I have been married to my ADHD husband for 5 years and known him for 7. I had a brother who had ADHD as a kid so when we met I felt like I had a good understanding of what kind of problems ADHD would bring to the table. I was so wrong.
My husband has had trouble keeping jobs or being successful because he can't complete tasks. After several failures he fell in to depression which ended in a suicide attempt. He let me know in a letter that he was doing it because he felt I did not love him. I know I have messed up and not always been the best wife, but to this day he blames me for his suicide attempt and it breaks my heart. He was then unemployed for several months, it was financially stressful and after years of being the breadwinner I started to wonder if we would ever be able to start a family.
I grew increasingly tired of being the responsible one and often found myself saying that I wanted a husband and got a kid instead. I was embarrassed and frustrated by his chronic forgetfulness. I turned in to a nag because I didn't know what else to do, I hated who I was becoming and he hated it too.
My husband also had emotional outbursts that ended in broken dishes and windows. He hated that I never wanted to have sex. I know sex is important, it was just so hard because I had so much anger and dissapointment. I wasn't happy, ever. I often said I felt alone, that my husband had left me holding the bag that was our life.
We started going to counseling after a big fight we had and I was working very hard to get through some of my bitterness and feelings of being abandoned. I really felt like the counseling was working and we were getting somewhere, our sex life was improving at least. He still forgot all the time, but I was willing to be patient and remember that not everything happens overnight. After 2 months of counseling and improvement I came home one night to find that he had left me. I was shocked, I thought we were working on this. It may not have been perfect but I had been working hard towards progress.
This was followed by 2 weeks of ugly fighting. Everything was my fault in his eyes. I cried, told him I was sorry, that I loved him and I wanted to work things out. He wanted me to take responsibility for everything and say that every problem in our marriage was my fault. He started believing that everyone was against him and I was the ring leader.
Eventually we managed to sit down in a room together. I apologized again for everything I had done wrong and to my surprised, he forgave me. Then, to my surprise, he did not want to give me an apology for anything....he still didn't feel he had done anything wrong. I told him I needed him to understand how his ADHD had hurt me and others around him, that I didn't think he could make any true change until he recognized the damage it does. He plainly said he just isn't sorry, and he'll call me when he is. But when? Ever?
I don't know what to do. People have told me he is emotionally abusive and I should leave, but I don't want to leave. I NEED an apology, I have been hurt for years and I NEED him to understand that intentionally or not he has hurt me deeply. I NEED him to want to change so badly that he is willing to make it a priority in his life. I feel like I will never get through to him, he doesn't even get how much he has hurt me. I feel so lost, and I feel like my marriage is slipping away from me. I love him, but I just can't keep doing this.