So I got caught not paying attention to my ADHD fiance the other day. For close to three hours she was either going on and on about some topic and then would switch to complete silence as she shopped online. It switched back and forth so much, and I was busy putting together something that I completely shut her off and gave her canned answers to make her think i was listening (i know - something out of a bad sitcom). Well eventually she saw through that and thanks to her knack of holding on to every. little. thing. ever. we are in the middle of a three day bickering session where every word i say or response i make is picked through for a bigger meaning. I'm usually pretty good with paying attention to her but I just got tired of it all. Any non-ADHD people out there get caught in this same problem?
Now I am the one not paying attention...
Submitted by Chels555 on 01/05/2011.
I've done it too. My husband
Submitted by bevck30 on
I've done it too. My husband will go into detail about what he did at work, which is installing phone cables and to me sounds like he's speaking a different language, while I'm trying to get the kids situated with their homework, cook dinner etc so I kind of tune out what he says. Thankfully he is a very patient guy and rarely gets mad at me so I have a lot in my favor. Reading others post's on here sometimes makes me feel like the spouses with ADD excuse their behavior or actions by saying it is an ADD symptom but expect the non-ADD spouse not to make any mistakes because they don't have ADD. We are all human and we all make mistakes, zoning out when people are talking, forget things etc..it's not strictly an ADD thing.
I would apologize to her and maybe remind her of what I said above, you got caught up in what you were doing and zoned out. It wasn't so much about her but what you were working on and you didn't realize you had become so focused on your task that you blocked out the world around you. I would think if anyone was going to understand what that is like it would be someone with ADD.
Since communication is one of
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Since communication is one of the toughest issues to deal with in these relationships, it might help to ask her to be more 'deliberate' with her conversations. Her expecting you to listen attentively for 3 hours, as she rambles sporadically, is not fair. Asking you to sit down for dinner and the two of you give each other your undivided attention, that's fair. Just do your best to stop the fighting and ask her to help you come up with solutions instead of wasting days and energy fighting over it. If she wants to talk that badly, then you need to say "let's put down the computer and I'll stop what I'm doing and we'll talk" My husband is a GREAT multi-tasker...can talk and be on the computer at the same time. I remember a time when it used to drive me nuts. I didn't want to talk to him when he was on the computer, paying (what felt like to me) little attention to our conversation, but it was fine to him because he could do both at the same time...although his responses were delayed and sporadic he could tell me everything I had said. Just try explaining to her that although she can do all of these things at once, you prefer any serious conversation (I assume SHE feels it was serious) to be done with no distractions. If she wants to ramble for 3 hours from behind her computer screen, she needs to be able to accept that it is very hard for anyone to pay full attention that long. On the flip side, it seems maybe it irritates you to the point that you intentionally check out...and maybe you should try and work on that as well.
I can relate...although he doesn't ramble on for hours. If he is talking about something and gets somehow interrupted (dogs bark, kids need help with something, phone rings) he will sometimes be automatically pissed off at me as if I somehow planned it...and refuse to finish his story later. I just try and not take it personally...but he doesn't stay mad at me for 3 days over it either.