Not angry any more


I did as recommended and read and read Is It you, me or adult add, etc.... The more I read the less angry I got... the more depressed I became.  So I must mourn that I married 6 mo ago to a man that finally "saw me".. to find out with heart tearing suddenness, right after our wedding, that he only saw me bc I was the recipient of his hyper-focus.  It is too late now... I left my job and life to move here for us to make a life for us and his daughter.  I know noone here but his world, so, there is noone to talk to.  He is not a jerk, he actually cares, and so ..can you believe it... I feel like I am drowning bc I cannot even be angry.  It could be any other woman, right... he just hyper focused on me...  I don't have the amount of beauty or anything to reawaken his interest... 6 mo  married and sex/intimacy once a mo. if ever.  I know books say...don't take it personally... What the heck? I get not to blame him... But how am I supposed not to take personally that this is the rest of my life.  I am So. European... we show our love in touch all the time.. I feel as if I was starving for air.  I am ready to give up and just let myself be sucked into his world as the servant of Add treatment.  I waited years and years... I was so careful about falling in love... I saw so much sorrow around.... It could have been any other woman that passed in front of his sight.  Hyperfocus... Nothing to do with me.  I was just the idiot that imagined deserved that sort of attention.  I am, I am told, beautiful, the accent helps... I spent life being careful not to let a man have me just because he wanted a collectable piece (you'd be surprise how many of those guys are around).... I thought he "saw" me, heart.  I put shields down.  The strike was fatal.  ADHD wins.  I tried to write here more..but sometimes, like in the sex thread, answers were so harsh... I knew I could not bear more ... So I am not angry anymore... I am informed, exhausted, disenchanted, lonely, surrendering, feeling ugly and undeserving, ... I don't know how to not keep walking, so I shall... but as of today I am too heartbroken to lift my head.  Just wait till is over, till another focus comes into his view (person or thing) am I to know? how is he to know? he can't help it, at least he is trying for treatment but crashing against dangerous side-effects..... My family died a long time ago.  Orphan life is not easy for a girl.  There is no where to go, for a break or anything else.  I stay and wait in total surrender.  What is the point anyway?  he is a good man who can't help his condition..and I am the woman who feels I ..what is the English saying... had the bait switched?... by ADD.  I needed the loving I thought I had found.  I survived so many dying...was so many years of no family at all.... but it was only hyperfocus... he loves me, in his ADD way, I know... but I can't see how given the nature of impulse and hyperfocus, how it is not just temporary.... and I don't think I know how to make my So. European body understand that the rest of my life is about touch-starvation.  Any way.  I am just saying good bye to you all who commiserated and shared experiences with me.  I am so sorry that any of you have to go through any of this, ADD sufferers and co-sufferers.  I am so sorry.  You all deserve a life time of joy.  I wish you are all stronger and better shored-up that me and can strive for it.  Warmest wishes to you.