Submitted by ZenWife73 on 11/18/2018.
Do any of you other non-ADHD spouses have tips for feeling cherished/appreciated/loved by your spouse?
WAY before my husband's diagnosis (which was only a couple months ago) we saw a therapist who told me I deserve to be cherished - that really struck a chord with me because before my husband became so hyperfocused on work I felt cherished the most I had in my life before we met. I know he'll never hyperfocus on me again, but on the monthly occasion that he's able to stop hyperfocusing on his job I automatically feel cherished, so I know it's possible for me to feel that way. I would like for it to happen more often, though!
Feeling Cherished
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi ZenWife!
The most common advice I have read is to set aside time for the two of you with no distractions. Maybe Friday nights after the workweek is over might be a good time, for example. Actually plan the time - going out for dinner, watching a movie at home, etc. Both of you should agree that this is regular, uninterrupted couple time. As the "non" spouse, you may have to do most of the planning and reminding about this couple time.
This didn't work for me very well because my husband would not settle in distraction-free and could not grasp the importance of time/attention for me. However, I understand that typically this is very effective and helpful when both spouses are on the same page.
This is a struggle for me as
Submitted by Spinach on
This is a struggle for me as well. Husband focuses majority of his attention on work, and I haven't felt cherished in years. I believe that they mean well, but it's hard not to feel unimportant and ignored when they don't do basic things like take the initiative to plan a date or occasionally bring home flowers. I'll be on the lookout for responses to your post. Good luck and hang in there. We do deserve to feel cherished, I hope one day we will.
You are not alone
Submitted by prairierose on
This has been such a void for me in my marriage. I have never felt cherished or appreciated and I work very hard. I have been buying my own gifts for years. I nurture myself. I just wish I had more time for ME.
Wish I had some great insights, sadly, I do not. Just commiseration.
I am so sorry we all have to be here.
my advice for you is to let
Submitted by dvance on
my advice for you is to let go of wanting to feel cherished or find a new person to be married to. it isn't going to happen with an ADHD person. one the initial thrill of being with us wears off, we are no longer the center of their attention. another poster here called the non-ADHD people the pit crew and that is the perfect analogy--they only need us to keep the boring stuff at bay so they can live in their own little world. cherished isn't going to happen with an ADHD person.
Well that is depressing, but
Submitted by Spinach on
Well that is depressing, but if we're being honest with ourselves, it is probably a hard truth we need to face. I worry about a very lonely future when our child grows up and it's him and I again.
Empty nester here
Submitted by adhd32 on
H acted like the kids were some kind of inconvenience and was actually jealous of the attention I gave them growing up. Once or twice he actually said he couldn't wait till they were on their own so he could have all my attention. I think he thought that once they were gone we would roll back the clock and pick up back where things were simpler and he was on top of his game. But, the world has changed in those intervening years and he is 30 years older and much less healthier with less tolerance for keeping up with technology and culture. I was plugged in the whole time simply because I had to be in order to keep up with the kids.
Now it is just us and he has nothing to talk about except a monologue about how stupid the guy he worked with was today or how lousy the commute was. He never asks me much other than a superficial how are you feeling and cuts me off before I finish or if I mention my neck hurts (disc issues) he responds that I'm always complaining. Unless I ask 20 questions we could sit in silence eating dinner after which he disappears to his mancave. I am retired and am dreading the day he is too. I keep myself very busy and it will tick me off seeing him sitting around unmotivated and uninvolved in anything. Now that he is capable of having my undivided attention he isolates himself. All I can think of are the times he carried on and on about my not listening to him or the kids cutting him off during one of his endless boring stories at the dinner table yet here we are with no distractions and... silence.
I would be lonely if I didn't have a life outside the house apart from him. Funny how all those years of car pools, sports practice, youth church programs with the kids helped build friendships with other parents that have lasted even though our kids are no longer friends. I also enjoy friendships I've made at various activies I joined since I retired. H never made new friends as an adult because there was always something wrong with everyone he met and he has faded out of the lives of his old friends because he doesn't bother keeping in touch with them. Forget about making couple friends, there was no mystery why things fizzled out after 2 or 3 get togethers. The invites stopped coming after his charm faded and he monopolized the conversation one too many times or insulted someone with his unwaivering opinions which he defended without reading his audience and backing off.
I have been tolerating everything you said here too, adhd32
Submitted by jennalemone on
Every word you wrote here is EXACTLY what it is like here too. And I grieve for the passions and enjoyments I was all about when young. I wonder how did I ever turn out to be this way? Feeling like I gave up my life for someone who does not even see or know it. Like someone else mentioned this week, with no addition of love and support in your own environment, a person's soul withers. Well, since it seems in this case, after 40 years of trying to hold on to my romantic/marriage-minded/equal opportunity mind-set, I am accepting that it is up to me if I want to be a soulful, engaging, energetic, person who exudes love of life and confidence. I am thinking back to my own childhood and making realizations of why I stayed in this situation where my "love" relationships have left me not only dried out but grieving.
I was brought up with lots of "shoulds" and heaven and hell sermons and "knowing your place"/ "obey the rules"/ "don't you dare....." lessons in school, church and at home. I was always looking for permission or articles about "how I SHOULD be". I was so afraid of hell damnation, afraid that God and family and ANYONE would think I was WRONG. I became a roboton just asking for direction and a pat on the head for good behavior. Well, I don't know where I missed getting on the "adult train" of having my own rules, voice and boundaries, but I am working (passionate now) about finding that train depot and climbing aboard having my own rules and learning how to stand firm and be vocal. A person can't be vocal unless they know who they are and what they want. I have lost my self.
This entry is saying....Help your children become adults by giving them permission to be who they are according to their own hearts. There is a line crossed when children are kept to be so obedient that when they are older they just look for someone else to tell them what to do and how to think and children who grow up knowing who they are and what they will tolerate. Operant conditioning is what it is called when someone CAN NOT change a particular attitude or action in themselves because they have been conditioned by repetitive messages accompanied by pain until the brain cannot make any new actions/perspective. I have to be my own changer and I know that it will take a while. Today I am going to the library and treating my self to browsing any and all books having to deal with women/men caught in oppression in culture/religion/family. And I am going to spend time getting involved with the #MeeToo movement.
Jenna, I'm glad for you.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I know that the introspection that you're choosing to start doing for yourself is challenging and disconcerting and I just want to say that I am really happy for you. It may be difficult and uncomfortable at times but I believe you're on the right track and it will all be worth it. :-)
MIndfulness....
Submitted by c ur self on
The reason my wife can't come along beside me....**See my presents, and my needs**....Is because she is so overwhelmed with each moment...Her life consumes her....the bread crumbs of hyper-focus that we most all initially experienced, was real, but by NO means sustainable....Life has to be about what they are facing in the moment....It's a mind that is always consumed by their **self thoughts** their **Battles**....There is no ability to be mindful of the big picture of life, and what they are actually in (a marriage 2 being 1).....
Yes they stay because they find security, and because they know it's right, but, they just don't have a mind that can consider a spouse....My wife's friends, children, & grand children, love her, because when she is engaging them (hyper focus) they are all that matters....The beauty of a glorious marriage is hid to them, it bores them...LOL...Their minds can't stop and behold what is possible when they force themselves to learn patients, humility, and thankfulness....When they manage their lives based on their commitments, instead of their thrill seeking desire....
Peace to you all...
c
Security
Submitted by jennalemone on
c, we are accepting them as they are. We are stopping trying to adorn them with our own picture of how we would like our marriage to be. It would be best for them if we would have left them long ago to live their own independent lives and let them feel the responsibilities and ownership of their own lives. It is also probably a fact that our own insecurities are are at work. Financial difficulty, loneliness, lack of energy, lack of support may be keeping many of us entangled in relationships that drains us. It would be better for us, the partners, to be on our own too but we hang on, afraid to jump into the cold waters of possible ruin or rescue and hanging on to ourselves is a "must", "should" kind of feeling that we don't want to be guilty/shamed of letting them be on their own, hurting them. Maybe everyone on the planet has insecurities inside them and many of us stay in places where we don't want to be or are not wanted for the sake of security/guilt/shame. It is somewhat a human condition. You, c, have found strength in your strong faith which is inspirational to us all. I am grateful for your words many times to know there are MEN who are thoughtful and really faith based. I am re-considering the faith/laws/perspective that I was taught at a very young age and for a very long time and am needing to change my mind-set. It feels a little unsure and unsettling, but it is something I must do at this time in my life...I no longer can believe like a child as I was taught to do....this even sounds like sacrelige to my protestant ears, but I must become a grown up in charge of my own life....I thought my faith would save me and be my strength, but here I am feeling like I served everybody and everything but left myself out to be drained like an empty, used up sack of embarrassment. I am working on new perspectives and strength.
Jenna u r special!
Submitted by c ur self on
My wives have been the greatest gifts (on this earth) for my Faith, that I could have ever received....1st Peter 4 12-19...They have brought me great fleshly pleasure and happiness one moment, and sent me to my knee's (crying out to God) the next....
Jenna I had to decide (and have to renew my mind everyday) if I was going to live by my thinking, for this present life?? Or, was I going to live by faith in Jesus for an eternal one??...It was an easy choice;)....I've hurt so many people (my own selfish sin) in my life, the only way I could be disarmed (again daily) is Jesus.
Yes....I must surround myself w/ all things related to the savior, and the eternal....This is not my home, I am a sojourner!...Just my thought here....Your faith isn't the problem!...Your problem may be the same as mine so often...***Our view of life***He is there perfecting us in the most painful of ways....He don't want me loving this world...Because he know's it will cause me to not love him.....But those of us who overcome, shall be saved....
Yep, I think to highly of myself way to often....Lord save me!....Every man has to decide where life is, because he will always pursue it, when he thinks he knows....Is it the seen? or Is it the unseen?
Blessings dear Jenna...Thank you for your encouragement, and your wonderfully honest post...
c