Nuts and bolts of separating

I have finally decided I can't live with my husband any more. He doesn't feel he should have to move, unlike Lululove's husband who left when she told him to. So I, handicapped, have to divide all our stuff, pack and move. I am going to move about 90 miles away, where my job is (it's on online job; I never go there) and my family.

So how do I do this? Do I worry about how he's going to pay the rent? Do I continue supporting him? How do I divide things? Why can't he participate in our lives together? Arwen, I think when you did it, you were both employed, so there wasn't the desperate dependence that he has on me. My daughter thinks that my husband is capable of working and that I'm enabling him by supporting him and that he will find a job once I leave and take my paycheck with me.

I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. Arwen, I know your husband woke up and came back and you're still together. I'd love any other advice or input people can give me. Did any of your marriages survive, or was it such a relief not to deal with the ADDer that you didn't want to go back?


Kisa's picture

Enabling or an Enabler?

Sueann, I understand your struggles.  I too enabled my guy to not have to take care of himself because I did everything.  He got very comfortable with the fact that he could lose his job and not worry about things because I was always there to take care of him and the bills.  After 2 1/2 years and thousands of dollars worth of debt I decided I was done.  Thankfully in my case I was able to find him a job (because he would never look for one on his own...) that came with an apartment and a paycheque!  But it was difficult to move him out of my home.  And there are still many ties.  This is the first time in my guys life that he has ever had to stand on his own two feet (at the age of 43).  It's been three months now and he does struggle a lot at times, but he is learning because he has to. I have really had to stand my ground and not offer to buy him groceries or to make sure he has his needs met.  The most I will do is help by giving him a ride to the grocery store, the rest is up to him.

By the sounds of things you have your own struggles with a disability and you have found a way to take care of yourself.  I'm sure your husband could get some type of job, maybe not that of a CEO, but there will be something for him. 

The times when I struggle I remember the quote about needing to love myself before others can love me.  Both of you need to learn how to love yourselves.  If he can find himself and take care of his own life you have a much better chance of survival because you will both respect him more at that point.  You may decide that you want him back some day and then again you may decide that living for you is what's important, either way you will be right.

I wish you all the best in this next chapter of your life.