Not sure what to do...so I'm writing

My husband, who has ADD just called me while i am at work...crying his heart out.  He starts off by complaining that everything he touches turns to sh*t, nothing is working right, I'm not there for him, his kids don't want to be around him, I don't understand him, he feels fat...you name it....he was crying about it.  So, i am not entirely sure how I should feel about this, nor what I should do.  this isn't the first time he's broken down like this, but it is the first time while sober.  He's in counseling, he has a psychiatrist, I'm in counseling, and we're both in couples counseling.  We are all counseled up!  My dilemma?  I don't know if I can or try to soothe him.  what he's wanting I just can not give. 

My mom moved in with us when we had our first son, and we pay her instead of a day care.  Long story short, everyone that has come into our home for a short stay, a visit, or long period of time, my husband has had a problem with.  I will not put our youngest in day care until he can talk.  this of course is saying to my husband 'i don't care how you feel because i am going to do what I want to do'.  that is so not how i feel, but there are somethings in life that I just can't budge on and that's one of them.  I've offered to stop working in the next year to be at home with the baby, at the time, the hubby agreed.  now from day to day, his mind changes.

i really don't know if I can help him....and at what point is enough enough?  It has been one extreme to another.  he's at home crying uncontrollably like an infant, and I am here at work.  Am i thinking about his pain?  Ummmm, no.  I'm thinking about the fact that our oldest is around him and seeing him cry.  i am worried about the affect this will have on our son.  yes i love my husband, but to be honest...in the past he's used these same tactics to have me give in to what it was he was needing at the time.  My husband even took pills (not enough to do anything...although i didn't know it at the time), just to make me hurt the way he was!!!!  OMG, are you serious? 

He is an emotional wreck and roller coaster of a ride with him.  he equates sex to my love for him...when he doesn't get it, it's me telling him that i don't love him.  that's so not the case.  however, I can not engage in romantic things with him when i am upset with him.  Sorry but i am not a porn star on the internet (which he likes to frequent) that is ready at the click of a mouse.

Ughhhh, I'm not sure what I am wanting from posting this..maybe just a listening ear?  a cyber shoulder to lean on? a cyber hug? or simply someone who understands what it is that the non-ADD spouse encounters.

(((((((((((((((((((BIG CYBER

(((((((((((((((((((BIG CYBER HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

The only advice I can give you, dealing with my own roller coaster of ups and downs is to try and not think too much about it or read too much into it...because if he is like my husband (ADHD) he can be that way one minute and literally five minutes later it is as if the meltdown/conversation never happened and he's fine. Our counselor describes things like this as "pressure release valves" and just something they need to do to decompress so that they don't explode. Don't offer him solutions or advice. Just simply say "I'm sorry you're having a bad day" and LISTEN.

It could be a sign that he's heading for trouble though...or that the counseling is working (really making him face some tough stuff)...just mention it next time in counseling and maybe he'll be better able to explain what he was feeling, what led up to his meltdown.

No, you can't fix him..you're right..and if you feel it's being used to manipulate you all the more reason to 'just listen' and nothing more.

(((HUGS)))

Sherri

Keturah's picture

Thanks Sherri

OMG..... yesterday....maybe 2-3 hours after the crying episode, he was back to his normal self (normal being a real stretch).  He carried on as if nothing had ever happened.  I asked was he okay?  he said yes.  Wow, this disease is really exhausting the the individual and the spouse/partners.

 

Thanks for the hugs....I sure as heck needed them!

Yes..yes it is. I go through

Yes..yes it is. I go through this about once a week...there is always at least one day a week of 'crisis' like this. This week it was the servers getting hacked at his work and when I woke up to find him still awake (had been up all night) I asked how things were going and the first thing I heard from him that day was "I am going to get fired over this. It is so bad" etc. I worried all day. Went to class worried sick. When I asked what his boss had said about it "nothing". "nothing at all?" "nope". ???

At 5 o'clock he says "well, not going to lose my job over it, he (boss) is more worried about the e-mail stuff than he is this" HE HADN'T EVEN TOLD HIS BOSS UNTIL JUST THEN!!! He goes on to talk about the whole experience, the hackers, and used the words "fun" and "challenge" when referring to the ordeal. I felt like someone punched me in the gut all day and he is calling it FUN? A challenge???!! I said "do you remember the first thing you said to me this morning?" and he did. "oh I was worried" he said. I said "please don't use words like that when I have been worried sick all day" and I literally told him "just keep your damn job until I can get out of school...and then if you want to sit home and pick your ass and bake muffins, fine...but just keep your damn job until then!!"

By that point I was emotionally exhausted and felt so run over by him that I just sat down and cried. It is always something like this almost weekly. I can't NOT worry about him losing his job when I know there are things he's doing that make me wonder how he's kept it this long. (i.e. not getting things done his boss wants, leaving work early, going in late, etc) I almost feel sometimes that he does this intentionally...because he knows that it is one of my greatest fears. I don't know if he's truly paranoid about it all the time too and wants to have some  company in his misery or if he just does it without even thinking. He knows I am worried all day though...and just simply continues to do it over and over. Why? :( Was it really necessary to start my day with "I'm going to get fired over this"?

Maybe someday we'll be able to disconnect from it, see it for what it is, and just go on about our business without letting it beat us up emotionally.