So, my wife and I have been arguing much less often. In fact - hardly at all. And, we have been having more quality time together. We both remarked on this yesterday - that we are enjoying that we are getting along better. This morning, she said "So, why do you think we have been getting along so well. Have you been trying harder? I said - Yes. She said she wasn't doing anything differently. And I think she was about to ask me what I was doing differently. And I wasn't sure how to answer that, so I said - I really don't want to talk about this right now. She said "Hmmmmm." My guess is she will ask about it again tonight or tomorrow.
Anyway - my perception of why we are not fighting is this: I couldn't stand the frequent, terrible shouting matches we were having. So NOT fighting was my number one goal. What I have been doing is concentrating on changing MY behavior when I feel myself getting angry - such as detaching for the moment (e.g. letting her go on and on about something but not really listening to her when I am too tired to "work" at redirecting the conversationk, or picking up MY iPhone and playing a game or checking my email while SHE goes on and on about something), choosing to just let whatever I am angry about just "slide," leaving the situation and bringing it up later - and when/if she doesn't "get it" just dropping it, or if it WAS important enough to not just forget it - communicating to her in email, etc. That, plus spending more time apart by getting together with friends of mine who I know can give me their undivided attention. Plus being intentional about getting my wife to schedule quality time with me. Plus, selectively taking on some of the things my wife was responsible for and not doing so as not to get angry at her for NOT doing them. Plus, just ignoring her when SHE spouts off things that would have gotten me angry in the past. Plus, when SHE seems to be getting angry, asking her if she will lower her voice (to which she usually replies - I'm NOT yelling!). Plus, learning new responses, like being totally willing to take seperate cars so I don't have to get mad at her for being late. Plus I have been using this forum. Etc. Etc.
My dilemma is that I feel like if I share these "tactics" with her she will feel insulted, get defensive, feel like I have "lowered" my standards, think I still see her as "the problem" etc.
So, when she asks what I have been doing so that we don't fight, I am not sure how to best respond.
How to reply to your wife
Submitted by plantlover on
I can understand your dilemma. If my husband started noticing changes, he'd want to know what I was doing. And, yes, he'd be offended as you suspect your wife would be. I think I'd keep it simple and say that "I got tired of fighting so much and realized that I could make some changes to see things differently and choose to react differently. I like that we're not fighting as much." Such a short response probably won't satisfy her, but she won't want to hear all the things you're doing because of the things she does that challenge you and your peace of mind. Good luck.
a short response
Submitted by Clarity on
would certainly satisfy my ADD husband especially if I kept it light and agreed with him. Over the years I've learned how to be very careful in how I choose my words as to not offend him or make anything seems as if it's his fault. I guess I keep things vague and politically correct. It has helped with the fighting but, I know I'm orchestrating our conversations just to keep them level and I don't feel any closer to him. It's gotten to be a given to know he is going to be angry or combative and I'm just detached. Doesn't feel like a real relationship.
Me Too
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Damn, Clarity, we seem to be on the same page right now. I'm getting tired of having to carefully choose my words so as not to get her defensiveness up because of her low self-esteem. It's so often much easier just ignore her and/or not to say anything, but that doesn't really work, does it? And I have to say, I don't find it enjoyable to have to act like that around someone.
same page
Submitted by Clarity on
same story I guess. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to fight this battle on my own only to have him laugh at or make fun of all my effort. Maybe he knows it's useless and maybe that's how he wants it. I feel certain he would forget about me soon enough. Darn. I was hoping for more on this website but it is good to know I'm not the only one in this kind of situation.
practice makes perfect
Submitted by arwen on
Hoping, I know how you feel, "not enjoyable" is an understatement. But if it's any consolation, it does get easier with time.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore