I know I am asking alot of questions, I guess doing a post mortem on my own life and relationship has led me to wonder what others have gone through, and how they managed and dealt with things.
I asked previously to folks who had left their relationship - what would have made them reconsider and stay in the relationship. And I got a REALLY good answer to that, which lined up alot with my own feelings. It was so helpful. So I wanted to ask another question of the folks here, not only to help me - but maybe help anyone else in the same boat, or maybe even an ADHD partner trying to make changes.
What was your breaking point? What was that proverbial "Straw that broke the camel's back" that made you realize that the situation was hopeless? Was it an "ah-ha" moment - or just a slow collapse of everything you worked towards?
For me - that answer is when, for the 2nd time this year, literally only a couple of months after my mother's death, he told me he wasn't in love with me and wasn't sure he could be married. The first time he said it - with in weeks of my mother's death, I didn't believe him because this happens every year this time (when his sister passed) and he always comes back with "I was wrong, my life is with you - I just get upset over the past and think I am broken". The second time was only 2 months after that, and this was after a relatively nice couple of months, we were getting along, smiling and laughing together. (even after me catching him in yet another lie, and telling him he didn't HAVE to lie, but that I understood why he did it - because of previous trauma from childhood). And then while we were talking (calmly and not in a position of anger) I asked him why, just a few days prior, he was happy and content, and actually quite loving towards me, and made me feel like we were building up better methods of working with each other. But - from his perspective - nothing changed. So when he said to me - "I am not in love with you, I dont know if I want to be married anymore, and I was only wanting to be married last week because i was in a good mood" (that is a summary, but basically what he said) - something inside me snapped like a twig. I realized that even though I had done the work, read the books, accepted the realities and dealt with my OWN anger and issues (always an ongoing thing) he still wasn't going to do it. Because it wasn't easy, convenient or immediate.... I realized that it didn't matter what I did. He didn't want me. And for the first time, I was OK with it and decided from that point on not to waste another precious moment on it.
I had been providing for him - he doesn't work. The vision of what our lives would be from *my* perspective would be he would not work, but would take care of the house a few hours a day, would spend time at the MMA gym, fighting practice and on his athletic goals (he does medieval fighting) and that i would support him in his goals - giving him what he needed to make it to the TOP of that sport. My role would be loving wife, admirer, and support system - which I was happily prepared to play. He basically gets anything he wants and doesnt have to hold down a 9-5 to get it. He had all the opportunity in the world to become his dream, but he squandered it.
So my vision had to change. My new vision doesn't include him, and that hurts, but I will get over it. I am strong, smart, and I KNOW MY WORTH. That last bit is key - it helped that trigger moment, when I realized he didnt value me, didnt see my worth and probably never will, that realization hit me hard, and from that moment on, my vision started to change. It motivated me to take charge of myself, and make my life a good one regardless of his decisions. I know I cannot change him, and I never wanted to be in a place where I felt I had to be parent. I want a partner, he doesn't. So be it.
What was YOUR "ah-ha" moment that made you realize things had to change, be it your relationship dynamics or YOU?