"Not now"

After reading and learning, on this site and others, I understand the whole "now, not now" time frame ADDers operate from...

What I don't understand is how to live with it!?!?!?!

For example:

When it comes to wishing to sit down and talk to my ADD partner about something I would approach him and say, "could we please sit down and talk about x?" and his response is, "can we not talk about his right now?! I don't want to talk about his right now!". So ok, I wait and approach him about it again later or in 2 weeks and the response will be the same, except now I'm nagging him to talk! :/

When it comes to asking my ADD partner for help I'd approach him and say, "could you please help me carry this thing upstairs as it is too heavy and awkward for me to carry alone?" and his response is, "can we do it later... I don't feel like doing that right now!". I'll ask him again later or in 2 weeks and the response is the same, except now he's annoyed or I'm nagging him... again. :/

Bill payments are the same... I will email him a request to email me the money for a bill I already paid and he will just ignore my email request or else if I send another he will tell me he'll pay later, when he wants to! But I'm still out the money and he's got tons more to get by on than I do---he just doesn't want to part with it. He says its a "mind" thing and that he can only pay it when he's ready... :/ (must be nice)

How on earth do I find the patience to sit with the unresolved issues he leaves me with by not talking to me, or helping me out or doing his share?

I know if he and I were watching a movie where this was going on in the actors relationship, he'd think it was wrong and think the guy was a jerk! So how does he justify it in his own life/mind???

Oh, and as for example above with regards to the heavy thing I couldn't lift... I ended up asking someone else to come over and help me (as I would if my partner were not in my life at all) and my partner got upset with me and said, "why didn't you just wait for *me* to help you with that? I said *I* would help you!!!" He said this right in front of the person who took the time to come over to help me do it! :/ Luckily my family knows what he's like and they don't feel duped by his sly comments...

Now, I know it's wrong to think he's manipulative and just pushing my buttons as I've read this "now, not now" time frame is pretty standard ADD stuff... But how do you all deal with the repercussions (emotional or otherwise) this "now, not now" time frame brings about? 

I just feel like primal screaming... but I know that's not the right answer. lol

I wish I had an answer for

I wish I had an answer for you. I think that this is a common issue for the non ADDer. I know that I run into this issue alot! Our counsoler suggests that as a couple we put together a list of 3 things from each of us that are issues to work on with an example of what happens - this must be done together. Well we met every other week and I have tried to bring this up twice in the 8 days as our session is coming up.  First time was "can we talk about a couple of things before the kids get back home?" Which was about 45min, which would have been enough time to at least get started if not finished. "Sure, in a minute I just need to finish this up" He was on the computer checking some sports website. Well, the kids got back home and we never spoke.  Then this morning (while the kids were still asleep) I mention that our session is coming up and we need to work on our list of issues - his reply was "did we need to do that" "Oh, yes guess I remember something like that." "So here's some options about our upcoming date night, what do you think about this....." Never came back to the issues and never picked what to do for date night.  Due to a number of outside influences my frustration levels are very high and I am keeping myself on a very short leash (so to speak) so I don't over react and relapse to the nagging, ect ways that I used to have. The problem is that I feel as though I am not resolving anything and that makes me angry/sad and I don't know how to move forward with this. I really hope that you and your other will be able to work this issue out.  I'll be thinking about you. :) 

Do you think it would help to

Do you think it would help to e-mail him? To me, the key here is finding a way to communicate with him. Don't let him off so easy. Just tell him "we really need to get this list done that the counselor told us to work on...I have made my list...can we talk about it or would you like for me to just leave it here for you to see (write it down, of course) or can I e-mail it? I need your input on this, it is a joint project that I cannot do alone, so you tell me what works best for you. What would make it easier for you, but still help me get your input?" Something like that. Where I would fall on this one is I would give him the list and say 'these are my suggestions/input/ideas' and tell him to come up with his own and have them ready when you go back to counseling. "Remind" him a couple of days before...then the day before..then the night before..if necessary. I know it sucks, constantly reminding, but whatever. If he shows up at counseling with no ideas and you show up ready to hear his and with your input and ideas then he'll have to be held accountable to the counselor. Our counselor holds us accountable to HER for a lot of stuff...which takes the pressure off of me to hold him accountable and him to hold me accountable. Maybe that is something you could suggest.

I have found that they will AVOID conversations for dear life, but this does not mean they aren't capable of having them. Stop letting his non-participation be an option. Whether he's held accountable to you or someone else, he needs to be held accountable and he needs to PARTICIPATE in his marriage.

My husband used to fuss and cuss about me sending him rambling e-mails because I felt like he never heard anything I had to say..so it was my way of 'feeling' validated and heard...although it really changed nothing and only served to piss him off.

If you're looking for his input on date night, don't. If he won't give it, then just tell him you're making plans and make plans. I know SOOO many people complain about this sort of thing, but to me it's just not even worth fighting over. Look on the bright side, you won't end up ALWAYS doing what he wants. I enjoy our date nights, but 99% of the time they are focused around things he wants to do/likes to do (things I enjoy too, but would enjoy other things more) because I just don't fight that battle anymore. I have a good time, we get some time together alone, that's the point..right? He hates going to movies. I LOVE going to movies. We never go to movies. Fine. I can live with it. My kids love to go...so I go with them. I have managed to drag him to the drive-in a few times this summer...so he's getting there.

After reading your post - I

After reading your post - I will give him one more reminder this week and then back away.  I already have my list completed and will be ready for the meeting even if he isn't.  His M.O. is usually wait until the last possible second and then wing it - I can't operate that way - it will prove to be interesting.  He will be held accountable by the counselor, which is better than by me - then Im not put into the Mommy/Nagging Wife role.  Thank you for your comments - they are always helpful. 

It was funny though, the comment on date night. It is actually his job (by the counselor) to plan and set up date night as a sign that our relationship is important, ect.  But what was so interesting is that every date night has been about what HE wants to do.  So much to the point that there have been moments where I wonder if me being there is noticed or not, since he is enjoying the event so much.  So yes, I will start to give imput on what we do so that I am doing something that I enjoy. Interesting now, that I am typing this out, is dawned on me that one of his complaints was that we have nothing in common - he really isn't interested in finding a common interest - but just us doing what he is interested in. Huh, now there's something to think about.


The movies - we used to love to watch movies! We would watch 2 or 3 a night, esp during the winter months.  Last weekend we tried to watch a movie at home - he fidgeted, got up to get water, played with the dog, read the newspaper, used the restroom, that was asking "who is that" "why did he do that" "I thought he was the bad guy" "Are you sure he's the good guy - because I don't think he is" Finally, after 15 min I couldn't take it anymore - I offered to switch the movie to one that we had watched years ago - he did manage to make it through that one.  Maybe sitting still for 2 hours is just to much for the ADD mind to handle? Anyway, like you, I will stick with going to the movies with my 7 year old she sits still, pays attention to the movie and doesn't need to use the restroom until after the movie is done - LOL!

I had to smile when I read your comment about avoiding conversations for dear life - so true! That is a huge topic that our counselor is working on with him - it will be a tough one for him. 

Exactly..doing everything you

Exactly..doing everything you can to disconnect yourself from a situation that is about 90% sure to cause you to be frustrated (trying to get him to do his list) is vital. It is hard to just let go, but you must. It sucks because it is actually an effort to HELP your marriage that he's avoiding, but maybe your counselor can come up with a better approach. Personally, I think these things should be worked out in counseling..it isn't very hard to come up with 3 things off the top of your head that you'd like to work on. At least one. Surely he can come up with one. It would be a start. Typically, knowing what the problems are in a marriage isn't the issue, knowing how to resolve them is. Just not worth you stressing over and putting the "job" of making him do his list, coordinating with him, and trying to have a meaningful conversation on YOU is a bad idea.

I am not sure what to do about date night issue...is there really nothing you both enjoy doing? We typically either go to dinner and then to a comedy club. I would LOVE to do dinner and a movie. Maybe your counselor would agree to let you pick alternating nights so that you're at least doing something you like occasionally. My husband and I have a lot in common, but he would rather do things that center around a huge crowd, drinking, etc. (he still drinks occasionally..maybe once every 2-3 months) I enjoy it, but would like to skip that scene and go to the movies occasionally.

My husband can sit and watch movies at home NO PROBLEM. He'll actually get frustrated if he gets interrupted. He can lay in bed or sit on the couch and watch TV for HOURS..so that's not his issue with GOING to the movies. Not sure what it is other than he just doesn't like it.

I would make sure that the counselor understands that you're not able to negotiate with your husband right now on things and ask him/her to help you by taking the responsibility off of you. Eventually, you'll be able to do this better outside of counseling..but if he's in the mind frame that everything that comes out of your mouth re: your marriage is "nagging" then you're not going to be able to win for losing and it'll only cause more problems. It killed me, but I kept about a weeks worth of him "picking" at me to myself and brought it up in counseling. He's always open and communicative in counseling. I did lose my patience and just cried and cried the night before counseling...but I just told him it had been a long, busy week and I missed him. This was true, but there was more to it and I saved it for counseling so that I didn't risk saying it in a way that would do more harm that help.

I hear ya, Sista!

That really annoys me.  It's fine for him to be impulsive and spontaneous but if I want to be spontaneous there's, like, an internal melt-down.  "Ah... can't we do that tomorrow?"  Takes him some time to get his head around a new idea.  I'm subject to his whims but he's not flexible enough for mine.

We get up early for the gym a few mornings a week and this morning he actually laughed at me for suggesting we go watch the sunrise. It was a clear morning, there are usually clouds on the horizon.  "Why is that funny?" I asked, to which he replied, "Because we'd miss the gym."  Ah... yup.  True.  You can't really plan-ahead with a clear sky though.  We go to the gym all the time and it'll always be there.  We could have exercised on the beach in the morning light.  Whatever.  Suck it up.  Eh, Princess?