I was recently broken up with by a man with ADD.
He lives in another country.
I met him online, (first time for that in my mid forties , as is he). We video skyped for two months and it was amazing, wonderful. He was everything. We had so much in common, i honestly thought i had found my souldmate.
So, i decided to fly to the US to meet him, and stayed in his house for a few weeks.
He never told me about his ADD until after a week or so after my arrival, in the cr one day, in casual conversation. I didnt know much about ADD, other than i thought they had trouble focusing, took ritalin to become focused. Since reading countless messages on this board over the last few weeks, i now realise how serious ADD is, and how many problems arise when in a relationship with an ADD affected person.
The first week was fine, we had a wonderful fun time. I am highly sensitive, and sometimes his terse comments hirt me (admittedly maybe more than a non-sensitive person) but he never really "got" why. He was very logical. Every thing is logic logic. Never really understanding why his words hurt me.
We went to a party and i met his friends the first weekend i was there. It was so much fun, we realy had a great time. The host took many photos of us. And i found out later, he took her aside and tole her not to post them on facebook, as it would upset his ex girlfriend. Can you imagine how that made me feel? I just flew around the world to be with this guy, and all he cares about is keeping me a secret from his ex? When i bought this up with him, he was angry and didny understand why it would upset me. He is still firends with her and they still help each other out doign nice thigns for each other, thats ok, but they broke up nine months ago. Why lead her on and make her believe you are single and not tell here the truth so she can move on with her life? I still am so upset by this.
The first night we met after i arrived in the USA was magical, romantic, everything. We went to dinner and (remembering I PAID to fly around the world to see this guy) he didnt pay for my meal! he wanted to go dutch. I was so upset and went to the bathroom and started crying. It was not the money, it was a $20 meal! it was the gesture. i felt so unworthy (thats my issue but still). I came out of the bathroom and he knew i was upset about somethign. We walked to his car and i cried. He just stood there, not sure what to say. After about 10 minutes he held me as i asked him to. Anyway it was all ok, but he used this night as an example of it being a "red flag" over and over .
We had many little instances where he woudl upset me. Towards the end, we decided to go away for two days. It all went pearshaped and he ended it. We drove back to his home that mornign, and he basically wanted me out of his house asap. I sat on my laptop trying to get a lst minute flight home. I couldnt find anything under $2000 as it is summer in the USA and high season etc. Then i started looked for accomodation, again very expensive, its a major city, the weekend, it was a nightmare. I started emailing other sites for possible options. I was crying my eyes out, exhausted, and he relentelssly pushed me to book something. I got up at one point and asked if i could get somethign to eat, and he huffed and scoffed and said "you need to book something" . Same when i asked if i coudl do a quick load of washing from our trip, again he said i need to book something (a load takes an hour or so!) i was so emotionally,mentally , physically exhausted and he was curt and cold. I told him i couldnt sit and email anymore after 6 hours of it and i had done all i could, and he said "You didnt send an email until 430!!!!" On and on. He told me i was stallling. He told me i was manipulating him.
Many things, i asked him to hug me, and he scoffed. I went upstairs to pack my suitcase, he came up and sat on the bed and watched me, i was balling my eyes out, i asked him over and over to pelase leave me alone and give me time and space to pack my thigns. He wouldnt leave.
I ended up having to stay that last night as i couldnt find anything. I left the next morning. When we woke up, i asked him for a hug, and he huffed and scoffed and gave me one, eventually. He was so cold, he really wanted me gone.
He ended up driving me to the bus station, didnt even wait for my bus (25 minutes) and hugged me and walked off. never even looked around.
i had a four hour bus ride. my accommodation fell through last minute and i texted him to tell him i had nowhere to stay and a 65 pound suitcase. No response. I arrived in new york city in 95 degree heat, alone, with a 65 pound suitcase and nowhere to stay and no internet connection. He didnt even check in on me. He didnt ask if i was ok. Since then he has been pretty cold, matter of fact. no real emotion. like a part of him turned off, checked out. He has never been the same since.
I had to spend a few days in nyc before i finally got a flight home. i emailed him every day, long emails explaining my side, apologising for my part (though it was always a RE-action to him being mean really). Any time i heard from him, it was ALWAYS about how I HURT HIM so much. Using words like "i need to feel safe and secure again" (these are not words a middle aged man would normally use!!??) and "i am confused and disturbed by your behavior". and how much i hurt him. All i ever did was be sad and hurt by his actions and words, crying out for love and affection. i begged him for an apology over and over, never has he given me one. He thinks he has , as he said "i am sorry things didnt work out between us". That is not an apology for his actions.
I am so sad, so drained, so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I cry every day and can hardly leave the house. When it was good, it was amazing. But i seem to be holding on to that instead of the reality of who he is. He basically kicked me out of his house.
He said he had a "fight or flight" childhood. Never explaining what that meant. When i asked he said curtly "how about less psychoanalysis and more happy".
He said its just how he was raised, he has been like this for years, he has heard these things before.
But, he never told me about his ADD BEFORE i left home.
He NEVER acknowledged his ADD has or had anything to do with what transpired between us. I sent so many emails trying to understand. but he doesnt acknowledge any of it. He said he is worried i am reliving all of this, and not remembering it correctly. That i should speak to a counsellor or therapist or psychologist to work through my thoughts and feelings. That he did apologise 1000 times for many things, including that it didnt work out between us, but that i am not acknowledging, hearing or remembering it. That was the last i heard from him. I wrote back furious, as i was so emotional and felt like he was still throwing ALL the blame on me, like everything that happened was MY fault. Every email he has written to me since i left, was about HE was feeling, how I HURT HIM. How he needs to feel SAFE AND SECURE AGAIN"....as i fi did something so drastic and horrible! IS this normal to use such words at his age, such as safe and secure? He is mid forties! all i did was cry and be sensitive. He said he is confused and disturbed by my behavior.
I dont know what to do. He never wrote back to that last email, though i told him i get it, its over, i will leave you the f$#k alone, etc. i was mad, sad. Saying obviously it all meant nothing to you etc etc. He never refuted any of it. Just silence. He probably feels that whatever he says upsets me. which is true.
Any advice would be so appreciated. I have nobody to talk to. I feel so alone and helpless and keep obsessing over every conversation, email, its torture.