This is the first time I have ever been able to talk to anyone who might understand what I am going through. I am so relieved and yet, so frustrated that it has gotten to this point. I'm sure all of you on here understand what I mean by that. I met my Husband 6 years ago, we lived together for 4 years and then got married and had 2 boys. I knew about 6 months into the relationship that he had issues with depression and anxiety. I was sympathetic because I had suffered from it also, so even though our relationship was struggling I wanted to be supportive. About 3 years later he was diagnosed with ADHD and started to take medication for it.
The last few years have been very difficult. I have noticed that especially if my husband forgets to take his meds or purposely doesn't take them, he becomes intolerable. He makes jokes that are not even close to funny, and tells me I'm boring if I don't laugh. He mocks my children and I when he becomes angry or frustrated. For example, If the baby cries when he is in one of his "moods" he will become aggravated and will loudly imitate the baby's cry, making him cry more. When I confront him on it he uses the excuse that he can't stand listening to it. I've tried to rationalize with him but he acts as if he has done nothing wrong. He constantly blows up about nothing, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells with him. The reason I decided to look for support is I just can't figure out what is considered "normal" with someone who has ADHD. I don't know how far he can go without going too far. Tonight we had an argument when he picked our puppy up by the head because he had an accident on the floor. He did not seem to realize that it could hurt him, at least I don't think he did. I got angry and told him he needed to start thinking a little bit harder before he acted and that I thought it might be best if we got rid of the puppy and did not have any more dogs. The argument escalated and he started to mock me as I was telling you he did. He was on his way up to bed and said, "Goodnight, Stacy! So I said, "Goodnight, 'John'!" After that all the way up the stairs he repeated what I said, mimicking me in a not-so-flattering way, and laughing about it. Even opening the bedroom door a few times to repeat the behavior trying to "get to me" and laughing. I honestly find this behavior disturbing. I don't know what to do, I am hurt and frustrated by his behavior. He takes a lot of his aggressions out on me, the kids and our family pets. And the worst is when he seems to find this behavior humorous most of the time. I really need suggestions and I need to know if this is a normal part of ADHD or maybe something else. And if anyone is going through the same thing. HELP!
same behavior
Submitted by ccompton on
I could've written that about my husband! I don't know if the behavior is from ADD or not but my husband does the same things to me. He says that I don't have a sense of humor. He mimic's me in front of the children - the older one's do that sometimes now. It is disheartening. He doesn't know why I am so soft-skinned about it either - why on earth would my feelings be hurt when he is just joking? He makes fun of the things I do. It is horrible. I have decided to take a stand against this. I cannot make him stop it. I just have to know in my head that there is not anything wrong with me. Most everyone I know truly likes me - can't say the same for him. It is like dealing with a 5th grader.
I totally understand where you are coming from.
Submitted by tser_80 on
I can't tell you how relieved I am to know that I am not alone. I was starting to feel so alone coping with my husbands behavior. I have to say first of all that until I met my husband I had never had a verbal or physical confrontation with anyone in my previous relationships. But after awhile of putting up with him telling me I had no sense of humor, telling me I was fat, or comparing me to people he disliked, I had enough. I started to get a "Show him how it feels" attitude. I started to do the same things to him. Unfortunately, it just made things worse and made our arguments escalte out of control and it has gotten physical a couple of times. So please be careful, standing up for yourself is good, I guess I just haven't figured out a way to do this withought making things worse. And you are right, I don't know how many times I have told him to stop acting like an 8 year old. Sometimes I feel like I have 3 children instead of 2 children and a husband. It has made for a very awkward love life thats for sure. Sometimes at night when I am laying next to him, I look at him while he is sleeping and think about his behavior throughout the day and I get a sick feeling and wonder why I am with him. I do love him, but I contemplate whether or not I want my children to grow up in this environment. My children are still young, but I know in time they will probably do exactly what yours are doing now. And I feel so helpless, as I am sure you do, because I don't know how to stop it from happening. I really don't want to lose my family over this.
My severely ADHD husband did
Submitted by Jeannie on
My severely ADHD husband did this mimicking behavior. It would often come out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation. Sometimes it would come out if I asked him to do something or stop doing something. He only did it during the last 5-10 years of our marriage. It seemed like his irrational and scary-odd behaviors escalated the older he got. (Behaviors beyond being absent-minded or hyperfocusing.) I find it interesting that others with ADHD have this behavior. I found this behavior extremely annoying and frustrating. It was like I was dealing with a child, yet he was over 50 years old. I also knew once he started it, that was the end of our conversation.
Same here
Submitted by Almost Over Now on
My unmedicated ADHD husband would also mock me by mimicking what I said, with plenty of heavy sarcasm. Sometimes he would start muttering under his breath what sounded like a stream of obscenities and threats but just quiet enough that I couldn't quite be sure of what I heard, and when I'd ask him what he said, he'd laugh and sneer with "You'll see, baby," or "Wouldn't you like to know?"
Sometimes he'd just out-and-out threaten violence against the whole world. Talk about blowing up buildings or joining some random insurgent group and martyring himself somewhere. It was so crazy and disturbing, it scared the bejeezus out of me. And then after he'd cool down, he'd apologize and say he was "just letting off steam."
Needless to say, I'm divorcing him now.
This isn't normal....
Submitted by ginniebean on
I have ADHD and under no circumstances would I treat anyone like this. I've seen small children behave in this way but never a grown adult. This kind of behaviour is disturbing as he's mistreating a small child. That he mocks you and a little baby means he needs to get some serious help. ADHD can't excuse this kind of behaviour and frankly no way could I live with it. I feel terrible for you for having to put up with such obnoxious behaviour. I can't imagine why he would do it or why anyone over 12 would.
Is there no way you can speak with him rationally about this? Are you ever able to speak rationally with him? These behaviours are about anger and aggression and to a large degree are a display of contempt. Is it possible that he's feeling super defensive?
The reason I ask all these questions is I have no idea if you want to save this relationship or ditch it. If you do want to save it new communication methods have to be found perhaps written communication if verbal is too laced with acrimony. Marraige councelling that focuses specifically on communication may or may not be an option. There are also a lot of websites that can give you a lot of advice on how to communicate effectively with a spouse. If not, then prepare yourself and move forward with dignity.