Now to get the wife to read the book!

I've read the majority of the book, but it looks like the bookmark is on page 165 and step 4 communication.  ADD has kept me from finishing the book, even though I'm in a very serious situation.  My wife's last blow up got my attention enough to try something, so I Googled and found a pretty good book.  Notice how I say "pretty good" as I'm pretty much incapable of saying anything is "great."  This goes to an entire 18 year marriage and 21 year relationship.  I will admit I found the book quite humorous as it described my married life very well.  I have hope, but the wife is ANGRY and has proceeded to numb without hope.  We have 2 children and they are the reason she is coming home after work.  We made a deal 10 years ago that I was going to stay home with the kids, but that only doubled her work load as we could no longer afford a gardener or a once a week maid.  I was going to pickup the slack and the majority of you all know what happens to the ADD Dad.  Yes, I thought I was a great husband and father picking up the kids from school and making home cooked meals the majority of weeknights while devoting large amounts of computer time to Evercrack (EQ is an online fantasy world that appeals to the ADD brain with constant rewards).  She on the other hand still did the shopping, dish washing, kids appointments, kids homework, laundry, weekend cooking, and the majority of the gardening while working 40+ hours a week.  I've been told by her, I'm a "know it all" (she sees this as a negative), but I don't think I am.  I don't express myself in terms of "my opinion" according to her, but more in a "my way or the highway".  I don't see myself that way, but I now realize now my wife is right about a lot of stuff.   My son has diagnosed ADD and is on prescribed medication, but is off meds for the summer to gain some weight.  For legal reasons I did not take his medication for two weeks after the wife's blow up, but came to understand my wife's anger, frustration and numbness all these years all on my own.  My lack of support for my wife in the past is scary sad and points to her true sainthood.  Now I need to get my wife interested in reading the book, to help relieve her anger and maybe start repairing that which I'm so close to loosing.  I have an ADD effected marriage. 

Good for you...

I understand the sudden revelation of discovering you have ADD. I was diagnosed at age 43... What you may not see, yet, is that she may think your discovery is just your latest Hyper-Focus adventure and may believe you will lose interest in the topic once the work begins. If you have not been diagnosed, go to your doctor and tell him you believe you have ADD and get referred to a psychiatrist. Confirm the diagnosis and go from there. If you are like me, when you get "IN" to something you may beat her down with facts and she will just get annoyed. This is huge... My wife never read any of the books, never really even researched what ADD is and how it can destroy a relationship. You have to do this for yourself and there is a lot of work to do. The meds help about 70% and I was lucky to get mine right early on, then the hard part is learning how to un-do all the bad coping mechanisms you have developed to cope and there is usually a lot of trust to rebuild. You will need extreme patience and don't expect a "Pat on Back" every time you do something better than before. It will take time for her to see the new behaviors are really going to stick.

Great job on the research and keep us posted.

 

YYZ

She read some of the book

She read some of the book (the steps) but does not fully agree with them.  I took the kids minus the wife on a mini vacation and I was informed the seething anger is less and general anger is still around.  I have not had my diagnoses yet as it is next month.  ADD is currently helping me stay focused on working on the marriage and being positive.  I'm taking positive steps for myself by completing tasks, (sweeping all the floors not just one area and putting the broom away),  (installed a deadbolt and put all the tools away) and attempting to do laundry and folding it.  My wife is not trusting the "new guy" and has shields at maximum to not get hurt from past shield lowering.  I think they call this the rollercoaster?  I now let her know I love her and appreciate her, but she has told me she doesn't care.  I had a glimpse of hope when I hugged her the other day and she gave a hug back.  The other day I was told she still loves me, but in not "in love" with me.  Today we talked and I asked about a statement she made, "This is not the life I signed up for.",  and was told she feels stuck in her job with no chance of promotion.  She blames me for not getting a job 5 years ago and her having to stay with the "good" money to support the family and not following her passion.  We now have a mortgage and even if I did get a job (entry level after 10 years out) I would not make enough to allow her to follow her passion job.  We have college in 4 & 5 years and not enough to retire on, but do have about 25 years to build it.  She is stressed about the future, still numb and shields up to keep herself from getting hurt.  I read some of the other posts on this board and think she is may be having a slight MLC.  The "I'm not in love with you anymore.", no good memories, not caring about my feelings, thinking "too little too late" to my change, and you don't know me have all been said.  She had a tear come to her eye talking about keeping the smiling and happy attitude at work facade when she doesn't feel that way.  She does like her job!  I think she wants me to empathize with her plight and takes steps to hurt me.  As an example, the family went to lunch and I dressed up in dress pants (I'm a shorts guy) to look good for her and not one word about it.  I guess I was fishing for some emotion as in the past she has told me, "I like it when you dress up."  I hurt for the relationship, but I know it will take time.  The ADD does not want to wait and wants things fixed.   Time to go and find some posts from the non-add(hd) wife spouses on what could be said or done to help alieve the anger.