I once was a person who was elected for leadership on committees and held leading parts in school plays and was active in forensics and a cheerleader. Over the years, I seem to have lost my voice. My voice and demeanor is now compromising and servile. I shame myself and criticize myself and put myself in the shadows of others. I am trying to grow and mature and heal and looking for words and ideology of what happened to me so I can take small steps. I was surfing the internet today and found an article that zeroed in on what I was looking for. Here is what I read and it was helpful to me:
"Do you ever look around and think, “Wow, I could have done so much better.” If you answered yes, then you may be facing a loss of power in your relationship. When we have low self-esteem or low self-worth, we very often settle for partners who we know won’t fulfill us. It’s a form of self-punishment, but it can leave us trapped in dangerous and toxic situations with people who take our voice from us…and even our joy."
H is who he is and I am accepting that he is like that. I will find my strong voice but I will strive to keep it kind and keep my dignity. That will be my work. To speak up and to be aware of the dynamics and responses. To acknowledge myself for each encounter where my words and my voice remain strong and dignified.
I am working on me now. I am stopping working on/with him.
The article can be found searching: "You have no voice in your relationship" on the medium.com site.
Im pleased for you
Submitted by Elliej on
Hello
Im pleased you are focussing on yourself and how to find your happiness in the relationship. Many times people in ADHD/non ADHD relationships loose their voice. When i started to speak up, the arguments intensified as it triggered his rejection sensitivity. I wish you luck with everything.
Healing
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There was a time in my relationship when I thought "I don't even like myself anymore!" And I see partners - both with and without ADHD who, in their struggles, have decided against advocating for themselves with a partner and, also, stopped feeling as if they deserved the time they need to be compassionate towards themselves.
You have been in an unexpected and hurtful situation for a long time. I'm delighted to hear that you are going to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. That is where the healing begins! And I like your approach of remaining respectful, but also being yourself. (You would likely feel badly about yourself in a different way if you were aggressive with your partner...). I urge you to reflect upon your core values as a person; upon your worth as a person (you ARE worthy of loving yourself and taking care of yourself!) and what you want from your life, each and every day. Have the courage to say 'yes' to yourself, and to look for the positives around you.
You, ultimately, are only in charge of you...make your life sing!
Being ourselves....
Submitted by c ur self on
I found one of the hardest things to do after I married was to continue to be at peace with who I was, to just be me...After several years of looking at how that happened, and making strides (like yourself) to heal from that lost and incomplete feeling...I realized the power for that was in me...But, because of the intrusive living of life that I was dealing with, (a high level add mind, among other things, and all that comes with that) my life became more like a panic filled drowning man, than one who is safely walking along the shore line...When we share the same space daily with someone who takes no real thought or ownership of the intrusiveness and effects of their words, and actions, we can find ourselves on eggshells, (like I was for years)...Searching for a way to share in life together in unity out of love and respect for one another...So when the outbursts start, and the laziness and refusal for the simple mundane of life, and we are constantly confronted with a desire for control and manipulation by a self absorbed mind, we become overwhelmed in our minds and emotions, and we can easily lose ourselves....I was on eggshells most all the time in those early years...I didn't understand boundaries in marriage!...I only understood love and respect and being one...Sharing in life is what I knew...Me being me, isn't a competition to my love and faithfulness to my wife....But she will try to make it that when she could not get her way (control), I had to be wiser, and stronger....I had gotten away from what I knew about God's word, and his role for me as his son, and as a husband to my wife....I had to set boundaries to not engage in words and behaviors that was void of mutual respect as human beings, and only lead to conflict...When a person is pressing another person for their own selfish desires, the out come will always result in dysfunction...(being used, conflict, intrusiveness, abuse)...When a husband or wife, can't hear, can't respect, can't acknowledge simple differences of opinions, (likes, dislikes) and care, then they can't experience healthy communication....
That may have been the hardest reality for me to come to grips with the past 15 years....
It's good to hear from you Jenna, many blessings....
c