NYT article

So the New York Times had a Room for Debate topic about marriage entitled Knowing when a Marriage is Over.  It was super interesting, but two comments totally hit me between the eyes--one was "some marriages are just lemons" and "if you are always working on it, there is no time to enjoy it".  I feel that way so often--that all I do is play whack-a-mole with the latest difficulty--poor communication, financial irresponsibility, disjointed parenting, awkward social skills, untidy household habits, lazy hygiene--it just never ends.  The lack of equality makes it impossible to relax, settle in and enjoy.  I don' t know about the rest of you, but what I have is not a marriage of equals.  I am not sure what it is frankly, but I know it is not relaxing or nurturing or soft.  There is this great song by Jennifer Nettles-part of the lyric is "I want to be the one you reach for first".  I cannot imagine what that would feel like, to know someone had your back, that you don't have to be vigilant and on guard all the time.  I look forward so much to when my husband is out of town--I feel like I can actually exhale.  I am much more relaxed and myself alone.  Is there an upside??  Well, I know I need very little to manage.  I know I will do what I say and not mess it up.  I know I am self sufficient (to a fault I suspect).  I can get by with very little physical contact--as I write this I literally cannot remember the last time my husband touched me on his own, not just in return for me touching him.  I don't mean sexually, I mean at all--holding my hand, a back rub, the casual physical contact good couples have without thinking about it.  I cam make my own decisions with no input from him, half the time he doesn't even know there was a decision.  I can think through things on my own--he has pretty much no idea what I think about or what I am struggling with inside at any given moment.  I am capable of being quiet for a loooong time.  I am comfortable alone.  Those are all good things, but I suspect they won't make me a very good partner to someone else in the future. And the kicker is...all of these behaviors or thought processes are in response to the illogic of living with an ADHD person and that very same ADHD person doesn't understand why I act that way!!!  At any given moment, my overwhelming feeling in my house is baffled--I have so little idea how I got here, it's just baffling to me.  Example: if your person continually tells you what time they will be home but NEVER actually gets home at that time, in fact is several hours later and thinks nothing of it, how long before you first stop asking what time they will be home and second no longer even pay attention and then the other person is surprised you don't care.  I don't know how to explain it to him.  His behaviors and thought processes do not allow us to function like a normal married couple.  No judgement, it's just reality, as if he was in a wheelchair.  I would not expect him to go ziplining with me, in fact it would be kind of mean of me to be upset that he couldn't.  So I do not expect normal communication, I do not expect normal attention or focus.  And the marriage feels so empty.