Not a good fit.

I very often feel that my ADD husband would be better off without being married to me.  Ten years of struggling with this disease and it never gets better and I only get worse.  I hate the person I've become.  I can clearly remember a time when I would never have imagined thinking or saying the things I say to my husband now out of frustration.  I am not nice to him.  It's so hard for me to put my anger and resentment aside enough to give him praise when he tries.  I can't be grateful for what little effort he puts forward.  All I ever think is that it's not enough, and maybe it never will be.  I am so used to being alone and dealing with everything on my own now, that I already feel like a single parent.  And I often wonder if maybe I wouldn't be happier.  I would have all the same responsibilities as I do now, but I wouldn't have to constantly worry about what he was doing, or not doing.  I could come home to the ocassionally messy house knowing that only I made it, and I will clean it up.  I wouldn't come home to a huge mess that just reappeared after I cleaned the house the day before.  I wouldn't have to worry about finances and what he was doing behind my back.  I would stop trying to get him to pay attention, or show interest in our lives, in making major decisions, or enjoying simple family time.  It would be so much less chaotic.  I wouldn't get frantic phone calls during the day at work when he was overwhelmed and couldn't take it anymore, and he wouldn't yell at the kids so much.  I often feel like he would be happier living on his own, doing whatever he wanted to do, not burdened by the family responsibilities he seems to resent so much.  I try to help over and over and over, but when it fails, I'm so devastated that all I can do is blame him, and yell.  This isn't fair to him or to me.  I love him and want our family to work, but I can't see myself surviving even another 10 years of this with any semblance of my former self intact.  I don't want to be mean to him and unsympathetic, but I can only do so much.  I need him to step up and take ownership of his ADD and start trying to make it better!  Not just listen while I spew what I've learned at him, or pretend like he's going to try some new technique.  He may have every intention of doing it, but five minutes later he's forgotten about it.  I feel like if he could own it, he could make it better, but he doesn't make managing his ADD a priority, but it dominates our lives.

List pros and cons

Make a few lists. (1) How has/does he treat me:   Nice Things and Mean Things  (2) What are the benefits of staying? How does he make my life better?  (3) What are the things I dread about staying?  (4) When I think about my life in five years WITH him, how do I feel?    (5) When I think about life in five years WITHOUT him, how do I feel?  (6) How much of his behavior is really within my control?

Your suspicions about being happier without him are probably right on target. And you would do well to look at how he is affecting YOU, rather than rationalizing about how you are affecting him. You need some control, ownership, and satisfaction in YOUR life too.

I feel for you.  You have

I feel for you.  You have described my life to a tee.  We have been married 30 years and it is not getting much better.

I thought I had written what

I thought I had written what you said...I mean we are of one mind...I read the list that was suggested for you to create and I think neither one of us even needs to write the answers. We already know the answers right? I am to the point where I dont know if I can handle 5 years. (in 5 years my youngest will go to college) I know that I am no longer me anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and I think all of the unhappiness is written all over my face and in my body. I can no longer think of myself as a pretty person, a good person, a person someone would want to be with. I have no desire to leave so I can 'start over' with another man. I know that my husband has gotten the best of me..in fact he has gotten everything I have to offer.

You mention frantic phone calls. That is the 1st time I have read someone else refer to something like that. My husband also calls me while I am at work - frantic - a bill is past due - a co worker has done something - whatever it is - it is a crisis. And the whole conversation is him spewing hateful tones and hatred towards me. Is that how it is for you?

 

I to feel like I blame him and am nagging - I have tried to talk rationally too - no matter the way it is presented - his reaction is always the same. He doesnt look at me when I talk to him. Often he is so defensive he storms off accusing me of all there is to blame.

I dont know what to do either..I want it all behind me...I want it to be over.