NOW I see... :)

So, I have a horrible memory.  I'm not sure if it comes with the ADHD, or if it is something else, but I've always been perplexed when other people get angry or frustrated with me for forgetting something... when I forget something, it's not because I don't find it important- I forget important, trivial, long term, and short term stuff seemingly at random, so despite trying my best, stuff slips my mind.  So I try my best not to let people down, but I get sad and confused when other people get angry at me anyway.

Well, my husband normally has a great memory.  However, I have reminded him at least 7 times now to either order my new ipod or transfer the funds so that I can order it.  I need a new camera after mine broke, and we decided it'd be worthwhile for me to get an ipod for its other useful features like a portable calendar, shopping list, directions, etc... so that I don't have to carry around a ton of notes and lists that I inevitably lose.  (We don't have cell phones so we need something portable.)  Anyway, he keeps forgetting!  It's been over a week and he still hasn't done it.  Up until yesterday it had not annoyed me at all, I just keep reminding him whenever I think of it.  But last night, the thought popped into my head, "This is ridiculous.  Does he just not care?"  It was only a momentary initial reaction, but I was surprised that I had that thought.

And a light bulb went on.  HEY!  Maybe this is how memory lapses look to other people.  They have "automatic thoughts" (yes I've been reading books on cognitive behavioral therapy so I'm learning how to recognize my automatic thoughts) that I forget because I don't care, not because my brain shorts out.  Even though I am trying my best, it doesn't SEEM like I'm trying my best.

Not sure I can DO anything about my memory lapses, which is what makes me frustrated at myself and helpless... like my husband and everyone else expects me to have some superhuman ability to remember lots of stuff and then pull up that memory whenever I want to remember it... I really, really wish I could because I am SWAMPED with things I need to organize.  But at least I understand now that other people who don't understand how my brain works might get the impression that I don't care.  

I don't really need my ipod "right now."  :)  I can wait until he's got enough time and memory to get around to it.  And now I know how he feels some of the time.