Typical back story of adhd relationship. I was diagnosed just over a year ago. About 8.5ish years into a marraige ravaged by undiagnosed adhd. My wife looks at me with a mixture of hate / coldness. I am constantly being called names. Im told that i am a failure, worthless and at this point only good for a paycheck. Constant fighting, that ends with me crying because"im too emotional". Im always reminded that i personally and single handedly ruined the marraige/ her life. Im told that i am the only one to blame here, and when i try to bring up something that i learned that involves a symptom of adhd, then i am accused of making excuses for being a horrible husband. Literally notba day goes by that i dont get yelled at. Im still getting yelled out for things in the first month of marraige. I know that none of you know me so you cannot trust that im not lying. I understand that. However, I would like to describe some of the ways that i am a horrible husband. Before I found the pills that make me act more human and not like a worthless piece of crap, I forgot to do things like take out the trash. I didnt notice things like the fridge being full. I would spend alllll day "cleaning" doing small things in each room that made noo impact. And then i would LIE and say i spent all day cleaning. Also i would LIE to her everytime i talked to her. I lied about how much I cared. And gave terrible examples of showing her i care like how hard i tried to clean. But it was clearly a lie because i knew exactly how to clean the right way..but i didnt. Obviously a bit of sarcasm. I literally HATE myself. Because i am not strong enough or smart enough, i made my best friend and beautiful wife hate me. To the point that she doesnt care that she treats me this way in front of my children.... I literally Hate myself because im not good enough for the only women that matters to me. Literally at this point i can honestly say that i have spent every day of my marraige in hell. Not because of her ,but because of me. I will never understand how I can spend every moment of every day doing everything i can to change myself to be what she wants. I can honestly say that i work harder than anyone i personally know to keep her from leaving and taking my kids. I have two jobs. I cook ,i clean, laundry, take great care of my girls...and have done these things from day one. The thing is obviously people with this curse dont often do normal everyday human tasks the "right way" or godforbid blame memory problems on my Adhd. Im an adult which means i should be an adult regardless of adhd ( which even though she knows i have it she doesnt think it matters) All of that being said. I do infact believe the reason im a worthless husband is because of my adhd... however i guess im not allowed to be forgiven no matter what the reason/(excuse).. in no way do i blame her. I love her more than she can even fathom.. she believes that because of all that i have done (or not done).. that i dont care , and to claim that theres somethings that were out of my control (before pills) makes me even worse because im not taking responsibility for my actions. To which i reply.. going to thearpy and seeking help and taking pills to make you like me ... isnt taking responsibility???? Im pretty sure if i didnt think it was my fault..then i wouldnt do all of this.. not to mention. All of these things are my idea.. i decided that i was the prob and to seek help. I feel soo hopeless. I literally do everything i can for my family. But between being born male /adhd fall short every day. I live in constant fear that she will leave and take my girls.. i cannot lose them. I know this is not her fault. I just dont know what to do because everyday im told how bad and stupid and worthless i am.. im treated as if i was a cheater/ abuser. When in reality im guilty of being consistantly inconsistant. And not doing things "the right way" excuse or not my undiagnosed adhd has made me look lazy, stupid ... like i didnt care and like a liar.. i now spend every day doing what i can to be something different than i was born. I love my wife and wish she could see past my curse and see the guy who suffers every day to be the man i wantbto be with her.. pretty hopeless these days. :(
I dont want it to sound like im talking badly about my wife .. shes a good person and an great mother.. i turned her into this. Im looking for anything im missing to bring us back to a loving relationship.. ive read tons of books and weve been to counseling.. but im still an idiot and cant seem to be fixed. P.s. sorry its soo long and wordy and misspelled ans whiney.. thx for reading.