Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
I decided to come back to this post and see if I can make any more sense out of my feelings. I think that I tried a variety of things to improve myself and to improve my marriage. Suffice to say that the marriage did not survive.
When I look at my behavior objectively, some of the things I did were bad (and I knew they were bad at the time; I will never present myself as perfect)and some were good. But clearly, none of them were "right" when measured by whether they saved the marriage.
So this leaves me very confused. Am I a terrible judge of my own and other people's behavior? Am I actually a really bad person? Part of me thinks I'm not a really bad person, but a more persistent part of me thinks and feels that I am, and that my inherent badness is why my ex left me and why the marriage failed.
Every once in awhile, I'll concede that perhaps I'm not horrible (not perfect, but not horrible) and perhaps my ex really is very afraid of being in an intimate relationship and perhaps my former father-in-law really is very controlling and mean and all these things combined for the perfect storm of marital dysfunction. But it's hard to make progress in figuring this out, because of the three of us, I'm the only one willing to talk about the issues: my former FIL and my ex can't or won't. So all that's left is curious but very self-critical me. Right now, I feel like I might be a wrongfully convicted criminal defendant, who didn't do the crime but confessed under pressure of (self-)interrogation.
I started reading here, because when I will be in a committed partnership - marriage, maybe - I want to bring my best game. As a distractable-ADHD woman, since that's part of how my brain works. And, I learned here, my sometimes strong emotions, are in part a go-with to my ADHD. (I corral, and channel them appropriatedly, btw, most of the time. Almost always, my reactions belong only to me - and even if someone *wants* to push my buttons, those are my buttons, and I have my own manual override, most of the time.)
I know many people (most of my extended family) who have some version of ADHD brains. And I know, and have known many for whom ADHD isn't among their difficulties in life.
One thing I've noticed, over and over. Everyone, however our brains tend to work, can (and usually, sometime or other, probably at various times, for each person) have periods in our lives when our emotions are like a huge prolonged rainstorm. We ADHD folks don't hold a patent on that. Nor on vulnerability, when hearts are engaged. I would have noticed, because this is a subject that fascinates me as much as mechanics and motors fascinate some I know... some several who post here know.
Sometimes, trying to sort a tangled mess of emotions, and wanting to understand better, and needing to decide what approach, what stand, to take in a snarled situation... I've attempted to express my dilemma in writing, to someone else (e.g. a few times here, in these forums - or, in a letter, to someone I know). Most of the time, the sincere attempt is enough. I gained greater clarity, enough insight, and also decided that my thoughts were too raw, or too whatever, and didn't post, or mail, or anything. I can't know, obviously, if this has any bearing in this topic... I'm voicing this just in case it might be useful information to anyone. One person's perspective - mine.
I'm grateful to have found this website. You're - community here - an excellent influence for kindness. Thank you. :)
Poison Ivy
Submitted by LRHG on
I would have loved to read what you had to say because I feel the same. But I respect your privacy
I decided to come back to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I decided to come back to this post and see if I can make any more sense out of my feelings. I think that I tried a variety of things to improve myself and to improve my marriage. Suffice to say that the marriage did not survive.
When I look at my behavior objectively, some of the things I did were bad (and I knew they were bad at the time; I will never present myself as perfect)and some were good. But clearly, none of them were "right" when measured by whether they saved the marriage.
So this leaves me very confused. Am I a terrible judge of my own and other people's behavior? Am I actually a really bad person? Part of me thinks I'm not a really bad person, but a more persistent part of me thinks and feels that I am, and that my inherent badness is why my ex left me and why the marriage failed.
Every once in awhile, I'll concede that perhaps I'm not horrible (not perfect, but not horrible) and perhaps my ex really is very afraid of being in an intimate relationship and perhaps my former father-in-law really is very controlling and mean and all these things combined for the perfect storm of marital dysfunction. But it's hard to make progress in figuring this out, because of the three of us, I'm the only one willing to talk about the issues: my former FIL and my ex can't or won't. So all that's left is curious but very self-critical me. Right now, I feel like I might be a wrongfully convicted criminal defendant, who didn't do the crime but confessed under pressure of (self-)interrogation.
I'm not currently married..
Submitted by Terra on
I started reading here, because when I will be in a committed partnership - marriage, maybe - I want to bring my best game. As a distractable-ADHD woman, since that's part of how my brain works. And, I learned here, my sometimes strong emotions, are in part a go-with to my ADHD. (I corral, and channel them appropriatedly, btw, most of the time. Almost always, my reactions belong only to me - and even if someone *wants* to push my buttons, those are my buttons, and I have my own manual override, most of the time.)
I know many people (most of my extended family) who have some version of ADHD brains. And I know, and have known many for whom ADHD isn't among their difficulties in life.
One thing I've noticed, over and over. Everyone, however our brains tend to work, can (and usually, sometime or other, probably at various times, for each person) have periods in our lives when our emotions are like a huge prolonged rainstorm. We ADHD folks don't hold a patent on that. Nor on vulnerability, when hearts are engaged. I would have noticed, because this is a subject that fascinates me as much as mechanics and motors fascinate some I know... some several who post here know.
Sometimes, trying to sort a tangled mess of emotions, and wanting to understand better, and needing to decide what approach, what stand, to take in a snarled situation... I've attempted to express my dilemma in writing, to someone else (e.g. a few times here, in these forums - or, in a letter, to someone I know). Most of the time, the sincere attempt is enough. I gained greater clarity, enough insight, and also decided that my thoughts were too raw, or too whatever, and didn't post, or mail, or anything. I can't know, obviously, if this has any bearing in this topic... I'm voicing this just in case it might be useful information to anyone. One person's perspective - mine.
I'm grateful to have found this website. You're - community here - an excellent influence for kindness. Thank you. :)