Not sure who I am...

I'm not sure exactly where to post this but just reading some of the other posts on here today have been helpful and I need a place to vent....

We've never really addressed ADHD specifically for my spouse but one of her kids has been diagnosed with it. In any case I do recognize some of the characteristics mentioned in some other posts. Some background... We met over six years ago, she had four kids and had been through an abusive relationship for a number of years. The two older kids (now 17 and 15) were from one relationship and the younger two (now 12 and 14) were from her ex husband. They were not officially divorced when we met, that did happen but it took a couple years into our relationship. Our relationship started out as many that I've read about here, fast furious and full of everything we were both looking for. So fast in fact that we ended up getting pregnant three months in and were both very happy about it. I truly love all our kids and there has been some growing pains but we have all come through those fairly well. Trust has been hard to establish but there is no doubt it is there now. We finally got married this past year, mostly because I wanted to wait until I felt the kids were comfortable with me but my commitment has been there from the beginning.

Early on I attributed much her anger to getting over the past. I was supportive and always told her how much I love her. At times I would tell her just that, "I love you" and here immediate response would be "say it again now". That was why I so often though her need for constant reassurance was from past insecurities created from the bad relationship. She was always worried that I was cheating, or would find someone better. This was at time frustrating because I was constantly asking myself how long it was going to take for her to feel comfortable. Only recently have I started to think more that some of her actions are due to ADHD in some form. She was never good about taking care of her responsibilities, even things like paying bills. She would forget to pay them and then frantically call and complain when services were shut off. If I offered to take care of things she would say that I was stepping no her independence. She would agree to take kids somewhere and it would never happen. Even with our ADHD child we agreed to get him to a counselor but got mad at me when I suggested someone specific, it never happened. We even agreed to try and spend more individual time with him and I did but she never did and I gave up because I felt like the only side that would follow through. Needless to say I developed a lot of anger from this and other similar instances. 

No doubt that I am at fault for how this anger started to come out in me, ways that are very bad both to myself and the family. I would lose control and throw things, hit walls, and things of that nature. Never did I hurt anyone other than myself but these were things I had never done before in my life. I became very aware that I was losing myself and most importantly becoming a negative person in the lives of the kids, something that frightened me very much. I started to reexamine what was causing this level of anger and come to the conclusion that a lot of it stemmed from my feeling unable to rely on her. We would agree to something and then she would forget the next day. She'd tell me how she wanted to discipline a child and get mad at me for following though with exactly what she wanted. We'd talk about doing a specific thing financially and then she'd do the opposite behind me without saying anything further. I have stopped the anger but it has morphed into me crying constantly. Staying up at night just sobbing uncontrollably. 

We recently addressed some of these issues and I told her that it was really time with her that would help the situation, I do truly believe that. We again agreed to making dinner together the next night and turning off the TV to spend even just a half hour together before bed. Unfortunately the next day she found something else to do instead of cook with me and wanted to watch her show instead of what we had discussed. I really do just want a loving and open relationship but she says that we talk about things too much and she just wants to "veg" instead. 

I guess I'm curious about how to react to the whole thing better. There are so many of you that have posted with hopeful outlooks on their relationships. I want to make things better and stop this downward spiral of sadness. I want to be able to react better to these kinds of things but I wonder where does it leave a relationship when any discussion about real action is ignored or forgotten. How do I allow myself to love her for who she is and at the same time run a family and household with so many needs? How can I go about expressing my love for her and actually being able to take part in her life just as much? And as I see it most importantly, how do I bring up the subject of her following through with something being a possible symptom of ADHD and not have it turn into a further jump to her feeling like I'm just accusing her of being a "bad person"? That's where so many things have gone in the past and I'm looking for something better, not just more of the same.

angryandnowsad,

I love the fact you mentioned"WE"got pregnant,most men even non ADHD men are not so dedicated to children and " think"that because they did not carry the child it's not their responsibility,"KEEP IT UP"your caring is very heart touching to me where kids is concern.Anyhow, I am married to my ADHD husband for over a year now and one thing you would learn is that most of them, ADHD go in to denial of their ADHD problem.My advice to you is to read up on ADHD and the effects of it get "Melissa Orlov" books on ADHD and educate yourself on ADHD and that would help you..goodluck! from:lovehurtsalotwithanger.

So after a few weeks

So after a few weeks I've continued to read the blogs and also been through about half of Melissa's book. I can say that it's given me a much better perspective about how to view both the positive and not so positive things in myself, my wife and our marriage. I'm really trying to do a better job at being positive and giving the successes the credit due. I can say that it has been difficult to talk about it with my wife, I think that will come in time but so far she has been very defensive about it. Fairly typical of other experiences, her initial reaction was to think that I was blaming her for both her mistakes and mine. I did try my best to let her know that I don't think about things in those terms. That this is more of a mutual understanding of the differences that exist and my goal was not to "fix" her but that I am much more focused on gaining a better understanding of her and how she sees things. I do notice the specific things more, the perception of time and ability to prioritize mostly. I know I still have a long way to go, and I'm not sure how much of this can be done mutually right now. I hope and do thing that she will become more involved in time, but for now I have to be patient. I do still get frustrated, this past Saturday I had made some plans and had to wait for her to be ready way past when I had planned to go. That wasn't easy for me, I'm a stickler for those kinds of things. Even after we were supposed to had left the house she was still looking at other things on her i-thing before even trying to get ready. I don't expect a quick fix but it really helps to have a few tools and support from others. We may all be anonymous but there's one thing that I see throughout all these posts, we want our relationships to improve. We are all dedicated to trying and there is no love lost for anyone here. I realize that the severity of everyone's situation may be different and that there may be some relationships where separation is the better option. However we are all here to make an effort for the people that we love and I haven't seen a single comment or post where you don't want to try. If the love is really there then it's worth it and I thank you all for showing me and helping me to find that fight in myself.

Wow

I have to tell you that you I've me HOPE. I am the ADHD spouse and my husband about 3 days ago told me he was " done and can't do it anymore". I was devastated, and then I remembered this website. Tonight, i (again) realized that it's not only ME who is devastated, it him too. The things he has had to think about to even say that to me had to be extremely hard. How selfish of me. Went went to one counselor a few days ago, she wasn't right for us, we went to another yesterday and I'm think is a great "medium" for us. He has agreed to go back on Monday and I think that Is a good sign ( not an immediate fix, but a tiny baby step if you will). Just taking it (as he has offered) ONE DAY AT A TIME.  

Oh....

Oh, and GOOD FOR YOU. Proud of you!! I will say it for the ADHDers that appreciate the trying.  :)