I am just so exhausted. Literally nothing I am about to say is new, we have all been there and heard it all before. The messes, the projects half done, the lack of any meaningful communication. Today DH tells me one of his headlights is out on his car (he can fix it, no big deal) and it will cost $35 for the light he needs to fix it. So I give him the debit card to go get it. He comes home and hands me the receipt: $83. "oh, I must have looked at the wrong thing online." Okay then. It's not the end of the world, just add it to the pile of crap that we all live with. I also had a big go-around with my oldest son about his girlfriend (DH was not home when that occurred) and there is no way I would even tell him about it because he would not take my side or even be objective. He would have some weird take on the whole thing or somehow I would be the bad guy. So tired of being on my own over here.
I read all of the threads and posts here and I feel so sad for all of us. We all went into marriage with decent intentions I think, wanting to have a meaningful sustained relationship with another person and for all kinds of reasons ALL related to ADHD, very few of us have that, I know I don't. More than anything I feel like I was duped, sold a bill of goods, lied to from the start. I wish I could get rid of that bitterness because it isn't hurting anyone but me--DH barely notices I'm alive, let alone my demeanor from day to day. He does not care what I am feeling about anything. I know I don't want to be old and bitter before my time, but I fear it's too late. How is it possible to be done at age 48? To have your best years wasted, behind you? I spent so many hours in therapy trying to get my brain around HIM and for what? He doesn't change, doesn't even think there is a problem. I just cannot go back to an office and hash the same stuff out over and over and over week in week out but at the same time I am drowning and lonely.
Sending you (((hugs))). I'm
Submitted by Libby on
Sending you (((hugs))). I'm sorry you are having a rough time. It does help a bit to know there are others who get what's going on.
I honestly know what you feel
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
Im new too and I came her frustrated. I am so stressed out my brain is fried. my weight is down and Im either angry or bummed all the time.
All I can think about is how frustratng he is. I cant stop thinking about how dumb he is either. And I mean that.
He just lets things spin out of control and doesnt do anything about anything until its too late or the very last second sending situations into panic mode.
He never takes advice on anything, doesnt ever change his approach or learn from his mistakes.
I feel sorry for all of us.
I dont feel sorry for him though. I would if he didnt fight me on everything, but he does. All I am literally trying to do is curb the dysfunction. Living in unnecessary dysfunction and dealing with unnecessary and easily preventable problems all the time is awful. I hate it.
I think it must be a great thing to deal with a ADHD partner who is willing to work hard to improve but one who is stubborn doesnt feel worth it.
Kudos to you Husband33
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
You sound a lot more patient than me. Especially with her losing things like that and denying having a problem. My partner is too hyper focus on going places that he gets places unnecessarily early or on time. I feel you on how simple tasks take them forever. My husband takes weeks or months to do one thing. 2 hrs would be record time for him after starting something.
I wonder how I can get there (as patient as you seem) with a partner who is so stubborn, cant handle any type of criticism and lets the most hurtful things come out of his mouth.
He said tonight, "I will never listen to you."
"I dont care about you." and the usual "Shut the f up."
I admit I am always on him, yap yap yap because he never does anything I ask him to do (or what he says he will do), never takes solid advice so things fall through and we start from square one all the time. Its a constant circle. I cant even get him to write things down or put an alarm in his phone to help him remember stuff. He fights me on everything.
He has me sucked into his dysfunction and I dont know how to get out. Im miserable.
I have been trying to get him hand over the bills too because they never come in for what he says they should (always way higher) and our cell phone is disconnected EVERY SINGLE MONTH for the last year and a half.
All this time he made it seem like Tmobile couldnt get their crap together but today he finally admitted that he never paid it on time. Its been 3 weeks and I still cant get all the login info, I just have two unfinished lists.
You seem to be handling things pretty well. I am livid over here everyday. sigh. Its a little soothing to find other who can relate to the frustrations.
My guy is in denial too even though he is seeing a psychiatrist and is on adderral (which does not work for him)
(I admit I am always on him,
Submitted by c ur self on
(I admit I am always on him, yap yap yap because he never does anything I ask him to do (or what he says he will do), never takes solid advice so things fall through and we start from square one all the time. Its a constant circle. I cant even get him to write things down or put an alarm in his phone to help him remember stuff. He fights me on everything.
He has me sucked into his dysfunction and I dont know how to get out. Im miserable. )
I did what you are doing for years....(self inflicted suffering)....It's not my wife or your husband that has us sucked into their dysfunction....It's our choice to be there...If you don't like it, and obviously you don't, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!...LOL....
The reason he is cussing you is, because of the disrespect you are dumping on him....(your broken and screwed up, so shut up and listen to me, write down what I'm telling you, so you can be accepted by me)....See how that works?? LOL.....
No, we are not sucked in...We get up every day and choose to walk right in.....If we don't like the responsibility level of our spouses....Bitching, moaning and complaining about it only destroys the relationship, it will never change him or her....
We must be responsible adults...So if I am going to be loving and respectful to someone (my wife) who I can't trust to do the right things, or remember basic things....Then I have to totally accept that reality....And set boundaries where I do not put trust in her for the things she isn't capable of doing on a consistent enough basis for me!
Any thing less than calmly setting boundaries and living my life in the manner I'm capable of...Makes me worse off than she is....Her chaotic life style (time management struggles, memory, misplacing, hoarding, distractions etc) is who she has been all of her life, and she has no ability to change it....Am I going to punish her (belittle her and make her feel useless) because I refuse to SEE her reality isn't something I can trust??
Everything isn't add/adhd....There is bad habits, there is addictions, and there is selfish self centered minds....But no matter whether it's intentional or unintentional....I have a choice...Every responsible adult who isn't piggy backing on another human has choices....
Now we all know that many of us (most of us) have gotten so invested over the years, trusting someone who isn't trustworthy...(unwise life choice) That it would take big changes in our current life styles, to not have to depend on them for certain things, that they to often let us down about....(Don't perform to our level of expectations)....But is that a reason to beat them down?? I don't think so....I think we would be better off leaving....
c
It's not as simple as setting boundaries
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
Hey c ur self,
***So if I am going to be loving and respectful to someone (my wife) who I can't trust to do the right things, or remember basic things....Then I have to totally accept that reality....And set boundaries where I do not put trust in her for the things she isn't capable of doing on a consistent enough basis for me!
Not doing things on a consistent basis for me? Try not consistent enough for real life!
I don't know if you have thought of extreme circumstances where the non-ADHD spouse has no choice but to depend on their ADHD spouse. It's possible for that to be the case and you have no choice but to go with it and try your hardest to guide the ADHD spouse or you both could face your own demise. We are currently dealing with some time sensitive issues but if your partner is stubborn and only drags his feet when it's critical, how is that not being sucked into his dysfunction?
Him overspending causing us to live paycheck to paycheck. Isn't that being sucked into dysfunction?
Him hiding critical info from me and saying "I didnt want to worry you" as an excuse when I find out.
Then my panic to figure things out because he has not dealt with the problem. Isn't that falling into dysfunction?
Obviously, if there is a choice to do critical things on my own, without a doubt I would take care of everything without expecting his help. But what about those huge things that require participation from both spouses? His involvement in stuff is hell. I wanted a team player. Instead, it's more a situation of taking one for the team every time. But for the most part I feel like I have an opponent when we both want the same things.
How can I respect someone (my husband) who is so comfortable with being stubborn and lazy with everything important? I mean everything. How do you simply accept that reality? I honestly believe he is capable of better. Because we lliterally want the same thing. But when I step in to make sure we dont take 5 years to do it (the way he likes it). He is pissed as hell.
Believe me I understand TD...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your real life comment, is a Judgment...If you leave him tomorrow, he will be just fine...His way...If not, there is no one to blame but himself....
His hiding critical information is possibly fear based (fear of your reaction)....I have separate accounts, I don't do taxes w/ her...She writes one check a month for half of the common bills...I pay them....It's difficult to be sweet and loving when we are always at each others throats, because we keep trying to share in things when it's not possible.....
It took me years to see I was asking a one legged man to race me.....Please SEE it, so you can start making the changes you need to make in order to have peace in your life.....Also, if you are going to use your expectations for him (what your mind is capable of) to match what you think he can do, and base your Respect of how he performs....You should pack tonight, because you are heading down a long road of disappointment....
I'm not trying to not be understanding or hard....I want you to have a wonder life....
c
and Lying
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
If Inattentive Adhd is bad enough, he lies constantly about important things to make it seem like he has it together or just so I dont get upset. He lies about stuff that is highly consequential. He rather his credit take a hit or us always having to buy a new vehicle every year than admit he isnt doing stuff.
The traveling thing
Submitted by adhd32 on
Traveling for ADD H is a nightmare. He never knows what to bring. When my kids were young I made out a packing list for them and photo copied it (this was the 90s). When trips were planned and packing was in order, they packed their own bags, using the list. H refused making any list and ended up in Maine without a pair of long pants or a sweatshirt. Brrr. H started commuting by train 4 years ago after 40 years of driving. To date he has lost 8 phones on the train. Now he buys cheap sunglasses on-line and bare bones smartphones on sale at electronic stores for under $200. He chooses not to keep his belongings organized in any way where things are routinely put away in the same place and blames every conceivable thing for his inattentiveness. My grown son has ADD and had learned over the years that routine was his friend, wallet front left pocket, phone right front pocket. Son has other issues but admits that his plan ahead, very strictly regimented up-bringing (mostly by me), helps keep his personal possessions together. His untidy apartment is another subject for another day.
IDK why it is so hard to figure the time either. If a plane leaves at 8 and you need 3 hours to get ready, get to the airport, and get through security plus at least half an hour looking for things before leaving the house, why does H bristle at the idea of getting up at 430 and sets alarm for 515? How does he think it is possible to sit and eat breakfast at 730 at the airport when the door closes in 15 minutes? He leaves no time for broken shoe laces, overflowing toilet etc. Does he think time will stop until HE is ready to go? I cannot figure this one out. I know he likes drama. Running late, instigating arguments, and driving like a lunatic seem to his outlets. After the dust settles H is cool as a cucumber and everyone else is upset and frazzled. He got his rush and we all pay the price for his selfishness.
Admitting there is a problem means doing something about it, denial is a powerful thing.
It's a choice D...
Submitted by c ur self on
(How is it possible to be done at age 48? )
As long as I allowed it I was done also....(done meaning... my life was controlled by the expectations I was placing on another human) Bitterness doesn't go away easily, (it didn't for me) we pretty much have to be delivered from it....Which there in lies the problem...I couldn't accept deliverance, because I wouldn't release the bitterness....It was my protection from her lack of love and effort in our relationship....I WAS RIGHT AND I WAS GOING TO HOLD TO THAT IF I HAD A LIFE OR NOT....Yep its a choice....The day you are able to lay down the expectations, the one's he will probably never be able (or don't care to) to meet.... And SEE him for who he is....(There is Mr. Vance...He is happily going about his life, his way)
When you (all of us) can look in the mirror and say the same thing about ourselves....(There is Mr c ur self, living life the way he thinks it is suppose to be lived)....Yep, when my eyes are on me (my thinking, feelings and behaviors) then I have pushed past placing expectations on another person (my wife) to make my life good....
There is only two things that continue to free me from the pain of expectations....One) I believe abundant life is only found in Jesus...Two) I have no convictions to live life with her, if, it's in both of our best interests to move on... I've freed myself and her....I am choosing to still be with her...I can accept the limitations we suffer, as long as there is love and respect between us....If that goes, I go....Also we have sex...where I get my information....Marriages were created so man wouldn't be alone...God said it's not good for man to be alone...So he made him a help meet to share in life with him...And he made sexual pleasures pure an Holy between them....No one who has normal physical sexual desires needs to live unfulfilled while living married...Conjugal rights is as much of a part of marriage as your children are...(if it wasn't there would be no children)...We need our orgasms (together) to be healthy (IMO)....Orgasms release stress, and promote positive interaction....
c
I get it
Submitted by adhd32 on
I, too, feel this way. My kids are grown and out of the house now and I am left with an overgrown adolescent husband. At least when the kids were still at home there were diversions. Same with therapy and me changing my reactions and making accommodations for H. For what? H has never, not once, gone willingly out of his way to do me a favor. Oh, he has done things I asked of him but only after sighing and letting me know that the favor is cutting into his personal time. The personal time filled with isolating one-man activities. In our marriage I never had the luxury of personal time. Someone needed to keep the house running and the kids dressed and fed. We all know the drill. I used to admonish and dole out punishments/groundings to the kids when H was not present because is involvement was always at the eleventh hour. He would just shoot from the hip with no information and make things unbearable or assign an unreasonable consequences that he would never monitor and just expected me to enforce. He would pick at ADD son's behavior and didn't like it when I reminded him that he did the exact same things, I think it is some psychological thing where he sees the behaviors in son that he doesn't like in himself. He cuts no one any slack and can nit-pick any perceived slight to death but his glaring mistakes are not to be addressed in any way. He is perfect, everyone else is the problem.
D, I am in my late 50s and married over 35 years and I feel like I invested way too much time in trying to keep the peace and blaming myself. I wish I was able to understand what the problem was and detached more completely from him much sooner. I too feel that I wasted my best years on someone who was too selfish to notice. I had a heart to heart with my daughter recently and apologized for staying with H. Now that she is grown she understands the nuances and consequences as only an adult can. I owned my choice of staying for financial reasons and she knew her life would have been so different if we had split. She pointed out that H would still have been involved in our lives regardless of our living situation and since H is vindictive he would have gone to even greater lengths to make sure we were all unhappy.
To the young people pining away about a lost love with ADD, or a new relationship where problems are starting to become evident, my advise is run as fast as you can. You will not be some miracle couple where the non spouse rescues the relationship and you live happily ever after. This is a 24 hour/day, 365 day/year issue that will not go away. The ADD spouse is along for the ride as long as things are their way whether out in open or in secret. Just because you are aware of ADD doesn't mean you can do a damn thing to change someone else. Just because you temper your reactions and let things slide you will not rescue your relationship. You will only lose your authentic self by always accommodating someone who will always expect the accommodations but make very few in return.
This is a great truth adhd32...
Submitted by c ur self on
(Just because you temper your reactions and let things slide you will not rescue your relationship. You will only lose your authentic self by always accommodating someone who will always expect the accommodations but make very few in return.)
If a person going into, or finds themselves in, this type of relationship. They have a lot of work to do, to not lose themselves...To know you will be the one always left w/ the heavy end of life's realities takes wisdom to navigate....If a person doesn't know the difference in what is real Love and what is not...They will suffer....If a person can't walk away from manipulation attempts and users...They will suffer....If a person can't accept that they will have to navigate on their own, much of the time (it they are going to live peacefully, and refuse to be part of self inflicted chaos that is)....they will suffer....
If a person can't or want set boundaries to protect themselves (and their spouse) from unacceptable differences....They will suffer.....
So like you said....And I agree....You will never have a relationship where two people are pulling in the same direction, when one is pulling in the opposite direction, or is unwilling or incapable of pull at all....
c
I dont want to navigate on my own! sigh
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
You will never have a relationship where two people are pulling in the same direction, when one is pulling in the opposite direction, or is unwilling or incapable of pull at all....
Uggh Im having so much trouble accepting this. I dont want a husband who also feels like a child
If a person can't or want set boundaries to protect themselves (and their spouse) from unacceptable differences....They will suffer....
Sigh I AM suffering! I wanted a team player. My husband was really good at making me think he had his stuff together before I found how he really deals with stuff.
I guess I have to make peace with it. I just cant though.
Truly
Submitted by adhd32 on
I wanted a team player too! Things started out so promising.
After many many years of discord the realization that our problems were ADD related came only 2 years ago after 35+ years of marriage. During the 30 years since the kids came along H's symptoms escalated as the stress of raising a family escalated. He is beyond getting help now as he doesn't see his issues and/or doesn't care and at 63 I'm not sure anything would help. Either way the outcome is the same. The choices that make things livable are split up or accept H and his deficits but have clear boundaries. I did not want to accept that boundaries would help, I felt that marriage should be a partnership, but after finding this forum and opening up my mind, I have come to realize there is no other way if I planned on staying in the marriage. I've chosen to use boundaries to protect myself from the fall out because without the tight reigns H's shortcomings have had a profound negative effect on my life. I totally agree that this is not ideal. Certainly it is not a marriage where each partner cherishes and demonstrates love. When only one person is focusing on the best future for the family and one is throwing up roadblocks, the only thing to do is set boundaries. So now H knows if he does A I will always do B. If he raises his voice, I will leave the room. If he acts outs out in public, I will walk away. I no longer feel that I have to stand anywhere and take his BS. If he blames me for his mistakes I no longer react by trying to point things out, I just say I disagree with his conclusion and disengage since no amount of reasoning or fact quoting can change his closed mind. If I see him doing something I don't like or not doing something he should be doing, I no longer comment unless it has a direct affect on me. Through the years the desire to keep myself and the kids safe and protected was most important so I would react. Now, if his behaviors do not have a direct affect on me I say nothing and let him moan and groan about his state of affairs. Oh well. No commentary from me, you got yourself in, now get yourself out.
He feels the consequences of my boundaries. Don't want to clean up? Great! He can be embarrassed forever that we do not reciprocate invites with friends anymore since I can't do 99% of planning, cleaning, cooking, and setting up in order to magically make the parties happen anymore. Don't keep up with his friends and embarrassed to find out they had serious health problems when you bump into them? Sorry to hear but it isn't my job to stay in touch with his friends. I keep up with mine. Want to move next year? Great, me too! When I see boxes of junk from the garage going to the curb consistently I will serious start the process. Anything else is a waste of my time. I offered to help with this one but every screw and nail is some kind of treasure and I have no patience. So, we will stay in a too big house until he is motivated by more expenses than income, I do not care.
Just to be clear. None of these mindful behaviors and detachments have changed him much. They sure have helped ME improve my happiness.
Nice adhd32....My life also....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's great to hear about your boundaries and acceptance of his lifestyle....I try to do the same!.....For years my wife has talked about moving....(messy and hoarding life style)....I just calmly repeat to her, what you say to your husband...Because me and you both know, it's their dream world!...**No view of reality, and no ownership**
Me and you both know that what they are really saying is; "I want you to move us, and good luck doing it, without any help from me....And also the pain and abuse I'm going to dump on you every time I see you throw away some worthless item, that I've hoarded up for 25 years"....That is what they are really saying...."Words are useless, actions are life"
So I just keep putting my money into this place, to keep it up....Because I know as long the Lord leaves us in this life together.....(Barring a miracle)...I want step in that pile of Poop....LOL....
The reality of ADD desires
Submitted by jennalemone on
"I'm going to dump on you every time I see you throw away some worthless item, that I've hoarded up for 25 years"
I asked H the Why's of what these things he hoards means to him. He says he enjoys the "reminders" of those people, those places. I said, "Why not acutal photos of the people and places rather than the ie: dirty pillow, the greasy, dusty wooden cup, the souvenir of places he has never been but were someone else's memories. He got mad. I don't get it, but it seems it is not the feelings of the memories but rather something else he is not knowing or admitting. I want to know so that I know which things he holds holy and which things he would not notice it it were gone.
Jenna mine takes the photo's and the souvenir ;...LOL....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I want to know so that I know which things he holds holy and which things he would not notice it it were gone.)
LOL...You may have a sneaky plan :).....Seriously though...I agree with you....It's much deeper than emotional attachment....Hoarding tendencies (IMO) aren't any different than other addictions....There is no rhyme or reason for the things she hoards...It's everything from old sales receipts to costume jewelry....She want even throw her styrofoam water cups in the garbage...They will set around and pile up on the table or counter until I throw them away....I need to stop this....(adhd32's list of boundaries has encouraged me....or convicted me one ..lol....)...I really like her list, and do many of the same things...The only thing I would add, is consider ourselves also....Some times when we live with someone who's behaviors can be intrusive and overwhelming....It's easy to cut ourselves slack....LOL...
c
When only one person is
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
When only one person is focusing on the best future for the family and one is throwing up roadblocks
Perfect way to put it!!
, the only thing to do is set boundaries
This boundary thing is hard to swallow. I can see how it was hard for you at first.
I'm now divorced. I used to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm now divorced. I used to describe my marriage as riding with my husband in a sinking boat. While I was frantically bailing out the water, my husband was poking more holes.
TrulyD...I agree...None of us wanted to navigate mostly alone...
Submitted by c ur self on
That is why some of us have been part of this forum for years...Looking for understanding....Looking for Help....And some times just a place to pour out our overflowing emotions....
When I find myself in difficult positions, that aren't going away on there on, or at all.....(a few examples,.... chronic physical or mental infirmities, victim minded family members, (unthankful), a spouse that lives a self centered life style (for what ever reason, it doesn't matter the effects are the same) and refuses to (it's not in them, whether intentional or unintentional, effects the same) honor their promised roles....
The things life has taught me about these situations, that I better do is:.....Accept the facts as being lived out, and accept that it is out of my power to change them!.....Under no circumstances do I ever own what doesn't belong to me....Remind myself daily (multiple time a day at times) that nothing about another person will ever define me....Or, God's love for me....
So when in difficult relationship situations, that is not of my own choosing...I have to take myself apart (keep a clear picture of my intentions for a healthy attachment) and know me!...i have to hold tight to truth, to my convictions....Relationships are so very hard on us...Because it takes TWO....(Two to vow, to two keep them, two doing the work) LOL.....So we struggle mightily (in heart and mind) to move past the FACT that our hands are TIED.....WE REFUSE TO ACCEPT (SOME ALL THE WAY TO DEATH) THAT EITHER ONE OF THE TWO, CAN DESTROY WHAT IT SHOULD BE!...
The Army's motto is....Be all that you can be!....That may work in Single life pursuits, where the blessings of good healthy and opportunity allows....But it's not possible in a relationship, unless it's the motto and reality for both parties.....
Most of us...(I sure did, and still can at times, if I get lazy and drift off into the fairy tale when things seem better, but, there has been painful awakenings coming when I do that) have or had the same reality that you have...(Not wanting to make peace w/ our spouse's reality)....
Don't be hard on yourself, you aren't alone....You will get there eventually, most of us do....This may help you....Never confuse Hope w/ expectations and reality....You can go live wisely and hope for change....But you can't allow your hope to become an excuse to attempt to force change (control & manipulation), all that breeds is disrespect and anger...It will destroy you....
The product of getting in the ditch with another human and trying to force them to get out....When they love being there....Isn't good....It will break you down emotionally and physically....Then eventually our eyes come open....And about all we can say is:...."I don't like the person I've become"......Because we allow this undesirable circumstance to become the greater part of us.....
My pray is that you will learn to accept reality, and not allow what isn't yours, to control your peace....
Peace be with TD
c
Peace be with TD
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
Thank you c ur self. I pray the same.
I understand
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
I am so frustrated with no where to vent. When I talk to DH he loses his temper quickly so I stop talking to avoid another broken wall. I could have wrote your last paragraph myself and it would have been spot on. I am so bitter and angry and I want to just let it all go but I don't know how. I have a 12 year old son so I feel the need to protect him from the madness. DH would go on without noticing me for days if I wasn't constantly seeking attention that I never get. Today I am sad, tomorrow maybe mad, the next day lonely, it just cycles through over and over again. He never has enough time, according to him, to do the things he enjoys which do not include me. I try to participate in his hobbies (Video Games mostly) but he still wants more time, usually at night, which has me going to sleep alone every day. The loneliness is unbearable sometimes. We recycle the same problems over and over again with new solutions that work until he gets bored of them. I will pray you find some peace and freedom from the never ending bitterness and loneliness we all feel being married to ADHD. Best of luck!
Standards and expectations.
Submitted by jennalemone on
"...has me lowering my standards so far i am mad at myself"
Are standards good or bad? I think they are good. When I heard the words "You think you are too good." in a mocking way when we were young, I should have known that in order to stay with H, I would have to lower my standards...and I did do that, trying all the time to not let H know as to protect his ego. This is key. This could be about any coupling relationship. Part of this is upbringing and part of it is lowering the expectation that I thought I would have a partner rather than an adversary.
Sticks and stones
Submitted by jennalemone on
Exactly, husband 33. I got this many times over the years, H yelling loudly: "I won't be married to a nag!" Pretty soon you start to identify with the words you are being called and you do everything you can to NOT be that thing but in the process lose your self and your confidence to make decisions because, God forbid, you remind someone to do something who is not doing his part (nag)!
Now that I know better, I step back from the gauntlets he slings at me and don't take them personally and calmly craft a response for the next time he slings that particular arrow at me. I work hard inside of myself to let his remarks sit where they came from ... in the lap of the shouter. There is such a fine line of when to fight and when to walk away. And I seem to be slow to think and respond in real time. This is the shame and burden to bear when your partner/spouse sees marriage as an ego fight rather than as a supportive, negotiation team. Some families yell, spar, call each other names and act like bratty children - enjoying the confrontations, like hahaha. Some families have good table manners and tact and try to share conversations. It seems to me that many of our challenges on this site are due to differing levels of class and demeanor. I have found new responses rather than defenses or silence to phrases like, "You can't make a silk purse out of a cow's ear!" ugh. I have responded more than once with "Yes, very true. But if I HAD a sow's ear, I wouldn't carry it around with me or like it at all."
So, my artillery does not come to me automatically, but, since this seems to be war with H and not a tea party, I will keep an arsenal of comebacks at the ready for my own defense so I don't become a bratty yeller myself and yet I don't crash and burn. I just try to respond in a thoughtful (to myself) way. But it is work that I never thought I would have to do in a loving marriage.
The nag
Submitted by Brindle on
I also got told I was a nag early on in our marriage. But not for actual nagging. For asking him to do something a second time after time had passed and it wasn’t done.
Then once when we went to a family event, his dad asked if I was a nag, too (implying that my MIL was a nag). He said I did a little. I had tried SO hard to stay so far away from nagging as a new bride because I’d heard so many men complain about nagging women. I found it wasn’t all that hard, actually. Just treat him with respect and not fuss at him like he was a kid. So when I heard that, as a sensitive young wife, it hurt so badly. Took me YEARS to wake up and realize that I wasn’t the one with the problem. I was respectful, even a chicken a lot of the time, so to be labeled a nag made my chicken ways even worse. Because I thought I had to fix me. I took ownership of the issue - when the issue was his.
I will say this - it’s hard to respect a spouse when they are always deflecting their problems and making it about you.
Back to my FIL. Turns out, he has ADHD, too, and over the years I’ve seen how he runs her down. I don’t know how much she actually nags/nagged him as I never have seen it yet, but his word is suspect to me now, as he is untreated for his ADHD, too.
Exactly the same, Brindle
Submitted by jennalemone on
I also was NOT a nag. I was so much NOT the nag that I am ashamed of myself for going along with H's ideas, actions, words, decisions, descriptions, nearly EVERYTHING as a supportive, dutiful wife. I supported H in almost everything. And yet he would use words like nag, PWd, and the B word. Boy, was I blind and clueless!. Young people. Hear this. If you are being called names rather than having discussions, YOU are not the problem.
Quoting you for emphasis
Submitted by Brindle on
jenna said, “Young people. Hear this. If you are being called names rather than having discussions, YOU are not the problem.”
This a thousand times.
Jenna, I went into marriage so naively. It sounds like you did, too. Oh, the things I wish I had known, known to watch for, and I wish I had recognized the hints in front of me. But I had a very innocent and trusting view of things and people.
I cannot justify being angry about her behaviors.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Two wrongs never make a right......And besides.... Jenna you and husband33 may know how to play fair (living livid most of the time) I don't....If I don't manage my angry, (refuse to get on her level of verbal bantering) then I will say things, that can't be taken back.....Because the first time she yelled at me....I want be married to a nag!!!....She would get something like this back...."Well get your lazy freeloading ass out of here, and don't let the door hit you in the back!!!"
This thread reminds me of all the verbal battles we had those first 5 years....Out of control emotions....Never again....I may not like her life style...But, I can always leave, and will, before I go down that dysfunctional road again....
The longer I read on this site....The more I realize, the ONLY thing that can STOP the conflict....Is to get away from our spouses...Or not respond.....There is no number 3....
c
This I know
Submitted by adhd32 on
I get insulted with "you're always cleaning" like it is some type of social taboo. For the record I am neat. I like things put away and wiped down but I'm not super scrubby sanitary clean. I stopped asking for help 25 years ago and really don't mind keeping the house the way I like it. We have agreed upon boundaries to contain his messes. I think H internalizes and reacts to my tidying up as criticism of him. Or maybe he cannot face his own slovenly shortcomings and lashes out at me for his inability to deal with his issues.
Same thing with the standards thing too. My standards are what I learned as a child. I grew up in a traditional home and was taught proper table manners, respect for elders and others, kindness, basic social graces like arriving on time with a cake or wine, not speaking about others who aren't present. This is what I know and this is what I taught my children every night at the dinner table. Aside from day to day civility, good manners are needed for many adult functions such as job interviews, business meetings, and social affairs. Everyone notices the grown-up clod that was never taught social graces. H hated all the correction at the dinner table as it interrupted the focus on his impolite dinner monologue. He too claimed I was too picky and judgemental when correcting bad behavior, requiring a re-do on a shoddily executed chore, or sending the kid back to apologize for something they did.
"Too high standards" is an insult meant to cut you down. You are correcting your child who is doing something your spouse's low standards allow. When telling your child some behavior is not up to your standard your spouse is hearing you correct her too and she does not like it.
(...she is worse than an
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
(...she is worse than an extra kid, mostly because she is so oppositional, rejecting me at every opportunity. she doesn't get it or listen carefully and forgets the plan, asking the same questions over and over bit not listening to the answerit is totally exasperating and i am not happy.
just so you know you are not alone in being livid. everyday.
just trying to learn not to be livid about the small stuff and that is hard. problem is she thinks everything is small stuff, no big deal m, and has me lowering my standards so far i am mad at myself.
so yeah lost of anger all around. since she is not participating in "moving in the same direction together" i can rely only on myself to fix it and i am trying and scared about the future.)
OMG YESSSS. THIS. 100%
Thanks for letting me know moe about how you feel. it helps.