with all your heart and soul.  Don't you want her to feel that love?  Through physical affection (hugs, kisses, sex), through complimenting her and saying nice things to her and about her, spending time with her (like cuddling up together and watching a movie) and so on.  I also think it's important to go to bed at the same time, to cuddle there and maybe talk a little bit.

I don't know if everything that frustrates her is the adhd, but some of what you say sure sounds like that.  You have to realize, however, that adhd is a reason and not an excuse.  If she needs certain behaviors from you to feel loved and valued, you should be willing to try them (assuming they're reasonable) even though you have adhd.  Maybe it's harder and maybe you'll need help from her and for her to remind you.  

If you're willing to change and express that to your wife along with your love for her, I hope she'll be willing to work things out with you.

Thanks for the comment

Every since I started taking the aderall xr I stay up all night long till like 3 or 4 in the morning. I try to complement her when ever I can. As far as sex goes with the kids and her mom we rarely ever have time to do the deed. When I try to she doesn't want to. My aunt thinks that my script is not correct for me. As far as the holding her and loving on her. I thought the random hugs i do or the few times I do remember to to sit on the couch with her and not in the chair she says I don't hold her right. I am truly a husband lost in the sauce I try my hardest to juggle school and maintain my 3.0-4.0 GPA, work on my research project, play with my kids, get house hold chores done, and not have a total breakdown in the process of it all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!

PhD crazies

Well, working on a PhD can drive anyone crazy, ADD or not.  I don't have any good advice, just sympathy.  You might be right about the medication or you might try taking it at a different time (so it doesn't keep you up so late).  You should probably check with your doctor on that.  I would also think counseling is a good idea for you and your wife, assuming she is willing to work things out.

I like http://www.simplemarriage.net/ for some of their writing on intimacy in marriage - maybe you and your wife could read some of that together.

Good luck.

Your telling me. But am I doing something wrong?

Luckily I am still working on my bachelors but I am in a program called the Mcnair program. SO on top of all my regular school work i am taking (16 hours) I have a research project (500 hours in 1 year) on the aspects of truth in social media I am getting my bachelors in business management entrepreneurship and my doctoral in marketing social media. I also tutor on the side to earn some extra money 4 hours a week. Yes there are times that I do look up random things on line I think its a combo of my adhd and just needing some me time. I am hoping that we can work something out. I called my psych today and told them I need an appointment ASAP and I want my wife there. We believe our 10 year old has adhd or add most likely adhd. He is my step son but he is my son and no one can tell me any different. He plays football and I take him to practice 90% of the time.  Not to mention he was raised by all women his father was never there and still is not. SO he is a little on the weak side both mentally and physically. My MIL always is saying he is slow and we never take that into consideration. Then we have our 2 year old that is in that terrible 2 stage. Both are boys AND to top it all off my MIL lives with us and she has her own deep issues that causes a lot of arguments. Now add that all together and you have my daily life.  Not to mention our friends are here all the time so where does that leave me struggling to keep everything in motion. My wife hates it that I Know a lot about computers so if the computer crashes I have to fix it.  So this gives you a better understanding on what my day to day tasks are besides trying to help out with chores Ie cooking, cleaning on Sundays, and trying to help with the laundry I hate Laundry especially folding clothes. I do this ever day 24/5 and some times 24/6. I try my best to combine a lot of these tasks with another and I usually combine one of these tasks while watching a movie with my spouse after the kids go to bed. I have very limited time during the day WHAT DO I DO??????

Professional help

I'm pretty sure you guys could benefit from counseling.  If she has her mind made up that she's had enough, it will be hard for you to convince her otherwise, at least right now.  In fact, pressing and pressing might push her further away.  I know some of the regular posters here did split up with their add husbands and then got back together and managed to work things out.  Finding things they've posted might be inspiring for you and your wife to read.

Also, you both seem really busy, stressed and overwhelmed - from what you are writing.  A therapist might also be able to help you get a better grip on everything that's going on, prioritizing, organizing your time and making room for each other.

I hope things work out.