The Love of my life of 18 years (Married for 11) has just told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm devastated. I was diagnosed with combined subtype ADHD shortly before our first (only) child was born about 2 years ago. I had always self medicated with Marajuana (which she knew about but didn't really approve of for a future family environment). I agreed with that and don't condone using cannabis in the house with kids around.
Before I run you through this, here are the cliff notes on my Wife and I. I am an outgoing dude with a good sense of humor. Now that I think about it the sense of humor developed both as way being stimulated by making people laugh as well as a self defense mechanism for ADHD. Self deprication is an art form trust me. I am a 7. In smaller rural areas I could be an 8. My wife is a 12. In order to rank a 12 in my book you have to be beautiful, but more importantly intelligent with a great sense of humor. She is completely unaware of how beautiful she is though I tell her often. She is maybe a little obsessive compulsive. Things definately need to be done a certain way (dishwasher loaded, housework etc.) She has both tolerated and compensated for my dysfunctional messes over the years (clothes piling up in the bathroom, clutter etc). I am sure that this bothers her more than the average non ADHD Spouse. Bottom line about us is that we are complete opposites.
Everything was reasonably great until our child was born. Our child is the most beautiful child on the planet. Personality and kindness just melts your heart. Going to be two in a couple months. When he was born predictably as I believe Melissa's book states, my wife's compensating for me (in area's of bills, baby skills, etc.) became unbearable for my Wife. She is the greatest and most selfless Mom the world has ever known. One other very important event that happened during the pregnancy is that I became focused like a lazer on my job. I had just been laid off earlier in the pregnancy. I was determined not to let that happen again. I had also just been diagnosed and had started taking Adderall (I had quit the weed cold turkey). So again per Melissa's book, I believe I stopped my hyperfocus on my wife and shifted all that toward the Job which in my mind was a better way to serve my wife and impending baby. Right as my child was born, my job work load tripled. Guess what else tripled? Adderall. The more I felt my Wife pulling away from me, the more of that stuff I took thinking that I wasn't cutting it. I would run out of my prescription early and crash for days. This was hard on her. She began to resent me. At the time, I couldn't understand what had happened to us. The adderall was clearly an issue, so I tried other drugs but ended up going back on Adderall because they didn't work for me. At one point I had taken so much one night that I accused her of cheating on me years ago. While I never felt that i was out of control, I clearly had a psychotic moment of paranoia from the Adderall. I would never (nor have I ever) physically done anything. I realized that I was acting out some seriously deep seeded emotions that were involuntarily coming out as I tried to figure out why my wife didn't love me anymore.
We made the mistake of choosing a counselor who did not cover ADHD. The counselor thought of ADHD as a simple lack of attention. It was at this time that Melissa's book came into my hands. It was a miracle to me. Finally a book to explain what happened, is happening and how to fix it. My Wife seemed interested at first, but then she seemed to push back on working on the excercises. Fast forward to now. I am off Adderall, but decided to use cannabis to do it. She does not approve of this in spite of my keeping out of the house.
She will not commit to any path toward healing our Marriage. I found an ADHD counselor and she won't go with me. She has said that I need to work on this on my own. She doesn't want to be my therapist etc. I don't know what to do . . . . I know that I have made mistakes. I know that I am a burden to her. How do I save this for us and our child. She clearly has Chronic Resentment towards me. I have moved out for a month and this did nothing to alleviate. I finally moved back in recently because it is too hard on our child.
To end on a lighter note (and hide my very real pain), you should know that some details of the story have been changed to protect anonymity. For example, I am really like a 5.