So, my wife and I have been arguing much less often. In fact - hardly at all. And, we have been having more quality time together. We both remarked on this yesterday - that we are enjoying that we are getting along better. This morning, she said "So, why do you think we have been getting along so well. Have you been trying harder? I said - Yes. She said she wasn't doing anything differently. And I think she was about to ask me what I was doing differently. And I wasn't sure how to answer that, so I said - I really don't want to talk about this right now. She said "Hmmmmm." My guess is she will ask about it again tonight or tomorrow.
Anyway - my perception of why we are not fighting is this: I couldn't stand the frequent, terrible shouting matches we were having. So NOT fighting was my number one goal. What I have been doing is concentrating on changing MY behavior when I feel myself getting angry - such as detaching for the moment (e.g. letting her go on and on about something but not really listening to her when I am too tired to "work" at redirecting the conversationk, or picking up MY iPhone and playing a game or checking my email while SHE goes on and on about something), choosing to just let whatever I am angry about just "slide," leaving the situation and bringing it up later - and when/if she doesn't "get it" just dropping it, or if it WAS important enough to not just forget it - communicating to her in email, etc. That, plus spending more time apart by getting together with friends of mine who I know can give me their undivided attention. Plus being intentional about getting my wife to schedule quality time with me. Plus, selectively taking on some of the things my wife was responsible for and not doing so as not to get angry at her for NOT doing them. Plus, just ignoring her when SHE spouts off things that would have gotten me angry in the past. Plus, when SHE seems to be getting angry, asking her if she will lower her voice (to which she usually replies - I'm NOT yelling!). Plus, learning new responses, like being totally willing to take seperate cars so I don't have to get mad at her for being late. Plus I have been using this forum. Etc. Etc.
My dilemma is that I feel like if I share these "tactics" with her she will feel insulted, get defensive, feel like I have "lowered" my standards, think I still see her as "the problem" etc.
So, when she asks what I have been doing so that we don't fight, I am not sure how to best respond.