Not coping

I feel really hopeless and tired. We have been married for 8 years where we had our fights, on and off days, bad times, really bad times, good times. We have a 6-year-old daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. And I cannot cope with that. Things between my husband and I are not as it should be either. We can’t communicate, it either escalates to a fight with screaming and swearing, or turns into a blame game. Both of us so by no means do I claim to be innocent. I am no innocent bystander but my husband sure knows how to push my buttons. I am rambling, let me try and organise my thoughts. My husband comes from a very abusive family; he’s been abused (not sexually) from a very young age to late in his twenties when he finally stood up to his father. His father, an alcoholic hit his mother as well as his late grandmother, but his mother (who is a compulsive liar and co-dependent according to the psychologist) chooses to deny it ever happened and would rather bad mouth her son than own up to the abuse she allowed to happen. My husband had ADHD. Therefore, when we got married it was a huge learning curve. I’ve quickly realised (and I think seeing that he learned nothing of respect and how to treat a wife in his own home this is probably why) that he has no respect for me. I knew that before we got married (his family situation, but he was so wonderful to me, so caring and full of love) so it was really my own fault. During our first years of marriage he never helped around the house, were never interested in building a future, working out a spending budget etc. and when I got irritated when I had to do everything he would swear at me and call me names. It escalated to violence where we would shove, poke and hit each other. He once stuck a fork in my face when he was arguing with me about something. We had a disagreement when I was pregnant where he pushed me over the couch and smacked me with a heavy-duty torch. I say again, we are both to blame. He would provoke me until I wanted to kill him I his sleep (as a figure of speech) I rarely felt cared for. He would sit on the couch while I drag heavy wet towels to the washing line to hang and not lift a finger. I did the garden work; he did not lift a finger. His work was hard and stressful enough says he. When our daughter was born my mom came to help and is still helping with her. However, the fights continued and he would talk to me as if I am trash in front of my mom. When my mom eventually had enough of his disrespect, she told him it should stop so he chased us both out of the house. The difficulties continued and when my mom had enough she moved to her family and I had to put our daughter in a crèche as we both work fulltime. This is where I first realised there is a problem, as my little girl would listen to no one, would attach hit, spit, claw etc. everyone and anyone. She would have temper tantrums at the crèche and in the shops. So I took her out of the crèche and my mom came back to help again. This was probably a mistake (my mom coming back and removing her from the social context). When she turned 5, we sent her to grade 0 – within the first week the school called us in and informed us that my child is disrupting the class, is disrespectful towards her teacher and bullying her classmates. My employer wouldn’t let me have time of at work to go to school every time so my mom had to stand in for which I am grateful. My husband was never available being too busy with his job and can never get time off. However, when he wants to go to the bank to change his contact number then he can get off very quickly just not when I need help with the important stuff. We (and by we, I mean my mom and I) went to a child psychologist and a paediatric to do the necessary test and my girl was diagnosed with a very severe case of ADHD and ODD. We started the prescribed medicine. So far, none of the meds worked for her as they either give her terrible headaches, turns her into a “zombie” or give her heart palpitations and she throws up. We have tried 3 levels of Ritalin and 2 of Concerta. In addition, my mom does not want her to take the meds and would talk in front of her of how bad it is so now my girl is convinced she will die if she drinks her meds and I am not sure anymore if her symptoms are imaginary out of fear or real. When we take her back to the paediatric, he just prescribes a different dose of the med. Same story. My husband did not bother to come to one of the sessions so he does not realise how bad it is. He spends minimum time with her (due to his working hours) and he cannot be bothered to read the info I find on how this affects me as a mom, us as a family and most importantly our girl and what we could and should try to curb the negative effects. I cannot force it on my own. She also is starting talking just like we would to each other when we fought as we make the horrible mistake to fight in front of her. So my child has no problem telling me to f-off you b*&^ The worst part is when she gets her angry bouts as a result of the ODD – she hits me and scratches me and even tried to stab me (albeit with a pen but still she’s not thinking clearly when she acts like this) and choke me. I am scared that once she goes into her fit of rage and she had maybe scissors in her hand or a knife it might not end well. My mom thinks I am crazy for fearing this. She also attacks my mom. Our daughter does not accept the word no and when things does not go her way she goes crazy and I have the blue and blacks and scratch marks to show for it. Sometimes it’s easier to just say yes an avoid the drama. My mom and husband does not realise how severe this problem is. It is as if they thing oh well time will sort it out. I said to my mom that according to some of the mom’s stories I heard and read it will not get better and I am scared that we are raising a monster. My mom responded that I am a b*&^ for saying that and she hates me because I am putting down my daughter. As my mom is looking after our girl during the day, when I bring up our girl’s problems and that it’s getting worse not better my mom takes it as a personal insult and then accuses me of breaking down my daughter when I attempt to discipline her. Which I am not I am trying to face the reality of what she has. We do not have a medical aid so I cannot afford all or the best help in the world but we can try little things like diet etc. Again no support from my husband with this. I refuse to go to the shops with my daughter as she acts out very much and when I try to discipline her she will attack me in public. My husband calls me lazy for that. I currently have 4 jobs to make ends meet but I get sweared at when I ask him to help so I can work. He will accuse me blindly of stuff that is so far from the truth just so he can get out of taking responsibility for anything but his job. One of my jobs is in the academic field where I have to do research and write which I cannot do with a child that interrupts me every 10 seconds and nags until she gets her way (of goes into a rage). Then I will get to a stage where I cannot take this anymore and I’ll snap at my girl. Which makes me a bad mother and it is unfair towards her. Moreover, it’s not her fault. I just cannot cope alone or seemingly alone. One of the things that the psychologist said was that every caretaker in our daughter’s life should talk out of one mouth (mom dad gran) but currently its three mouths. My husband has got his own issues and complains all the time is angry all the time and aggressive. He swears and shouts at both our daughter and me. After the school incident, we started home-schooling so that we could test the medicine and see what we can do to help. My husband was pro this home schooling and promised how we’ll all help to pull this off. My mom and I got stuck with it. He doesn’t help with the lessons and couldn’t be bother to help me with the registration. It’s still not done because I don’t have enough time to get to everything. I have given up on my studies and I despise both my husband and my daughter for that and that makes me an even worse person and mother. My husband could not be bothered to fix anything in the house. The paint and plaster is falling off the walls he just pulls up his shoulders and say I will not fix it. We do not share a room anymore and we have not been intimate for more than a year. My daughter actually needs full time supervision, as we cannot leave her for 5 minutes to play or do something especially when she is off her meds. I just cannot take this situation anymore. When I said to my husband I hate being a parent because I don’t get any support and everything, all the responsibility is left to me he told met to f-off and go live with my family he will raise his child. Which is a joke, as he cannot currently be bothered with anything let alone coping with an ADHD/ODD child. Our money never lasts through the month as he spends and spends and spends on sweets and cold drinks and take away. I do not stop it either because I am tired of fighting an unwinnable fight. I used to complain and warn about this and opposed his spending ways but he would either sulk or swear so I just gave up and gave in let him spend I’ll just take on another job. I ask him please come sit so we can look at and discuss the budget so we can save and get a medical aid and a car. Nope not interested at all. It is never the right time. He’s also never interested in discussing the situation with our daughter or what alternative remedies we can implement to make things better. He will also say nasty things about me to our daughter and he always denies everything he says / does. Tonight when I put my foot down and said NOW you are going to bed its past your bedtime he told her that my voice makes him sick. She’s sitting here as I type refusing to go to bed and puts up a whole scene when I take her to bed which then angers my husband as he is working tomorrow. I do not know what to do or how to do it or what the right thing is. I’m just so exhausted. My husband and child disrespect me and swear at me. I am a horrible mother for not coping. My husband shows me no affection and is always ready with an insult or complaint or talking down at me like I’m a piece of trash. And I love my baby girl so much I wish I could take it all away from her.