I'm not sure exactly where to post this but just reading some of the other posts on here today have been helpful and I need a place to vent....
We've never really addressed ADHD specifically for my spouse but one of her kids has been diagnosed with it. In any case I do recognize some of the characteristics mentioned in some other posts. Some background... We met over six years ago, she had four kids and had been through an abusive relationship for a number of years. The two older kids (now 17 and 15) were from one relationship and the younger two (now 12 and 14) were from her ex husband. They were not officially divorced when we met, that did happen but it took a couple years into our relationship. Our relationship started out as many that I've read about here, fast furious and full of everything we were both looking for. So fast in fact that we ended up getting pregnant three months in and were both very happy about it. I truly love all our kids and there has been some growing pains but we have all come through those fairly well. Trust has been hard to establish but there is no doubt it is there now. We finally got married this past year, mostly because I wanted to wait until I felt the kids were comfortable with me but my commitment has been there from the beginning.
Early on I attributed much her anger to getting over the past. I was supportive and always told her how much I love her. At times I would tell her just that, "I love you" and here immediate response would be "say it again now". That was why I so often though her need for constant reassurance was from past insecurities created from the bad relationship. She was always worried that I was cheating, or would find someone better. This was at time frustrating because I was constantly asking myself how long it was going to take for her to feel comfortable. Only recently have I started to think more that some of her actions are due to ADHD in some form. She was never good about taking care of her responsibilities, even things like paying bills. She would forget to pay them and then frantically call and complain when services were shut off. If I offered to take care of things she would say that I was stepping no her independence. She would agree to take kids somewhere and it would never happen. Even with our ADHD child we agreed to get him to a counselor but got mad at me when I suggested someone specific, it never happened. We even agreed to try and spend more individual time with him and I did but she never did and I gave up because I felt like the only side that would follow through. Needless to say I developed a lot of anger from this and other similar instances.
No doubt that I am at fault for how this anger started to come out in me, ways that are very bad both to myself and the family. I would lose control and throw things, hit walls, and things of that nature. Never did I hurt anyone other than myself but these were things I had never done before in my life. I became very aware that I was losing myself and most importantly becoming a negative person in the lives of the kids, something that frightened me very much. I started to reexamine what was causing this level of anger and come to the conclusion that a lot of it stemmed from my feeling unable to rely on her. We would agree to something and then she would forget the next day. She'd tell me how she wanted to discipline a child and get mad at me for following though with exactly what she wanted. We'd talk about doing a specific thing financially and then she'd do the opposite behind me without saying anything further. I have stopped the anger but it has morphed into me crying constantly. Staying up at night just sobbing uncontrollably.
We recently addressed some of these issues and I told her that it was really time with her that would help the situation, I do truly believe that. We again agreed to making dinner together the next night and turning off the TV to spend even just a half hour together before bed. Unfortunately the next day she found something else to do instead of cook with me and wanted to watch her show instead of what we had discussed. I really do just want a loving and open relationship but she says that we talk about things too much and she just wants to "veg" instead.
I guess I'm curious about how to react to the whole thing better. There are so many of you that have posted with hopeful outlooks on their relationships. I want to make things better and stop this downward spiral of sadness. I want to be able to react better to these kinds of things but I wonder where does it leave a relationship when any discussion about real action is ignored or forgotten. How do I allow myself to love her for who she is and at the same time run a family and household with so many needs? How can I go about expressing my love for her and actually being able to take part in her life just as much? And as I see it most importantly, how do I bring up the subject of her following through with something being a possible symptom of ADHD and not have it turn into a further jump to her feeling like I'm just accusing her of being a "bad person"? That's where so many things have gone in the past and I'm looking for something better, not just more of the same.